You make your own path as you step...

[optimist]

Thanks Kevin, totite and everybody else for checking on me.

Today marks a week since he left and we still have not heard from him. I frankly hate the not knowing anything more than I would dislike an outcome, good or bad. I have never been very good at waiting, specially when a major issue is unresolved. But I do not have an option here, since I will keep my word...

Let me play devil's advocate - Suppose your H comes back after his soul-searching and wants to focus on your R and tells you everything. Do you have any concerns that if he finds out you have been digging it will blow any chance of a future? Or are you past that at this point?

If he finds out that I've been digging, he may resent it, but I do not think he will be really mad at it... unless I hire a PI. And if he does want to work on the R and does not tell me everything, I will get to the point in which I am past caring. I am not quite there yet, but rapidly getting there as the no contact persists.

If he comes back and doesn't disclose any of what you know, will you ask him about the house purchase to see if that opens other doors? Will you ask him what the OW is holding over his head that has him so scared? Is there a way to ask him about the house without his knowing that you were digging? (An errant phone call from the city assessor's office perhaps?)

Yes to both questions. If he comes back and still wants to work on the R, we need full disclosure. And I mean it from both sides; if I ask him to be honest with me, I owe him honesty myself...

So in the meantime, can you let it go a bit? Just ride it out and focus on your D. Unfortunately all the together time you guys have spent as a family has probably made her miss your H even more.

Well, it does not look like I have an option, but to let it go a bit. I do not know where he is or with whom and have no way to contact him. If I fall dead tomorrow, they'll have to notify friends or my family, not him...

Yes, my daughter is feeling it a lot. She had been very insecure about H being out of her sight since he left in March... and after his return she became a bit more confident. Now that improvement is gone... She refuses to go out of the house except for her skating lessons and wanted to come early from the New Year's Party even when the house was full of friends of hers... She is having lots of headaches...

I am very upbeat with her and reassure her that I love her and will always be with her... but she misses Daddy. And I draw the line at lying to her about where he is. He did talk to her, he said before he left, but I am not sure of how much she trusts what he says... I try to keep her environment stable and never look worried or sad in front of her, but she is on edge.

Yesterday, she fired me as a mother (I did not let her do something she wanted to do), so teasingly I put on a sad face. Any other time she would have felt powerful, laughed and taunted me with "you are not my mother anymore". This time, though, she did not. She puckered up and started crying like her little heart was going to break. I hugged her hard and kissed her telling her "Hey you fired me, not me you" until she found a little smile.

Yesterday and today I took her to her daycare and she played with the other girls, so she will not feel lonely. I am trying to distract her a lot and at the same time keep her environment very stable and give her a clear routine...

She is one smart big girl...

Thanks for all your support and prayers... and for the chats...

Happy New Year to everybody. I am sorry I have not been posting much.