XH is marrying OW after only 5 months of D!!

[lea74]

OOh forgot to mention that the Judge insisted we take a parenting class - not neccessarily together. I said that it would be fine, (not sure why I need it), however XH said that he wouldnt and was insistent about it. The judge was adamant and made it a condition of the court order.

What a cheek, he said he doesnt need parenting classes. Thats a joke!! He is a parent 96 hours a month and he doesnt need a parenting class????????? I do this 24/7 and I agreed.

Go figure!!!

[Reincarnated]

The parenting class is mandated where I live. Hopefully he'll get an earfull about how damaging his current behavior has been.
I am surprised that his calling the police to go to your house and scare the boys wasn't brought up - it directly effected them.

Glad to hear that the calm has touched you....hope it sticks.

[figgeroni]

Donna...Cori's ex has called the police over 8 times on us and then lied lied lied in court papers....

sometimes it seems as though justice has to wade through a lot of muck before it can find us

[lea74]

Damn, damn, damn!!! I need a big 2 x 4 from someone.

Again I let me XH get to this evening and I gave in. He is supposed to, court ordered to, phone my sons on a MOn, Wed and Fri. Anyway he called this evening. My S10 answered their phone and asked why he was phoning and told him tonight wasnt his night. My s10 didnt seem to be too bothered by it and just said speak to you tomorrow dad.

Afterwards I asked my S10 if he wanted to chat to his dad and he wasnt bothered by it. I started to feel guilty and 'sorry' for my XH, not sure why as I hadnt done anything. My S10 said XH sounded sad and sorry for himself. I then asked S8, if he wanted to speak to his Dad and he also wasnt bothered. I should have left it at that, however I said to S8, that XH sounded sad and that maybe it would be nice to chat to him. My S8 is a softie like me and called his dad. They had a nice conversation, however again OW was put on the phone even though the judge has said that she isnt allowed!! Then OW had the audacity to text my sons and say:
'You talking to your dad tonight has made him so happy. He misses you so much and loves you so much. He is so proud of you.'

This made me so angry as I am the one that encouraged them to talk to him. They werent even interested. I know that the text was directed at me, so responded on their behalf that 'Mom made us.'

Why do I let him get under my skin!!! How can I feel sorry for him??? He has brought this on himself and I dont keep to the boundaries that have been set. The story of my life with him, being intimidated and not being able to stand up to him. What I should have done is not let them answer the phone!!

He is currently in venice with OW, and he misses his sons??? That was his choice and if he really loved his sons, why did he leave them for another woman.

I am so angry at the mo. He has taken advantage of my good nature and again is playing mind games with my sons and she is being her usual manipulative self!

It wont happen again - that is for sure!!!

[Gypsy]

Hey, ms lea..

How goes the day?

It's understandable that you want the best for your sons, especially with their relationship with their father. And if you were married or significant others, looking out for their father's emotional wellbeing is absolutely the right thing.

Another one of the hardest aspects of divorce is letting the kids and other parent create their OWN relationship. It will be very different than what you would want it to be.

The kids had their boundaries, they knew what worked for them. Respect that. Their dad called the kids on the wrong day. YOU got upset that he was feeling mopey and pushed to fix it. The 'softie' son who was perfectly fine with not talking to his dad was pushed TOO do it. What does that teach him?

I know this sounds rough. This is a painful learning curve. Yet with each owie comes an opportunity for growth. The trail is rough now full of pitfalls, detours and barely visible.

Keep going forward, pushing through. The more you're able to divorce yourself emotionally the better you can move forward.

Cry, get mad, process the hurt, betrayal, agony, sense of helplessness. Turn to a friend who listens. Find a great counselor.. they can make a world of difference.

This was about you, not him. You are not their dad's emotional confidant. You don't know, nor is it your responsibility to know how he feels, what he needs. He's turned to someone else. And she is working to create an integrated relationship with him and the kids. Her texts are not directed to you. They're giving feedback on continuing a relationship with him and trusting her.

Is what he did to you fair? No.
Is how he went about it wrong? Yes.

His actions speak louder than words. Let go of the connection you once had, want to have. I still perk up like a puppy when the former spouse asks me to work on resolving something together. Why? Because I felt we were always such a good team. That part always made me feel good. And I just go there.. and THEN get upset I went there. He didn't do it to get to me. I did.

You are doing great, even if it feels the opposite. Respect your children's choices when it comes to their dad. Toss yourself some extra love.

You're worth it.. and you're wonderful.

*hugs*

[flowmom]

(((Lea))) It's so tough. I've had the luxury of developing a coparenting R with stbxh without an OW being directly involved - I know it would be much harder for me in that case.

I hope that you can read Gypsy's post and really reflect on it. She speaks the truth. You have a huge opportunity to relieve your own suffering by continuing down the path of emotional divorce and acceptance.

Your anger towards OW is totally understandable and justified. But at this point she is part of your children's lives. What is best for the children here? For my children, I feel that once there is someone serious in stbxh's life, she will potentially be another person in their lives who care about them and support their well being. She will also buffer stbxh's rough edges and provide some balance when my children are with him. Will I have my own triggers and baggage to deal with? Yes. But I always strive to keep my actions and intent in line with what's good for my children.

I know you care for your children too, more than anything. Take care of yourself.

[luvless]

My exH is getting married on April Fools Day this upcoming year. It is appropriate because their M is a big fat joke.

I know this wasn't meant to be funny but I almost fell out reading it!

Lea, sorry to hear of this wedding news but you know what--she gets to marry a man who cheated on his wife. That's lame. Just keep your head up and keep on with the keep on

I think about this happening to me too. How quick he will remarry. Then I think what she is getting. A cheater and a liar and not how she will have to take care of his old grumpy a** - not me

Luv

[luvless]

I unfortunately had to sell my ring the other day

I get ya...I just sold mine and ironically the day after we went to court. It was so sad to hand it over. The guy I sold it to was so nice. He was on his second marriage. He told me his former wife of 10 years cheated on him. He text me after we left the bank and said, "don't worry it will get better." I wanted to cry.

At least my ring will sit on a woman's hand who deserves it.

Luv

[luvless]

From OW:Has it not got through to you yet that i will be married to Paul and officially be the boys stepmother. Hope you enjoyed your visit this evening. (I assume this means the police)
You would know what trash was. never met anyone who is such a low class in my life.
You absue your kids mentally and when they are older the will resent you.
Did I tell you that we are very happy and that the boys love being with us. I too will be a Mrs S van Kooten - its kind of funny.
Sweet dreams .... Hope you dont have night terrors - if so borrow S8 light that we bought him. It works well.

I am not sure how to deal with this

This makes me mad as hell. What is wrong with people? How dare she interfere with YOUR children? It is not her place and she should look in the mirror and see the low life classLESS person she is. She is not a step mom she needs to step back!

[lea74]

Hey Gypsy, thanks for the message. I needed it!! It has been a bit of a down day. Not sure why, maybe as yesterday was 6 months since D day. Feeling a bit sorry for myself as I am home alone and XH and OW are enjoying a lovely weekend in Venice - of all places.

I am trying really hard to emotionally withdraw from him but after 21 years it is hard. Not sure why, but he said in an email the other that I dont care about him - well Duh!! Why does he care anyway. The best option for me is not to communicate with him - there really is no need. This is hard, but I know it what I have to do to move on and essentially it will help my kids as well.

I am a fix-it so try to make everyone ok - and end up not making anyone happy - especially myself.

AS for OW - I am not there yet. I can accept her R with XH but when it comes to my kids I am like a mother lion and just see red!! I guess what really gets to me is that she is spending time with my kids that is mine - I didnt have kids to only see them every other weekend. Based on the interations we have had I dont believe that her intentions are good and really dont trust her. Im going with my gut on this one.

Thanks for your kind words - I needed to hear it. Man I wish this roller coaster would stop!!