Eric gave me some really tough stuff to think about. Thank you for that. I think I will take a couple days to really thinks over. My bff thinks I need to give him am ultimatum and then be prepared to stick to it. I don't like the ultimatum idea. Seems controlling. I know she means well by it though.
I cannot "change" my H or "wake" him up. To answer one of your questions Eric, yes I do really love my H... I know he loves me too. My H said it best a few months back though. He told me he was in a crisis and doesn't love himself so he can't love me or anyone else for that matter if he doesn't love himself first. Interesting though that he was telling the ow that he loves her though. This crisis he is in cannot pull me down... I've got to live my own life and treat him how I want to be treated.
It's me time and I am no longer standing for him treating me the way he has. It has to stop.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
My bff thinks I need to give him am ultimatum and then be prepared to stick to it.
Friends will tell you many things just so that you can stop feeling the pain. What most do not realize is that the pain will stop when it is suppose to stop.
More importantly...
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I don't like the ultimatum idea.
Never do something that YOU are not comfortable. I will even say never listen to advice (mine included) that YOU do not feel is relevant. Why? This is YOUR life Nicole. Yours to live - no on else's.
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Seems controlling.
Yep - Because really YOUR not ready to live up to the ultimatum. When you are...you will just do it and nothing that anyone says to you will matter.
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I cannot "change" my H or "wake" him up.
BINGO!
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It's me time and I am no longer standing for him treating me the way he has.
People will treat you the way YOU allow them to treat YOU.
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It has to stop.
You may not be able to stop what he does BUT you sure as hell can control WHAT YOU DO, HOW YOU REACT...
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Eric thanks again for your wise helpful comments. I talked more with my friend today. She and I talked more about what an ultimatum really is. I came to the conclusion its not something I'm going to do. Boundaries are what I need to set. We did some brain storming and tried to think of scenarios and situations that I constantly seem to be in with my H. She suggested that I make notes as I think of situations and what my boundary would be and then read over them every day. I love this advice. I can do this.
In case you couldn't tell my biggest fault at this point in time is being a total push over...or door mat for my h. It has to stop and I'm really just at a loss for words when I am around him. So the journaling and reading over my thoughts has got to help. I hope.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
The real tough Boundaries are BEST set when WE the LBSer have done the really work on ourselves OR when we really must protect our emotional health. Never set a boundary with an expectation that it will change or snap your H out of it.
Why would I even think that you would set a boundary trying to change your h?
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We did some brain storming and tried to think of scenarios and situations
Way too much thinking and brain storming IMO. A boundary should be very clear and IMO, not require that much thought. For example: You will not talk to me that way. IF you do, I will leave or hang up. Pretty straight forward and not a lot of thought.
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She suggested that I make notes
I do like the idea of journaling your interactions with your H. You'll see the benefits of this much later, when you will look back and realize a lot of things about YOU and not your H.
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my biggest fault at this point in time is being a total push over...or door mat for my h.
Fault or FEAR or worse yet....PRIDE?
Ya know we all go into this thinking we are doormats. Until we realize that WE allow ourselves to feel this way.
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I'm really just at a loss for words when I am around him.
So why be around him? Why not just keep some distance from him?
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I have read the resources. I've been on this board for quite sometime...working on myself and trying to let my h go to figure himself out. Something feels different this time since he left again three days ago. I know I can't and won't ever understand what is going on in his head. Just wanted to say something does feel different though.
Eric asked me alot of hard questions. I do really love my h and "yes". At this point though I'm not sure how much longer I will enjoy my life being on hold. I want my best friend back and someone to enjoy daily life with. I know he is not capable of this though and I'm not sure he will be anytime soon. If the future is anything like the past then he will be back again. The question is though will he be willing to commit to rebuilding the m and how do I know for sure? I don't want to be his Mom monitoring his phone records to see if he is talking with the ow or make him pinky swear that he is serious. So what does a person do?
To answer Eric, I really could care less which one of us makes more money. It's our money the way I see it anyway. BUT one of his major complaints for the last year is that he cannot support us on his income alone and it bothers him. I know texting the OW was wrong and controlling. But darn it, it sort of felt good. Not going to do it anymore though. I can't... got to focus on myself.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
Journaling: my h just five days ago filed a motion with the court asking the judge to move our trial date out in hopes of reconciling... Three days ago he didnt come home and is at his moms again (talking with ow again I assume). Today our house showed. He knew yesterday. If I was him and I wanted a divorce so bad I might actually come to the house and maybe fix and clean up some. That's just what a motivated person should do in my opinion.
Last time he left for two months. For a good part of that time he was a tyrant. Complaining about me avoiding and not signing papers. Complaining I wasn't here at the house when he came by. Complaining he has no money. Complaining he is a loser. Complaining he thinks it's Weird I haven't told my parents. Complaining that we need to transfer titles for vehicles. Complaining he doesnt know how much money we have. Complaining that I need to face the fact that the d is Going to happen. Complaining, complaining, on and on. This time.... Nothing. Weird. Never will understand it. Just had to say it though. I'm darn confused.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
No he is not an alcoholic. Very rarely drinks. He thinks drinking is used by some to cover up or mask problems. He doesn't want to do that even with medication for the depression. He's a man and men should be able to tough it out in his opinion.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
