feel love thumping at the doors of my heart again

[flowmom]

The challenge is to keep that stuff packed up and put away, and not let it creep up on you in your new life. The most important thing is to become strong and centered in who your are. Not dependent (at least emotionally) on a man to keep you happy.

Absolutely. I don't think that dependence was a problem for me in the past except once I became a parent. I wasn't dependent on stbxh emotionally to an unhealthy degree -- if anything we didn't lean on one another enough. But I put up with too much because I was dependent on him financially and because I was fixated on staying together to be a family.

So I have heard quite a bit about guitarist. Tell me about you, what drives you? What are your hopes and dreams for yourself?

Thanks for asking . Hopes and dreams have always been hard for me. I've always had trouble allowing myself to do that, I think to protect myself from disappointment. I'm letting go of the past, focusing on the present, but there's no clarity about the future right now, not even glimmerings.

I can tell you about things that I'm working on for the short/medium term:

Financial well being:
I would like to be financially independent and have a reasonable financial plan in place for myself and my children. It feels like a really HUGE goal. I've been working with the counsellor on procrastination and we are still trying different things. No breakthroughs so far. But I feel like there is some internal shifting going on. Practically speaking I need to put more consulting hours in, develop a budget, and do some medium term financial planning.

Friendships:
I want to work on my friendships. Something that I want to enjoy now and in the future is a solid group of friends to share life with. I love giving a dinner party and having a relaxed evening of conversation and connection. My parents have awesome friends and I'd love to learn how to pull off their somewhat bohemian and relaxed style of entertaining and cultivating friendships. I have some good friends, but it's not easy to pull off those great, memorable gatherings. I also need to figure out some new friends. Honestly, I feel like I have less to offer without a husband . I've noticed that socializing by myself with a couple doesn't work that well - the husband often feels left out (or bored or ??). Not always easy to figure out the dynamics.

Sexuality/Femininity:
This is something that I'm not willing to drop in my life ever again. Whether or not I am in a R, I can't really be myself unless I am able to tune into and express this part of myself. Obviously being in a new R is awesome for this department, but there are things that I want to do to cultivate this for myself. I like wearing cute clothes and I want to maintain my new weight and size. I want to exercise so that I feel good about my body and so that it feel strong and vital. I want to find ways to express my sexuality that don't depend on a man. One way is dancing. I've had fun doing that with Smart Sister lately. Tomorrow I'm starting a dance class -- women only "soukouss sweat". It's a Congolese popular dance style, and apparently it's a good workout too, so it covers a lot of bases. I hope it works out because setting up childcare for it has been quite daunting.

Mothering:
This is never ending. I need to move forward with getting interventions for S7. And D4 may need something too. They are doing well in general, but there are a lot of behaviour issues. It can be totally exhausting solo parenting them. I feel very sad to be a single parent. I was always really clear about wanting to share the joys and hardships of the experience with another adult. Single parenting often feels like drudgery when there is no one else to pick up the slack or lighten the moment.

Christmas
I want to find a way to lower my expectations around Christmas...without it being depressing. For the past 4 years we've had INCREDIBLE Christmases. We've gone to snowy rustic cabins with another family and developed incredibly lovely, simple, child-centered rituals. The other family has plans this year and I don't know if I can pull off the cabin thing with the kids by myself (don't think I want to anyway). So it has the potential to be pretty sad . Stbxh doesn't want to celebrate xmas together with me and the kids in any way, so that will be a challenge.

Home
If I'm staying in this home, after living here for 9 years with stbxh, I'd like to figure out how to make it really mine. Some fixing, painting, decluttering, and decorating is in order.

[newmama]

what do the kids want to do for Christmas?

[flowmom]

Newmama, the kids are excited because stbxh has a real fireplace and they want to spend xmas eve there so santa can come down the chimney. Thing is, stbxh is the biggest grinch ever. There wouldn't have been a xmas ever without me doing all of the planning and work and creating all of the cheer and memories. Maybe he'll step up to the plate...who knows. If they spend the night at stbxh's place on xmas eve, I'll probably be crying myself to sleep.

The kids are really too young to understand the magic of christmas and how it's created. I know for myself that if I'm not feeling it, it's hard to make that happen for them. I had some depressing xmases before starting the cabin tradition, so I'm not sure how I'll pull this off.

One thing that I've done in the past which I will do again is spread things out over the whole month of december with crafting playdates, snow outings, get-togethers, etc. So that won't change. But the actual xmas eve and day...that is meaningful to me.

Also stbxh bombed me on Dec 22 while we were driving to the cabins to celebrate xmas. I had pneumonia and went through the shock and devastation while staying in a tiny cabin and dealing with another family. It was a weird dual thing of being cheerful xmas mama...and living my worst nightmare of understanding that stbxh didn't want to be married to me and wasn't willing to work on it. period.

So I guess part of my xmas fear is that there are likely to be triggers there from loneliness and the time of year. ugh.

[newmama]

Well, you might have triggers. But maybe they won't be as bad since you have a beau! Also, you won't be putting on the front of everything being fine while dealing with an H who wasn't into you.

It would be sad for your kids to have Santa come over at their dad's house....but they will be thrilled to see Santa also came to their mom's house when they return!

[Lotus]

I'm willing to bet that you will have dueling Christmases. He will try to outdo you. The kids will love it. But that probably is not what you want.

Make new Christmas memories that are just yours with the kids. It doesn't have to be big to be special!

[flowmom]

Well, stbxh's crazy schedule strikes again . It turns out he's working from 4 pm to overnight on Dec 24 and 25...so Santa's comin' to my place. He asks me how I want to do the scheduling on those two days. IT'S NOT ABOUT WHAT *I* WANT. IT'S ABOUT THE KIDS DUMMY! Sorry for shouting, but I'm feeling pretty emotional today.

I had to have a good cry with a friend this morning. Mothering has been really hard lately and I'm feeling so alone with no one to intimately share the highs and lows of raising our children. I am dealing with a lot of whining, frustration, challenging behaviours from my children. It's inevitable that they are taking so much of the brunt of this situation. I've always believed that children need two parents...and shared custody just isn't the same. My friend was really awesome, just listening and letting me know that it's really hard and that I'm doing the best I can for my kids...and sometimes that's not enough. She doesn't sugarcoat things and I love her for that.

In positive news I did my first soukouss dance class today. I'm pretty uncoordinated so it was very challenging. But I love how sexy and full of attitude it is. The teacher is great and exudes positive energy.

[newmama]

Another fellow uncoordinated dancer? Awesome! I will look for some funky dance classes but you see I forget that my time is so freakin' limited thanks to shared custody.

FM, you haven't vented about the kids and mothering in so long. I was wondering how you were doing in that area. I am pleased to hear that your friend didn't sugarcoat anything. It is very tough and not fair to the kids but that is out of our control. So, you do the best you can and when you have a bad one, you vow the next day will be better and it usually is.

I heard from one of my friends who is studying to be a CASA worker (child advocate for the state or something like that) is that when the kids of single parents become juvenile delinquents, they saw that the moms went through multiple boyfriends in front of the kids, and didn't spend quality time with the kids. You are not doing that (sifting through men) and are spending time unplugged with them so don't worry.

But dealing with behavior and other decisions alone is very hard. It sucks.

[newmama]

I meant time with your kids, not the men! lol! well, both but you know what I mean...

I hope your day is better tomorrow. (((Flowmom)))

[flowmom]

Thanks newmama. I have some personal time today so that's good. Keep falling asleep early...I've fallen asleep for the night at 8 PM twice this week (in S7's bed during bedtime routine)! Some of it is late nights with Guitarist, but I guess my energy is low too.

[newmama]

Heh heh...dating and playing in the sheets is exhausting! But single parenting is tiring enough. I have had many many nights where I crash between 8-8:30 and I only have ONE kid!

So do you still get much personal time while juggling a lover? That is my latest concern...mothering, being a girlfriend, working and still having some time to self.