feel love thumping at the doors of my heart again

[flowmom]

It's been over 11 months since STBXH separated from my children and I after giving me two days' notice.

Since moving out, STBXH's actions have been totally consistent with a man who is intent on divorce while maintaining a decent coparenting relationship with me. There has been zero indication of confusion, second thoughts, or missing me or our married life.

I have accepted that he wants to divorce and I am acting as if that is inevitable. I don't believe that reconciliation is possible because even if STBXH had doubts, I don't think that he would be capable of doing the work necessary to make this marriage work.

I am lucky that STBXH has been a good father throughout, and has continued to support me financially, for the time being. I have had a wonderful support system IRL and here on the forum. I don't know where I would be now without it.

The D ball is rolling and we've agreed to work together on a separation agreement, hopefully without involving lawyers.

I am over grieving our M mostly. STBXH was the love of my life, but the spell is broken. Hardest to accept is the loss of our life as a family...it is very hard to accept that our children will not grow up in the intact happy family that they deserve.

SITCH HISTORY

before marriage:

* 1991 - became friends
* 1992 - became long-distance lovers (not monogamous)
* 1994 - started monogamous R in same city
* 1995 - moved in together
* 1998 - STBXH had a brief affair during a difficult period when I was depressed...it caused a R crisis but we reconciled and moved on


after marriage:

* 2000 - married
* 2003 - had baby and started down the challenging road of dealing with a special needs son
* 2004 - STBXH started withdrawing and became depressed to varying degrees
* 2006 - had second baby
* Dec 2008-May 2009 - MC, ended in "impasse" with STBXH not shifting
* Jul 2009 - STBXH turned 40
* Aug 2009 - last sex in M
* fall 2009 - multiple crises, STBXH really withdrawn and expressing rage


post-bomb:

* Dec 22, 2009 - STBXH revealed the depth of his hopelessness about our M, said 80% of his unhappiness was due to the conflict in our M, said that he had done a lot of research on how parental conflict affects children and had convinced himself that our level of conflict was damaging our children...repeatedly stated that he had no plans or solutions for the situation...STBXH was dealing with extreme insomnia and a lot of anxiety symptoms (nervous breakdown?)
* Dec 28, 2009 - STBXH was diagnosed with moderate to severe depression (but ended up discontinuing meds after 4 days), first mentioned trial separation but agreed to wait for a month for his state of mind to stabilize


post separation:

* Jan 3, 2010 - SEPARATION: STBXH moved out and rented 2 BR apartment saying it was a "trial" separation
* Jan 9, 2010 - last relationship conversation: STBXH said he had no motivation to work on our M (lots of fight-or-flight body language) but that he hadn't "closed the door" to reconciliation...promised to keep me updated on any changes in his status
* Jan 11, 2010 - first DB coaching session
* Mar 2, 2010 - overheard STBXH referring to me as his "ex"
* Jun 23, 2010 - STBXH first emailed regarding finalizing financials (indirectly asking for legal separation agreement)
* Aug 12, 2010 - started DATING Guitarist:)
* Sep 5, 2010 - stopped seeing Guitarist to date M, who had serious intentions
* Oct 2, 2010 - M broke up with me
* Oct 7, 2010 - started seeing Guitarist again (exclusively)

It's so true that "the first six months belongs to the WAS, the second six months belongs to the LBS"