Pie's Story - he's comfortable again

[ericmsant2]

PIE

I have taken a HUGE knock in my self-worth.

Everybody does when the bomb hit. It tends to knock you off of your feet. So FWIW, your like the rest of us. LBSers that are broken and working hard to fix those things inside of US that need repair.

was VERY ok with myself before this. I felt attractive inside and out.

Have you ever ask yourself WHY YOU felt one way before and feel another way now. Write down what you feel were your attractive traits and then go find them INSIDE OF YOU.

Everyone says I'm way out of his league image wise, but then I think, is there something wrong with my 'inner me' then?

First the statement that “everyone” is saying about being out of his league is a little superficial if ya ask me. Is their something wrong with the inner you? Think about it and tell me what do you feel about yourself. Better yet…write down 10 thinks about you (not physical) that YOU do not like. Then write down 10 things about YOU that you do like or maybe want to explore and open up too.

I still havn't bounced back from this yet. Clearly.

You registered in June of this year – PIE, change takes time! At least true change does. It is one of the reason why you will find that in the MWD books she instructs us to work on ourselves. It really is the foundation of the “work” that we breach here. What is a 180 if you think about it…it is a change that YOU make.

The key IMO, is to make the changes that YOU want NOT changes that will try and pull your H back to you. The reality is that your H will need to decide when he is good and ready IF he wants to give the R another look.

will prompt him to want to reconsider?

1) Attrraction – what is more attractive that someone that is happy and confident in themselves? Having said this, we ALL have insecurities. It is how we deal with them that really shape who we are. Do we allow our insecurities to drive our decisions i.e. I will become a doormat and have not self worth because I “fear” that you will leave me. Get what I’m saying to you?
2) Forgiveness – Once the spouse wakes up and begin to look at themselves the will realize the amount of damage that has been cause (hence the depression). In order for them to even consider coming back, they need to know that they are/can be forgiven. It really is the same for the LBS if you think about it. If you acknowledge your role in the failure of the M and feel some level of guilt that honestly YOU too would want to be forgiven. To be more specific in your case, maybe the lack of intimacy would be something that you would ask and WANT to receive forgiveness for.
3) Friendship – Most strong and healthy partners are friends. IMO, with out friendship you can really have no chance at reconciliation. This is why MWD suggests detaching with love. Believe it or not it can be done. Is it easy? F*ck no. Probably one of the hardest things to do and honestly most will struggle with it. Why? Because I believe that many of us, myself include have a certain amount of codependent habits. These codependent habits CAN change IF we do the work on ourselves. If we begin to understand what a real healthy R looks like.
4) Love – without it NOTHING WILL EVER WORK. Many will tell you that love is a choice and I agree wholeheartly with this belief. I also believe that LOVE is a gift from God. I believe that God but people in our lives for a reason. I am not suggesting that once married you cannot be divorced. No. What I guess I am trying to articulate is that IMO, God allow you and your H to meet and wed. He allowed you to LOVE him. I do not believe that God takes this love away from EITHER of YOU. Regardless of what mistakes, behaviors, issues, that both of you have – I believe that the Love at some level will remain. This is why detaching is so hard. This is why, the process that the LBSer goes this is so damn emotional. It is why I believe we all cycle.
5) The work you do – So to sum up the DB receipt (at least IMO),
a. Detach – allow you and him to step back, cool off and
b. Work on yourselves – You cannot make him do his BUT you sure as hell can work on yourself and kill the demons that help bring the M to the state that it is in. Yes, he is in a crisis and probably would have had one regardless BUT you and him had issues that needed to be dealt with – NOW is YOUR TIME to do this. Not for him for YOU.

Maybe some people take longer than others. God I hope I do.

Actually most people place a timeline on the work, on their stand AND it is the timeline the causes a lot of pain. You know I spent a long time trying to figure out when I would be done, when was it enough, how much of my W crap would I put up with. So I would say…3 months – f dat! After 3 months I’m gonna throw her as* out. Well 3 months came and went. Then it was 6 months, then 9 months and then a year UNTIL finally, I said fuc* it. Whatever the hell is gonna happen will happen. I try to no longer put a timeline on stuff. IMO, the timeline = a limit that YOU are placing on YOURSELF. So why would you want to limit yourself.

I was just thinking maybe THATS why I want some love now. To validate that I'm actually ok goods And THATS not ok at all Oh dear , what a sad revelation....

You want love because you have been told or made to believe that you are the devil reincarnated probably (nickel to a friend). You want love because you need that external validation and although we all will tell you that you should not need it – the reality is that we all do. So, accept that you are looking for that validation but make sure that it does not become a “dependency for you”. So IMO, it is not a “sad revelation” as much as it is you being honest with yourself, which is a good sign IMO.

PIE, what I will say is that once you begin to feel better about YOURSELF, the amount of external validation that you need will diminish and what you will begin to see is that the external validation has become more of a WANT and LESS of a NEED.

I fear I might be a little broken inside

Did you say fear? To me? Chit PIE, I’m scared too. It’s scary not knowing what the future holds for you. It is scary not knowing if you will be able to survive. A lot of things in life are scary. DO you know what the biggest one is?

Facing your fear. Looking at. Digging inside yourself and KNOWING that you have some serious work to do on yourself. That PIE is some scary chit.

Fear can paralyze you. It did to me for a long time and FTR, can sometime STILL take hold of me. I thank God for these boards and the people in my life that help keep me focused and real. What I can tell you PIE, is that this fear will go away ONCE you stare that fuc*er right in eye. I know and believe in all of my heart that you can do it. Unfortunately, I cannot do it for you. It is something that you will need to face. If you do, you will come out BETTER, STRONGER and guess what…

Even more attractive, especially on the inside.

Not sure how to fix my self image tho

First one word – BELIEVE…believe that you can and guess what YOU WILL.
Second word – FEAR – Face it and you will find that you are stronger than you think and that strength will help you fix what YOU YOURSELF now YOU need to fix.

That means I have a screw loose in that department hey?

No you do not have a screw loose…okay maybe you do. Ha…just kidding. No you don’t. The fact that you are asking questions is a good thing. My hope and prayer for you is that you do not stop. That you do not begin to dig and really get to know YOU, only to be scared away from yourself.

You can do anything you want PIE – first things first….LET GO of YOU old M and really focus on YOU.

God Bless,
Eric