Here is my update, guys. I am feeling very well and quite happy, but I am contemplating some tough existential questions. Please do not read this if your PMA is not in good shape. You all matter to me and I do not want to inadvertently depress or confuse anyone

Well, the 26th did come and go and H left as planned. He packed a few necessities in a small carry-on suitcase and we drove him to the airport, D and I. He hugged me really hard and for a long time and said ILY before he left. He even called from Houston to say he was boarding the second plane.

He has not told me his itinerary, but he implied he was going to eventually get to our old college town and then into the mountains... kind of an aimless wandering thing...

I do think he plans to come back home, because he brought some stuff from his office and even the spare key for his car, which had been 'missing' since 1999.

Actually, now that the day has arrived I do not care anymore. I do not even wonder about OW: if he took her he is welcome to her. In fact, it is a relief to be alone and calm and at peace. Now I do not have to worry about what ifs and do not have the anguish and the pain...

I've enjoyed myself at home with my little girl. We've gone out and played and done stuff. We watched some DVDs and baked and skated (well, she skated, I watched ). It is really fun so far...

I've also started reading 'The Dance of Anger,' more with a purpose of self knowledge (with potential applications to my R with my mother and father) than with any idea of applying it to my M.

I do not feel alone and I am actually at peace. I am not even wondering where he is or what he is doing... It feels like after having a relative or a friend over for a couple of weeks... you enjoyed it but you really missed having your home to yourself...

Now what I really wonder is... do I really want him back? I am contented and busy and, frankly, happy. I have good friends and a wonderful daughter; I have a home and I have a job I enjoy and gives me financial security...

I feel very sorry for my H and understand his mistakes and his failings. I have also learned a lesson on how my behaviour contributed to our M's problems and how faulty communication patterns on both sides lead to our downfall.

I have worked really hard for very long to try to rebuild our R and give our M a chance... I know I can do it if I really want it and if he helps even only a little. But then the million dollar question, do I really want it? If he comes back full of enthusiasm and love and remorse, willing to work hard and rebuild our R, do I really want to? Or is it too late?

What do I feel for him, beyond the sorrow, the pain and the old anger? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him, or would I rather be alone? (Remarriage is not an option for religious reasons).

And the answer is I do not know. My D wants her Daddy home, that's true, but I just do not know what I myself want.

Well, I have two weeks to find out, do I not?

"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little" Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"