feel love thumping at the doors of my heart again

[flowmom]

Newmama, the kids are excited because stbxh has a real fireplace and they want to spend xmas eve there so santa can come down the chimney. Thing is, stbxh is the biggest grinch ever. There wouldn't have been a xmas ever without me doing all of the planning and work and creating all of the cheer and memories. Maybe he'll step up to the plate...who knows. If they spend the night at stbxh's place on xmas eve, I'll probably be crying myself to sleep.

The kids are really too young to understand the magic of christmas and how it's created. I know for myself that if I'm not feeling it, it's hard to make that happen for them. I had some depressing xmases before starting the cabin tradition, so I'm not sure how I'll pull this off.

One thing that I've done in the past which I will do again is spread things out over the whole month of december with crafting playdates, snow outings, get-togethers, etc. So that won't change. But the actual xmas eve and day...that is meaningful to me.

Also stbxh bombed me on Dec 22 while we were driving to the cabins to celebrate xmas. I had pneumonia and went through the shock and devastation while staying in a tiny cabin and dealing with another family. It was a weird dual thing of being cheerful xmas mama...and living my worst nightmare of understanding that stbxh didn't want to be married to me and wasn't willing to work on it. period.

So I guess part of my xmas fear is that there are likely to be triggers there from loneliness and the time of year. ugh.