Haven't Yet Found My Way

[Mystik]

Haven't really talked to anyone in real life about going to the psychiatric hospital for more intensive treatment. I feel embarrassed, like I am incapable of handling real life. The only people who know are my sister, who is going with me, and my supervisor because I had to tell her what was going on and that I might not be around for awhile. It's humiliating to know that my husband leaving me and having an affair and a baby with another woman drove me to the psych hospital because I just couldn't handle it, my husband broke me. Which I was pretty well broken before, he just completed the job.

I am still somewhat emotionless. Pretty sure most of my emotions have shut down with only pain/sorrow able to feel anything. I can say to myself that H isn't coming home but I don't believe myself. If someone else says it, I cry. I still have that strong feeling of confidence he will return. Still have that feeling that I'm ok, just have to be patient. And I've had all these feelings before and they eventually faded away to depression so what's to say this time is any different. But I'm afraid that if I'm still feeling ok when I go for the appointment Wednesday they'll tell me I don't need them, to go home and get over it.

Trying to just go day by day but I'm a control freak. I hate not knowing what is going to happen next, that's why I read the end of the book first then go back to the beginning and read it straight through. And not knowing what is going to happen with H is killing me.