Albuquerque living part 2: Road to recovery?

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

Just got off phone with H. Conversation went very very badly. He sounded depressed when I started. I guess my obvious issues were causing him some angst. He wanted to know why I was upset.

I was very blunt and kind of wish I wasnt but at the same time, feel like I need to be. I told him that the DC question prompted some insecurities in me. My trust had been shot and it raised those questions. It also raised some of the hurt and betrayal I felt about OW. Told him that I was a bit unprepared for the emotions and that's why I felt I needed to work out my issues.

It was clear that my statement upset him greatly. To the point where I think he was almost mad at me. He said he greatly misinterpreted my state of mind or where I was in the process. I was calm but firm. I said that I didn't feel that was accurate. I have always been honest in where I was and nothing in the situation had changed. But that question did bring up some issues in my mind that I had to deal with. *I* had to deal with. Yet he remained tacitly upset. I told him that I had ALWAYS been dealing with these emotions and issues. And that on occasion I'm going to have a down day and that there will be bumps in the road. He said he WASN'T expecting bumps in the road like this. I told him that the way I saw it, our old M was over. The new M can be fantastic, but there is some rubble in the way before we can rebuild. He has rubble to deal with in tying up loose ends with OW, working through his feelings etc. He's not even back in the house yet. And I have issues also. And don't think it's unreasonable if I occasionally have a down day.

He wanted to know (kind of in a mad way) if he needs to NOT ask certain questions or try to avoid questions that might cause problems. I said absolutely not. No more than he should not ask me what is bothering me when I have a down day. I told him that the minute we start censoring ourselves or avoiding difficult questions, that's the moment we move back to the old M. We did that before. We made assumptions about things and avoided certain topics because we "assumed" it would cause issues and just chose to avoid them. I don't want that.

The call still didn't end well. He said he needed time to think through things. My only regret is in discussing the pain of the OW. It was real and it hurts, but I don't think he was mentally ready for that. I only said it to kind of make him understand why I got so upset, but realize I could have done so without TOTALLY mentioning the extent of the pain. So I think I did screw up there. But otherwise, I feel OK with my end. I just don't feel OK with his response. I will give him the space but given the tenuous nature of our new R, I can't help but feel some angst now. Just one more thing I have to learn to deal with.