Here we go again!

[cat04]

Bethann,

You are not the only person who has ever been through this. If you were, these boards, would not need to exist.

If I'm really honest with myself I know that part of the problem was that I never really forgave him for the affairs.

This is an important thing for you to recognize, IMO. When you can’t forgive someone, you can’t give them your true best self. Because there is a lack of trust. Even if it is unspoken and unacknowledged.

I would definitely add this to your goals if I were you. Learning how to forgive.

Personally, forgivness was hard fought for me, but when it finally came, it made a world of difference in my outlook and my life.

I feel like a complete doormat, but I love this man and want to grow old with him -- but not the way he is -- and I'm not really sure that he can change, I mean I tried again already and all he really proved is that cheaters never change.

I'm almost ready to try the divorce remedy again, but I need some hope that 1) he will change and 2) he will actually come back again.

I am glad you want to try DB again, but I caution you, it isn’t a quick fix. And once you start, it should really become a way of life, not something you do to simply save your marriage.

There are no guarantees that your M will be saved. It sounds like you have an idea of what you no longer want to accept in your life as far as behavior from your H. That is good. Because it will allow you to figure out exactly what you will accept. And hopefully, you will begin to understand why as well.

There is always hope. As long as you want to have hope, there is hope. Nothing is ever written in stone.

You cannot control your H’s actions or choices. He is human too. However I agree with DBmod, your actions and reactions can and will affect your H’s actions and reactions. As well as those of other people. It is the butterfly effect.

I know I need to focus on getting my life on track and I know that this will help me and my kids, even if it doesn't fix my marriage. I know all these things, I guess I just needed someone else to tell me. So here goes, day one of fixing me. This is so much harded than it actually sounds!!

Yes this is much harder than it sounds. Baby steps and patience with yourself are key in this.

Knowing that you will have moments, sometimes more than moments, where you feel like crap, and other moments when you feel wonderful. It is all part of this.

Walking away, with anger, with no effort, would be easy. You wouldn’t be here if you wanted to take the easy road…