Hi Opt., I went back and read your whole thread to get an understanding of where you are in all this. Seems to me we're pretty much on the same page.(sigh) My H had a long term affair. When I found out, he came back home and I was still so totally freaked out by the betrayal that I was probably the most insecure person on the earth. Not very attractive, but hey, I had alot of emotions to work through and major anxiety got in the way of me really working on anything for a long time. Interestingly enough, my H said he felt "trapped" just as yours said he felt "boxed in." I think they feel that way for the same reasons. To avoid conflict. My H HATES conflict and if I bring something up that causes conflict it causes a huge backslide in our R. He sees it as more of the same. I see it as working through the things that got us to this horrible place. I vacillate between intense hurt and anger. Sometimes, like you I wonder if I can ever heal from this monumental betrayal. If he had ended it and not lied several times, it might have helped. Like your H he was very good at deceibt. He now says it's over and he has not talked to her at all. The last time I questioned this he got defensive. I merely stated that I found it VERY hard to believe that after all this time she suddenly just stopped calling him. I asked for help in understanding this, and he had none to offer. They want us to trust them Opt. even despite their past. This is very hard to do as you well know, and we have to do alot of "acting as if." It sounds as though you've found a way to detach. That's for self preservation. Although you hurt and mistust at times I don't think you'll eve go to that place when you first found out. Somehow we get past that-TG. Even though this is still a painful journey, we get more and more independent and stronger. There are days when I feel like a puddle of water-all tired out and defeated. Something pulls me up from that and I have not so bad days now. I also understand your need for control. OR COURSE we strive to control in hopes that it will lead to a less painful journey. I do it even though I strive not to. I simply cannot help myself from it. My H is not at home and although I want him here more than anything, I realize he's not himself yet. Someone said in one of your posts that when they finally do change its happens quickly. In my case it's very slow. Like your H, mine cannot bring himself to D me nor to completely commit to me. So you see, I'm sitting on the fence as well and have been for a very long time. I think as Jeannine said the answer is to lovingly detach. Well ever since I found out that's what I need to do, I've been trying to figure out what exactly it means and what I have to do to get there. I understand your doubts about his trip. Who wouldn't given his past? The hellish truth of it is you have NO CONTROL over his choice to do this. You can choose to believe his reasons for going OR you can stress out thinking the worse case scenario. My guess is you'll go back and forth with your thinking. We go back and forth because we are following them. Sometimes they give us alot of hope that things will work out, and then there are days that I think I cannot live one more day like this. I'm sincerely trying to do the detaching thing mainly because I'm afraid if I don't that I'll throw in the towel. I'm very close at times. It seems the past is too tainted for us to have a future,then I think if all the good years and our kids and grandkids and I get the strength to carry on somehow. It sounds very similar to your sitchuation and I'm very glad Jeannine told me to read your thread. Can we help each other through this?? No one understands better than one who is living it. Where do things stand right now? I understand all too well they can change on a daily basis. You sound strong right now and you need that to keep going. You quoted me in one of your posts saying that they've hung in here this long. It would seem unlikely they are going to D us. I feel very strongly that you and I will have to be the ones to change our sitch. In my case, detaching is my first choice. The other choice, well, we won't go there right now since it's not an option YET. I've not let it be one. So......tell me about detaching,and how you've been doing it? I need help with this guys. I just don't seem to get how to do it. Opt, have you figured it out??? Rachael BTW, I especially liked T2's post to you on 12/9 and Jeannine's on 12/11. All good stuff for trying to put this impossible mess into some kind of perspective!
