Not sure where to start or end? WAW? #4

[john28]

It really feels different this time folks. I've pulled away, or am pulling away, yet I'm looking at this from another perspective. I am taking time to get to know myself again, but in that process I've discovered that I wasn't an award winning husband and father. So, I'm changing that.

Her family has been in town since last Wednesday and I gave up my days so S4 could spend them with her family. Yesterday I was supposed to play in the finals for the State Amateur golf tourney, but it was postponed until today. I called her and let her know that it was postponed and she said she had to work during the time of the tourney but would ask her Aunt to watch our son.

I thought about that yesterday and when I spoke to her last night I asked her if she had asked her Aunt yet if she would watch our son. She said she had not, and I said, "Good, because I'm not going to the tourney tomorrow. It's more important to me to spend time with S4." It's true. I haven't seen my child for 4 days and was about to give up my only day this week (Sunday) so I could go golf. That's not the man I want to be.

I don't know if she understands or even noticed what I gave up to take our S4, but it is definitely a 180 for me. The old John would have just went and played in the tourney. It doesn't matter to me, he's here with me now and I'm happy.

So after I told her that I wouldn't be going to the tourney she said that the car was in the shop and I would have to come pickup our S4. I told her that was no problem at all, and asked her what time she worked. We chatted and then I told her I would give her a ride to work after picking S4 up and we could just go from there.

Saw her just now when I dropped her off at work. I probably shouldn't have but I tested a little and on the car ride by saying "Ohh it's so cold this morning!" and reached over grabbed her hand and said, "Oh you're warm". Didn't meet any resistance. Then when she got out of the car, she initiated one of those crappy cheek kisses that we all hate. She hasn't done that in a month of so. Things felt a lot less tense, I can feel the tension kind of subsiding.

Now, onto the subject of giving each other space. I'm not pursuing anymore at all. I'm just trying to be the best version of John that I can be. That means that I do nice things for my wife, because that's the John I want to be. I can feel myself getting just a little bit stronger everyday, but it is a long process.