While this may seem harsh, ultimately all these seem to me like lame excuses for lack of commitment and character.
I think we have to be careful, if we're blaming bad decisions on a person's 'bad character.' People in bad situations sometimes make bad decisions. But that doesn't make them bad people, lacking in character and commitment. And, frankly, the same goes for a H who neglects his W to the point where she's so desperate for love and connection that she ultimately feels like she has no resort but to look outside the M. This doesn't EITHER party bad people...just a people who don't yet know how to establish and maintain intimacy, communication and connection in a long-term, intimate relationship.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Hey Sandi how are you? Hope all is well with u & your health too. I have no Internet or cable I'm typing from iPhone, so sorry if spelling is off!! I know this is long & hope i don't keep boring you. I know your super busy as it seems that your the only one on the board to help the newbies maybe it's just the weekend.
First I want say thanks Sandi u offer so much to so many people during everyone's crazy time. I can't thank you enough for helping me or just listening to me vent or ramble.
Moved to my new place been their about a week it's nice but it's not my home oh well. Man this forgiving & trying to be nice & friendly is harder than I thought!!
Well we actually met for coffee two weeks ago just to go over separation agreement and we meet with the mediator this coming Wednesday to talk about the house. I told her that it was sad that it's come to this point & she said the same.
I broke the ice & asked about her day, then she vented a little & we talked a bit about what's going on in our lives & the separation agreement. It's sad cause I'm almost positive she is seeing OM (somethings just not Right but not sure what). I told her that I could have handled are our situation better if she didn't cheat on me & to be honest I think we could or could have made it if it was just the 2 of us.
Next she goes in to the whole guilt trip on how she feels so bad and sad & she has to live with what she did everyday (ya WTF). Anyway she told me she stopped taking her antidepressants & she has gained weight & how upset she is with her job (so I think she is very depressed unless it's a great acting job)
She said at times she has to leave the house so she doesn't cry in front of our S. She tells S she has to run out to grab something at the store.
I know my wife and how she see's herself & self-esteem is low, she doesn't think she's pretty, she's not a great catch, & i just put up with her when no one us would (she feels like the ugly duckling). Which is not true at all.
Maybe I'm stupid, but I honestly do feel bad for her & wish her the best. However I feel b/c she is involved with OM or (someone else) without dealing with any of her issues or taking the time to morn the loss of our M. She will only run into the same problems in the future.
As for myself I have been working at my own issues with IC/ MC/FT she knows the whole family & has tried her best to help W & me out she has been great with our S too.
I told W that she could see our FT, W says she knows but has too work somethings out. Well I can't change how she feels or make her happy either. I can only work on my happiness & be their for my S.
This is probably dumb on my part but as I told her that until the D is final I'm staying true to my vows. I guess that's just my honesty & integrity or just how I was raised. She said I was a better person than her(of course I said no) & said we both have made mistakes. I guess I cant understand why I still care so much for her.
Well I guess by now I should be over this stuff its just hard this whole process sucks ups & downs like a roller coaster .Now looking back where we were last year at this time Ii can see we were slipping & all the signs I missed cause I had complete & total trust. Also now seeing her once or twice a week, or the few text, or calls which it's usually just about our S. Sometimes we joke around. Well it's gonna be tough during the holidays.
Well thanks for listening to me as always just like many others I really appreciate your thoughts and encouragement during my crazy time. Well take care talk to ya later. I have to write a term paper that's due in 2 weeks. Thanks Hope
Thanks FMV for pointing that out. When a marriage is in trouble, it usually took a while and issues w/both partners that got us here.
Hope, I'm so sorry it's reached this point for you:(. I guess I'm a hopeless romantic and am sad when it comes to this...
As for me... Reading everything out there, and hope H will actually read 5 Love Languages for me. As for me -- ironically a book called "Why Men Love B!tche$" is actually helping me alot. It's about how a B values her self respect more than a relationship, and doesn't sacrifice everything to be in R. Well... HELLO! That's me exactly, giving up way too much for H, M and yeah for the kids too. Especially the kids... I have no boundaries and they really don't appreciate me because I've been a doormat.
As hard as ending the EA has been... Well, am seeing alot of what Sandi shared to be true. I'm thankful for the parallels I'm seeing between the feelings for EOM and H... Transference is the term my reading has called it. You put all your "ideal man" qualities into this fantasy, and well... That's all it is -- a fantasy. Of course plus the attention and pursuit not coming from H.
After wallowing and crying in bed for a day, I actually got out and walked again today... Trying to cultivate my inner B!tch, Lol.
Right now making a late night run to get some things for myself that H would usually do -- would rather he save his energy to give me affirmations and affection! Yes, the B takes care of her own needs... And takes care of herself.
I was like that before M and kids, but lost myself somewhere along the way. Now, a little chocolate for a dose of PEA to replace what EA was giving me.
FMV, I'm going to move it over to your forum now... I hope Sandi will chime in every now and then, because she really understood and made it clear to me how insidious and damaging EA was.
Wish me luck with my H, and being a B!tch, who states her needs directly. I'm working on it!!!
Agreed! You like Sandi, despite some mistakes, made the constructive choice to work on your M and improve communication using a lot of available help. That's character and commitment. Others in the WAW category feel entitled to deliberately choose to be very hurtful and destructive when they don't get what they want. That's not character and commitment.
Fb, Well, like Dr. Phil says... You've got to earn your way out. I'm hoping it won't come to that in my case... And that H will start working on the M with me, because as much as I value my M, I don't want to keep living in separate bedrooms and living in isolation, and loneliness ... Which by the way, reading has said makes a woman rule for EA!
So... Making a list of all those things I've neglected doing for myself (eye and dental appointments!!!) as well as going out with a happily married woman friend for a drink this week ( Which I NEVER do, always school stuff for the kids!!). I'm disappointed my H doesn't want to dress up with me and go to adult only school fundraiser tomorrow night... I may go by myself if he won't come, because I really wanted to go:(. Had thought of ways to connect with him then (we never go out as a couple), but... Oh well.
I'm trying. If I become a WAW, at least I'll know I gave it a shot and can honestly say it's not OM.
This kind of neglect and early loss creates low self-esteem and exaggerated longing. Emotional needs are immense. Love Addicts have enormous fear about being able to connect emotionally.
The Addictive High of Fantasy
Love Addicts compensated for lack of nurturing as children by immersing themselves in fantasy. Fantasies of being rescued or being the rescuer abound. Knights, dragons, romance novels- getting high from fantasy becomes habit.
THIS REALLY SPOKE TO ME:
"When a Love Addict plays with fantasy, they can get high in about 10 minutes, and stay there for 2-3 hours. Endorphins are released into their system, relieving emotional pain.
Love Addicts begin relationships by trying too hard to please and connect. They are driven to find someone to tell them they are loveable and loved; to find someone who will rescue them from their inability to care for themselves; rescue them from their loneliness, emptiness, lack of self-love, inability to feel safe in the world without someone to protect them. They look for a relationship to make them feel whole.
Love Addicts begin relationships by trying too hard to please and connect. They are driven to find someone to tell them they are loveable and loved; to find someone who will rescue them from their inability to care for themselves; rescue them from their loneliness, emptiness, lack of self-love, inability to feel safe in the world without someone to protect them. They look for a relationship to make them feel whole.
If you recognize yourself there Time you have made tremendous headway in combating the EA. It is fantasy that keeps it alive and it can very easily ruin your marriage in real life.
Welp...found out the last four months of No-Contact with OM was BS. They are together right now.
I think this is it for me. My heart doesn't crush any further. She's gonna file or I will.
YAY LIFE!
=O(
M: 29, W: 28 Together 8 years, Married 1 (5/16/09) Bomb (LYBNILWY)4/22/10 Affair discovered 5/3/10, began Jan/Feb 2010 Separated 5/22/10 - Present Affair exposed 7/7/10 No children
