Albuquerque living part 2: Road to recovery?

[Albuquerque]

Update,

So had a loooong talk with H last night. He seemed ready to talk and talk and talk about everything. Turns out he actually DID end things with OW last weekend. He was still pretty messed up due to his Xanax withdrawals even when I talked to him on Tuesday, so he left me with the impression that he tried but failed. He knows he left me with that impression and didn't do anything to correct it till now. This is what he told her.

He said he told her that it basically came down to a decision between her and D. And that unless he was at home involved in D’s life on a day to day basis, he knew his relationship with D would be dysfunctional and that he wasn't willing to do that. He said that she was understandably upset and tried to meet him halfway on some things. Turns out (much to my dismay), she's moving BACK to our state (probably within an hour or two from us) early next year. She was originally from here which is where H originally met her as friends. So she was trying to talk about a way of continuing with H with her being close by. H said he made it clear that would not work but expects some aftershocks.

I admit, hearing him say that was a bit of a slap in the face. Hearing that in a way, I played no part in the decision wasn't what I was wanting to hear. So I was a bit taken aback and introspective. When he asked what I was thinking, I was honest and said that hearing that the decision had nothing to do with me was a bit disturbing. He said that he could see that. But, he said, that was more for the sake of the OW. He really DOES want to fix his R with D. But he felt that by keeping me out of the mix, it made it harder for her to have a good "comeback" so to speak. When it came to a decision between her and D, D would always win. He reiterated that he had seen tremendous changes in me and that he was VERY happy with me and would not have decided this if he felt we’d go back to the marriage the way it once was.

He offered to answer any questions I had. I really didn’t have many. The main one was whether she would be attending the annual conference his job puts on each year in January. She attended last year and years prior and that’s how they initially met. He said that she had already stated that if she wasn’t going to be going WITH him out in the open then she wouldn’t be going. But since she already asked for time off, she may use that time to come back to this state and look for a place to live. I guess her STBX will also need to move back to facilitate custody of their son so it’s more up to him what town they end up moving to. He told me that once things settle down, he would like to be able to go out to lunch every so often with her. I told him in no uncertain terms that I had a HUGE problem with that. He asked if I felt that all contact needs to be cut off. I said yes and asked whether he understood why I might feel that way. He kind of did but seemed less than certain. So more angst for me. I’ll take it one day at a time and certainly can’t start stressing about what the future situation will be. But so far, this isn’t turning out well.

So I ended up very introspective and unsure. Was this really the R I wanted? Can I even truly believe what H is telling me? When he poked his head out of the fog, he said the factor that made him wake up had to do with the changes in ME. So I think I’ll take advantage of the mantras MLC=confusion and believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do. All his actions indicated he was coming back for me (and D as well don’t get me wrong). So to hear him talk differently has got me really questioning a lot. He hasn’t said anything negative about OW and I know (because he said so) he genuinely feels bad about the whole situation. I can understand that. But he also said that he doesn’t really feel like he did anything wrong. He’s apologized for all the craziness over the last year, but he doesn’t feel bad about this because in his mind he was done. As delicately as I could, I told him that that perspective bothers me and I absolutely disagree. He was still married. Hell, much to my surprise SHE was still married (but much further along in her divorce). And she KNEW he was still married. And I also mentioned that if he felt what he was doing was OK, he would have been more up front and honest to people like his mother. But he wasn’t. He didn’t really say much.

Our conversation kind of slowly died off as it got late and we both fell asleep. (yes this conversation took place in bed but no hanky panky). But prior to falling asleep, I kept asking myself if I was being fair to myself. What about this is bothering me? The fact that he hasn’t really picked me over the OW? Because he has. But he kind of didn’t. But the end result is the same and he genuinely says he is very happy with me. Hasn’t said ILY or mentioned the L word. But seems genuine in wanting to make it work. He realizes HE has a lot of work to do and seems genuine about doing it.

But then there are these facts. He doesn’t hate OW. In fact, I know he still has feelings for her and she for him. He ended it because he knew his choice in the direction of his life eliminated the possibility of moving forward with her. But he didn’t really WANT to leave her. The situation kind of forced his hand. So now finding out that she will be moving close by, and knowing that piecing our M back together will be fraught with obstacles, I’m very concerned that he could easily go back to her at some point. But then, I also know that fretting over these types of “possibilities” is absolutely pointless.

So then when he texts me this afternoon and tells me that his company wants to send him to DC for a conference, it kind of broke a fuse inside my head. I didn’t respond badly, just asked some questions about when and stuff. But I guess he detected my aloofness. He asked if it was OK with me if he went because if not, he could have a coworker go. Fortunately, I was on my lunch break at this point because I had a minor meltdown. All the pain and insecurities dealing with the OW came flooding back. I honestly did not know what to tell him. On the one hand, I absolutely don’t feel comfortable with him going. Why? Because I can’t rule out an OW meetup. Plain and simple. On the other hand, I can’t keep eagle eyes on him all the time. At some point, I have to learn to trust again. This just feels too quick.

Then there’s the other aspect. Why is he asking me? He hasn’t moved back yet. Until he does, I don’t know that I feel like we have a real R yet. And I guess I feel like I don’t feel I should factor into the decisions he makes. But on the other hand, we ARE married, he DOES want to come back and IS showing concern for my feelings. But then I realize my feelings are being kind of out of whack. So my mind ended up spinning and spinning. In the end, I bluntly told him that I didn’t know what to say and that I needed to work on me a bit more. He realized he had hit a nerve and tried to apologize. I told him he hadn’t done anything wrong.

So H wants me to call tonight and discuss this. I think he’s gotten used to seeing me be strong and OK with everything. Just because I can compartmentalize the pain and betrayal doesn’t mean it’s not still there. Now that R is on the table and these issues are coming up, these closed doors are starting to pop open and I realize I am unprepared. I will be as honest as I can with him. I don’t know the right answers to these feelings. For the first time in a long time, I feel I need to go back to IC or maybe discuss starting MC with H.

I certainly welcome some feedback on this. I think the biggest thing that is eating at me is I don’t feel like H chose me. I feel like I was the lucky winner of a coin toss. Insecurities? You betcha. The need for growth never stops.