How do I deal with now he's overseas?

[ericmsant2]

Piano

Is YOU job to fix or better yet, push the R between your D and her father? I believe not. Is it normal for you, a mother, to want that R to blossom? Yep. I believe that this is your first child so I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. My heart goes out to you.

Piano, when my first son was born (I have 3 kids), I was 23 and ill equipped to deal with fatherhood (FTR, my dad left 20 bucks on the table when I was born - I have never laid eyes on the man). So being ill equiped I ran. Ran into a deep depression and drugs. 1 year later I was clean and began to form a R with my oldest. Needless to say we have a working R now. However, everything my W did to try and push my son towards me FAILED. I was not ready and it took a year for me to become ready.

Some of the actions you may want to take will be percieved as pushing to your husband. Others will appear controlling to him. Bottom line is that your H HAS to make the effort - not you. I am not saying that you should keep your D away from his dad- no. However I am saying that your H MUST pursue forming and growing that R.

IF you feel very strongly about trying to ensure that YOU can look into your daughters eyes and say that you did everything you could to keep her dad in her life then I suggest that you do write him and send him pictures of his D. Another option would be to set up a web page with pictures of your D and send him the link so that he can view them. You can tell him that you will update the page as often as you can. This will eliminate the need for him to speak to you. I would also remind him for the last time that he should make an effort to see his daughter with some degree of frequency. Then Piano - let go. And I mean really let his as* go!

I do feel guilty.

I can tell you not to BUT your going to anyway. So instead I'll tell you this...be guilty for YOUR role in the breakup BUT DO NOT take the blame for all of this. You own your piece your H owns his it is that simple.

You should NOT feel guilty about..
You Daughter
The fact that your batchit crazy as*hole H left for another country
Being YOU
For any of your past mistakes. We all make them.
For any DB mishaps you have made. FTR, every sitch is different and none of this comes easy in the "beginning" with beginning being defined as the first 5 years of dbing.

I have a self esteem problem,

Okay many people will say this. I would ask that you dig a little deeper and answer WHY.

Do u think your not smart enough? If so, smart enough for WHO?
Do you think your not pretty enough? If so, the pretty enough for WHO and why would you feel this way?
Do you think your not "deep" enough? If so, define deep?
Do you feel your unlovable? Then why and also define what loves means to you.
Do you think your not daring enough?

I can go on and on Piano BUT my point is that once YOU really get to know WHO YOU ARE - none of what anyone else feels or projects towards you will matter. Let me give you an example:

I was always concerned that people did not like my emotional side. So I hid it and really lived my life wearing various masks. In short, no one ever really knew me. As I have become comfortable in my own skin, I no longer wear the mask and finally got to a place where I can embrace my emotional side. And for those who do not like it or try to make ME feel bad for being the way that I am. To those I say....go f*ck yourself. Love me for who I am and the way that I am.

Piano - learn to love YOURSELF. No one should need to change you. Not friends, not your H and not another man! Learn to accept that you are wonderful just the way you are. Feel it. Embrace all of you, your goodness, your heart, your passion - fu*k even some of your qwirks. Embrace it all Piano. Know this, there will come a time that a TRUE man will come knocking cause he will see and LOVE the real YOU just the way you are. That man could be YOUR H. Funny thing ...YOU DECIDE if ya want "him" whoever the hell him ends up being.

And probably a codependency one

Your codependancy is driving your self esteem. Please pick up code pendant no more. A great book that can be used with the DB books, which I trust you have read.

So a quick lesson on how you can easily learn to beat the codependancy issues....learn ONE important word...

NO

Yep, learn to say no. No I do not feel like doing that. No I am not going to send John Smith a christmnas card cause he will never send me one back. No I am NO longer going to allow my H to control what I do in my life.

Just say No Piano.

God Bless,
Eric