Haven't Yet Found My Way

[Mystik]

A selfish part of me wants H to find out I have to seek psychiatric care from a psychiatric hospital. I want him to know that he did this to me, I want him to feel guilt over what he's done. But I know that he's too lost in a fog to even know what guilt is, let alone to feel it.

[CityGirl]

I really think you need to set some hard boundaries regarding the exchange of your son. For a VERY long time your son or H has you driving all over and often times changes the time/location once you are en route.

You will be much better off when you have something in writing (legally I mean) about the exchange of your son including the exact times, locations and days. Your H is walking all over you when it comes to exchanging your son. There is to be no chit chat at all. Get your son and his things, get him in the car and go. A solid parenting plan, not your son or H, will call the shots when it comes to time to exchange. This has gone on way too long and it only hurts you more. And it gives your H more power to abuse and use you. Your H knows you will do anything for him no matter how poorly he treats you so he takes advantage of you at every turn. Only you can stop that.

It is your H's problem if his new baby is born when he has your son. It is up to him to make appropriate arrangements for his son if this happens on his watch. Do not assist your H. Do not talk to your H ANYMORE about anything unless it concerns your son in the here and now. It is outlandish that your H expects you to assist him with childcare when his new baby arrives with his mistress that he left you for begins labor. And you have to let your H know that. When your son brings up anything about your H or the new baby redirect the conversation to something else until you have a better handle on things.

The reason your H is so abusive to you is because he *is* guilty. It is psych 101. The more he can tell himself that you are a pain in the ass, you are standing in his way to happiness, you are holding up the divorce and this mess is ALL your fault the less he will be required to examine himself. And let's face it - with a new baby on the way he won't be directing any energy to self improvement.

Stop giving your H so much ammo - the crying in front of your H must stop. Having your little son protect you in front of your H must stop. If this is something you are unable to manage at this time then find a third party to handle the exchanges even if it means you have to pay them a weekly fee to do so. Or, see if there is a "child drop off center" close by. The family court should be able to help you find one if one exists in your area.

Honestly, if your H found out about the treatment program it will probably just fuel more disdain. He wants out and anything that happens that will prolong you wrapping up this divorce will annoy him and in turn he will treat you worse. As time passes he will see a whole new you (much stronger, able to establish and enforce boundaries) and then he can wonder what he is up against.

You want something different but you keep doing more of the same. You have to try.

[dbmod]

Hi Mystik,

I'm sorry this is such a rough thing for you.

If this is something you are unable to manage at this time then find a third party to handle the exchanges even if it means you have to pay them a weekly fee to do so. Or, see if there is a "child drop off center" close by. The family court should be able to help you find one if one exists in your area.

Honestly, if your H found out about the treatment program it will probably just fuel more disdain. He wants out and anything that happens that will prolong you wrapping up this divorce will annoy him and in turn he will treat you worse. As time passes he will see a whole new you (much stronger, able to establish and enforce boundaries) and then he can wonder what he is up against.

You want something different but you keep doing more of the same. You have to try.



This is really really good advice. Get someone to help you here.

As upset as you are ... it is going to have the opposite effect of what you are hoping for....it is going to push your husband further away, and it is going to make things very hard for your son. Focus on your positive behaviors. Make the rest of this day wonderful for you and your son. You're worth it!

[Mystik]

I am for the most part able to keep the tears hidden from H. If I had someone who could do the exchanges for me I'd have started to use them a long time ago, believe me. I have thought about it. Unfortunately, there isn't anyone. I don't want to chit chat with H, he will just start talking and I don't respond. And the only reason he is able to talk at me is because DS will climb in my car door to hug me when I get there. Going to talk to DS and explain because it's getting cold out I need him to just get right in his booster seat, it makes me cold to have my door or window open.

If H is not able to take DS on Wednesday as scheduled I am not going to give him another night, even though I have nothing going on during any other night this week. I say that now, but we'll see what happens.

[CityGirl]

Okay. You report that you cry an awful lot in the car. So you must be crying in front of your son then?

You have mentioned your brother and sister and your parents. Are they unable to provide you with any assistance as far as your son goes? Have you asked your C for any resources to assist with the exchanges with your son? What do the courts suggest you do in cases of emotional abuse and child exchanges?

If the treatment I went through is anything like you are about to embark on some of these issues will have to be addressed as "homework" in the program. The program is designed to help you but you will also be required to put in LOTS of effort to help yourself as well.

How did your H respond to you filing the papers to get your outstanding money paid that he owes you? What did your attny say about your H trying to blackmail you over e-mail?

I agree - your son should not have his scheduled altered if the mistress has the baby. Your H either takes your son or not - no alterations or accommodations. Your schedule is irrelevant. Your H will have to learn to be a dad to the multiple children he has created without your help.

Mystik - the day you actually stand up for yourself is a day you will NEVER forget. And I bet your H won't ever forget it either.

Your son doesn't know how to act during the exchanges because he has not been taught how. IMO due to the way your H behaves your son needs to be "trained" to make a quick transfer to alleviate your further exposure to his abuse.

[Mystik]

I am often crying in front of my son. And I know that that's a bad thing but I'm so emotional I can't stop it. My mom doesn't drive, didn't think about asking any of my brothers, there is only one who could possibly assist me. I haven't asked the C for any resources, or the court.

I haven't actually filed the papers about the money or anything yet. Lawyer didn't say anything about the blackmail e-mails, just told me to keep copies of them in case we need them in court. I have the forms all filled out except for H's address, need to get someone to write those in on the forms. I don't want to know his address, bad enough I have to know he lives with Whore.

Definitely need to "train" DS to make quick exchanges. I already told him that because it's getting so cold out he needs to just get right in the back seat and close the door, then come up front to hug me. Now comes the hard part of reminding him each time until it becomes routine for him.

[Mystik]

Had lots of thoughts swarming in my head today. A lot of them about H and Whore and It. My thoughts are a bit disjointed and in random order, I don't blame if you can't follow along.

It will be born any day now, and while I feel ok now, when it becomes reality who knows how I'll respond. I do know that when H calls to tell DS I will not be in the room and I will tell DS ahead of time that he can share his excitement with Daddy but I can't hear about it.

It sucks to know that your love life and sex life are over with at age 32. I love my H more than anything. But I don't know that I could ever forgive him for his affair and It. And I don't think I could ever betray him the way he has betrayed me by being with another person and having a child with them. I cringe at the thought. Since shortly after I met H my dreams of husband and family featured him.

Is it bad that I think of It as the Bastard Child to myself? I know logically that it's an innocent child, can't help his mother is a husband stealing conniving whore, but I still detest It, a physical reminder of what my husband has done to me. Is it horrible that I still wish It would go away? I am so emotionless right now that I don't even feel guilt for wishing horrible things to It and Whore. I just want It to be gone so when H comes home it's not a skeleton out of the closet, if that makes sense.

And along the lines of being emotionless, when I think about H coming home I feel nothing. No excitement, no fear, no anticipation. Nothing. It's like right now if he comes home I could care less, and if he doesn't come home again, I could care less. Just no emotion right now. Not even on Sunday when DS came home. It was just "OK, DS is home. Yay."

[Lotus]

Mystik,

Sometimes we have to accept circumstances that we hate. That is your situation now. You won't get what you want. It isn't going to happen. So it is up to you to figure out a new life for yourself. Your old life is over. It won't come back. You can stand around and cry over it, or you can move on and create a whole new life for yourself.

I don't know if there are still other women on this website in the same situation you are. There were 2 women a few months ago whose husbands had children out-of-wedlock with other women. Babygirl was one of them. Perhaps you could look up her posts and see how she dealt with it. I don't remember the name of the other woman, but her posts would be on Babygirl's thread because they were friends.

[Mystik]

I hate my new life. It's so damn empty and bleak. Onlyt thing good in it is DS.

Tried searching for Babygrl's posts, no luck. But I did see a BabyDoll, but I'm not sure that's who you mean.

[Mystik]

You know what really sucks? Whore is getting the best part of my H. He's doing things now for her that he never did for me. And it hurts that he would change for her, but not for me.