News from the tightrope have not changed. We are still on the 26th departure schedule and he says he is going to fly through Houston because tickets are cheaper (actually I checked and they are 30% cheaper). He goes there for his day bussiness trip (paid by the company he is consulting for) and then changes his return trip for two weeks later and leaves directly from there...
I still get the pangs about whether he is lying, but without the accompanying pain the pangs are not the same...
He can lie if he wants but then he'd be choosing deception over a good chance to look at himself and clear his mind up. I am not his mother... he can do what he wants.
He brought up the account thing himself and we went yesterday to one of the banks, but I did not have my SS card with me and we'll have to go tomorrow.
He has been a bit distant, but spending a lot of time with us. He does not spoon with me as much and only cuddle for half the extended version of "The Fellowship of the Rings" yesterday, but that could be tiredness... And he still wears his ring and told me ILY this morning.
We are going to a friend's tomorrow night and I have invited another couple of friends and their kids for Xmas day. It is a great way to create only nice memories (we cannot fight in front of witnesses... and closeness at this point is kind of pointless).
I hope you guys won't mind if I stay here until the 2 weeks are over and I have some definite news one way or the other. I like you all and feel very comfortable in "Piecing"... and h*ll! the fat lady has not sung yet... and may get a sore throat for all I know
I have been very busy at work and unable to post. Trying to squeeze 4 days worth of work into 2 is not for the weak of heart... my back needs that pillow of yours Pam
I am so tired that I ramble...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Mornng Opt,
Well, it's the 26th...did we have 'take off' or not? I hope that over the Xmass holiday you were given some peace of mind as to the itinerary of your H's trip and it's real purpose.
Sometimes we really DO need to step away both emotionally and geographically from our current situation, I know that I have wanted to do that so badly several times this past year or so.
I am still considering a three day spa respite in early January, at The Homestead resort, just to rejuvenate myself mentally and physically for the New Year.
Perhaps, this really is exactly what you're H is looking to do for himself, sort of a spiritual/emotional cleansing.
In any event, hope you are doing well and that your PMA is UP.
T2
Here is my update, guys. I am feeling very well and quite happy, but I am contemplating some tough existential questions. Please do not read this if your PMA is not in good shape. You all matter to me and I do not want to inadvertently depress or confuse anyone
Well, the 26th did come and go and H left as planned. He packed a few necessities in a small carry-on suitcase and we drove him to the airport, D and I. He hugged me really hard and for a long time and said ILY before he left. He even called from Houston to say he was boarding the second plane.
He has not told me his itinerary, but he implied he was going to eventually get to our old college town and then into the mountains... kind of an aimless wandering thing...
I do think he plans to come back home, because he brought some stuff from his office and even the spare key for his car, which had been 'missing' since 1999.
Actually, now that the day has arrived I do not care anymore. I do not even wonder about OW: if he took her he is welcome to her. In fact, it is a relief to be alone and calm and at peace. Now I do not have to worry about what ifs and do not have the anguish and the pain...
I've enjoyed myself at home with my little girl. We've gone out and played and done stuff. We watched some DVDs and baked and skated (well, she skated, I watched ). It is really fun so far...
I've also started reading 'The Dance of Anger,' more with a purpose of self knowledge (with potential applications to my R with my mother and father) than with any idea of applying it to my M.
I do not feel alone and I am actually at peace. I am not even wondering where he is or what he is doing... It feels like after having a relative or a friend over for a couple of weeks... you enjoyed it but you really missed having your home to yourself...
Now what I really wonder is... do I really want him back? I am contented and busy and, frankly, happy. I have good friends and a wonderful daughter; I have a home and I have a job I enjoy and gives me financial security...
I feel very sorry for my H and understand his mistakes and his failings. I have also learned a lesson on how my behaviour contributed to our M's problems and how faulty communication patterns on both sides lead to our downfall.
I have worked really hard for very long to try to rebuild our R and give our M a chance... I know I can do it if I really want it and if he helps even only a little. But then the million dollar question, do I really want it? If he comes back full of enthusiasm and love and remorse, willing to work hard and rebuild our R, do I really want to? Or is it too late?
What do I feel for him, beyond the sorrow, the pain and the old anger? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him, or would I rather be alone? (Remarriage is not an option for religious reasons).
And the answer is I do not know. My D wants her Daddy home, that's true, but I just do not know what I myself want.
Well, I have two weeks to find out, do I not?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
It's just me... I found your post inspiring and awesome. Do you see the difference between this post and the ones before? You're doing a phenomenal job focusing on you.
That is amazing. You're arriving at a very good place for you--and I find that peaceful and rewarding.
Be good to yourself while he is gone. Use the time to think about those tough questions. You may not get the answers, but you will. I know you will.
Great job here. Thanks for inspiring me to try and follow in your steps.
Big hugs.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Opt, THIS is the place we all want to get to and hope to get to... the place of no pain. Sometimes it's easy to get there, sometimes it's hard to arrive at, and sometimes you wonder how to get back and when did you leave. I think we all know exactly where you are... and all of us, well, at least me, have asked the exact same questions.
Enjoy this place, and hopefully, you will be there a long time.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
(we cannot fight in front of witnesses... and closeness at this point is kind of pointless).
) it CAN be done.
