Moving Forward

[gutwrenching]

Lotus and Flowmom...
First of all thanks for stopping by this thread so much...good to hear from you two again.

Just dropped off W at airport. I did not have an opportunity for gal this weekend unfortunately. Now its me and the kids and will make sure we have a good time. Older D's birthday is this week, so we will go out and have a good time that evening and the next day is younger Ds "student of the month" day at school, so will play that up too. Need to make sure they don't start sensing any of this again.

Anxiety not too high. Nervousness is probably a better word...but that is better than anxiety. I did avoid any M or R talks this weekend, and we did a handful of family things. I'm sure i was giving off vibes of the nervousness, W kept asking me if there was anything wrong and I would smile and say no. I can sense the conflict in her too...but I didn't bring it up. She is saying and acting like everything is going to be ok, but I also know she is really struggling right now. I offered to load a couple of apps on her phone, which I did, and what do you know, the last search from her was for apps on marriage...so I know she is a bit conflicted, but she had basically told me the same thing. Her actions and words do not show someone about to be a WAS again, but my mind reading knows she is debating whether or not to contact him, if she hasn't already.

At this point, I have to not worry about it...well I have to try.

For me, I plan on doing some reading this week. I hope to get some good sleep. And just pray for some clarity on where to go and for a positive outcome and pray that during this time alone that my W actually is able to resolve things in her heart and mind and come to the right conclusion...in her brain, she knows what she should do, I know that. But she has to decide she can remain happy over the long haul...she has to recommit to herself to really work on things despite the fact it is going to be hard. And I did leave a few things hidden in her luggage to help fill the love tanks while we are gone and remind her of our love. I did get a couple of ILYs as she left, so trying to focus on the positive. And a passionate kiss earlier in the day that would not be indicative of one about to be a WAS.

I will start looking into some counseling options this week too. I still believe Retro is the best thing for us...I think its what we need to take the next step.

The book - well I like that idea, but I will probably wait and see...see how things are and how she is acting when she returns. She how committed she is. The shame of all this was I had come a long way towards recovering, had come a long ways towards trusting...and now not near as much.

I am going to reread all the thoughts on C and Retro that everyone has posted and really think about it.

Thanks a ton for the support and thoughts. I value your thoughts and opinions. Wish I wasn't in a spot to need it again, but it is what it is

And I will probably be posting more this week