I've meant to plug this book since I first got on this board. I finally found the following review I'd made on another board two years ago. I copied, clipped and pasted what I'd written.
A poster on TOW recommended it. Much of it HIT HOME for me. It was like reading about myself and how I've felt for many years.
The full title is Women's Infidelity: Living in Limbo: What Women Really Mean When They Say "I'm Not Happy". http://www.womensinfidelity.com
Michelle Langley, the author, is not a doctor. She's credited as being "A professional public speaker specializing in career development"
The crictisms first. I didn't like the format of the book. A know it all, obnoxious sounding "Go To" Person answering distraught husband's answers about his straying wife. It felt too constrained within a faux framework.
A better author would have done a better job with how the information was presented. Some of the MWs I met online would have been far better and more honest look at individual stories instead of the "most" "some" "few" women the author uses. She uses herself and this Kevin's wife as her primary examples.
There were a few premises I didn't agree with - who cares if a woman is "clitoral" or "girl thingyl" to acheive orgasm?
YET, aside from the above, what she reviewed in the book hit me so hard I sat speechless.
1. PEA - pheylethylamine - the chemical in our brains which is released when we are attracted to someone. "The feeling experienced when PEA is triggered in the brain is similar to the feeling one would experience after snorting cocaine. PEA is a euphoria-inducing stimulant... Just thinking about a person can increase levels of PEA which is why we spend so much time fantasizing about the people we are attracted to...Our bodies build up a tolerance to PEA...as with drugs, PEA is addictive" BINGO!
2. "Particular behaviors lead to specific increases or 'shots' of certain chemicals in the brain. The 2 chemicals involved in the sensation we call 'love' are similar to cocaine and heroin...Living with someone or seeing someone regulary for a long time, causes the release of chemicals in our bodies...but it is comparable to getting regular shots of heroin or morphine."
3. The Four Stages - Pages 16-19. What she wrote about Stage 3 was ME: "Women at Stage 3 were involved in affairs, ending affairs or contemplating divorce. The women having affairs said that their feelings were unlike anything they'd experienced before. They felt 'ALIVE' again and many believed that they had found their soul mates. These women were experiencing feelings associated with a chemically altered state, or what we typically refer to as being in love."
4. More from Stage 3: "Several women at this stage were ending an EMA. In most cases, it was not their decision. THE MAJORITY WERE INVOLVED WITH SINGLE MEN who either lost interest because the relationship could not progress or were attracted to other women. The women whose affairs were ending experienced EXTREME GRIEF, became DEEPLY DEPRESSED and expressed tremndous ANGER toward their husbands."
5. "Unaware that they were experiencing CHEMICAL WITHDRAWL due to sudden changes in brain chemistry, many felt that they had MISSED THEIR CHANCE AT HAPPINESS due to their own indecisiveness."
6. From Page 83 this said it all: "According to the authors of Craving Ecstasy, love can be the most difficult of addictions because of love's unequaled capacity to profoundly influence each of the three pleasure planes - arousal, satiation and fantacy...FALLING IN LOVE MAY NOT BE THE HIGH OF ALL HIGHS, but falling in love WHEN YOU ARE ALREADY MARRIED may VERY WELL BE. AFFAIRS MAY BE THE 'CRACK HIGH' OF NATURAL ACTS."
7. This is what I am, have always been and didn't know it until I read this passage. There's also a wikipedia article - Google "Limerence". Here it is: "Dorothy Tenov wrote a book...Love and Limerence. She coined the word 'limerence' to describe the crazy, romantic state [experienced during an affair]. She described limerence as INTRUSIVE and OBSESSIVE thinking, fantasizing and ACUTE LONGING for a SPECIFIC PERSON...Limerent individuals experience rising and plummeting energy levels...the feelings of limerence are so intense that everything else in life seems insignificant by comparision. However, it seems that in order to experience limerence, sexual desire must be coupled with uncertainty or fear about the future of the relationship."
8. Affairs are the ultimate high due to limerence. "Fear and excitement are heightened by the secrecy, the risk, the taboo and the freedom of emotional and sexual expression, as well as by the flood of sexual chemicals and hormones that come into play once the relationship is consummated."
I've also been reading "Women's Infidelity," and am curious if you think it would be a good idea for me to share and discuss it with my wife?
M: 29, W: 28 Together 8 years, Married 1 (5/16/09) Bomb (LYBNILWY)4/22/10 Affair discovered 5/3/10, began Jan/Feb 2010 Separated 5/22/10 - Present Affair exposed 7/7/10 No children
I've got to admit..."Women's Infidelity" was a bit depressing.
I guess I was hit by the discussion about once a woman loses all feeling for her spouse, that it's irreversible and too late to do anything about.
Yet I come here, and read the opposite, as in your case Sandi.
=O/
M: 29, W: 28 Together 8 years, Married 1 (5/16/09) Bomb (LYBNILWY)4/22/10 Affair discovered 5/3/10, began Jan/Feb 2010 Separated 5/22/10 - Present Affair exposed 7/7/10 No children
Mike, as powerful as those brain drugs are right now... I think the book is overly pessimistic about the M relationship. Take some of it with a grain of salt.
Ok... Moving on (or trying to) I actually found alot of concrete help at the slaa.org website (which8s a 12-step program for sex/love addicts) and have identified a therapist that deals with love addictions.
Mike, this material is much more hopeful, and teaches the skills to move forward when an addiction is causing problems in your life... Which of course EA's do. They also explain the different types of love addicts, co-dependency, etc. And how some love addicts are actually drawn to Avoiders, because of their desire to put pursue unattainable.
This is making much more sense in my case than those 4-year biological urges to change mates. I think this goes deeper, to losing my father as a small girl... And why I accepted so many years of so much distance in mt M., and why it's hard for me to ask H to meet my needs.
So yes, I am in withdrawal from those brain chemicals, but I think it 's a psychological addiction for me as well. I' ve got to figure this out to make anything work.
There's all sorts of rationalization for infidelity. While this may seem harsh, ultimately all these seem to me like lame excuses for lack of commitment and character. However there's genuine need for empathy and understanding and it's available to those who seek help in overcoming such difficulty. Sandi has led the way.
I'm saying that when you a love addict, you may just be recreating your sitch w/ your H and the SSM, by becoming involved in an EA, which flourishes in fantasy and isolation.
Many of the characteristics of the love addict (loe self-esteem, loss of self-care) etc. Have to be understood and dealt within there is any hope to repair the M.
A key rule in the 12-step programs is ABSTINENCE from the addiction... I am just looking for ways to get through this.
