Hello everybody. Thanks for visiting my thread... Things at work have been hectic this week and I have not had much time for logging on and posting. But I missed you all.

We have had a few hard spots, H and I. The initial ones were created by me and my total need for control. You can let go of that need for a while, but it becomes difficult not to try to regain it. It is scary not to be in control of your surroundings...

My H has said he'll leave on the 26th. He briefly mentioned that he may go back to our old college town (where we met and started dating), then go around in the mountains... There are several old monasteries that take guests and he was thinking of staying there... I had not even thought about that but it seemed a great idea... if it is true.

Because the whole thing is now down to a show of trust. Is he really going off to sort himself out and get some perspective and space (something I totally agree with)... or is he going away to OW's son's wedding and then to take OW in the vacation to Europe that he has been promising her for 5 years...

I agree with him that he needs time and space, but I do not know if that is yet another excuse. I hope for his sake it is not...

He has been home early most of this week and proposed several outings, he calls to tell me of his plans for the day and fixes breakfast most days...

But he has not taken me to the CPA, or fixed the bank accounts, did not want to take my picture to his office, and has not bought the tickets for wherever he is going (he says) so that I suspect he is not going to let us take him to the airport... (some pattern he did when he was going in 'bussiness trips' with the whore)

So the fact of the matter is that I do not trust him. He has lied so much and so well for so long that I only trust what I see and even that takes effort.

Earlier this week we had a talk about my need for public attonement and recognition. It all started when he told me that the CPA had prepared an annual summary of the bussiness for us and was going to bring it to him to his office. I asked why did we not both meet with him... and he gave some excuse or other.

Then I explained to him that my purpose on talking to the CPA was to have H recognize me as his wife and put a period to all talk about the divorce that OW has been feeding him for years (their go to the same church or something). H got all mad at that, saying that I wanted to make him grovel and humiliate him in front of everybody, that I had done the same thing with his sister and his family and that he had not seen me make any kind of public affirmation in front of my own family... He went on and on in this line...

I validated as much as I could, but clearly stated how hurt I was by his public flaunting of his mistress and the insults that he had allowed her to throw at me... And that I needed reaffirmation as public at least as the insult had been.

The conversation did not end in any conclusions, but it cleared the air a bit and unbottled the hurt and resentment we both had kept tightly lidded... Released tensions I think.

After that, he was nice and caring and I acted 'as if.' There is less tension but there is also less hope, at least in my part.

I am not going to bring the accounts up again and I am not going to ask about the CPA again. I will even keep my end of the bargain and not talk to my attorney, though H has not kept his end so far...

It is lonely on the tightrope, lonely and cold... but it does not hurt anymore and the view is breathtaking. Even the wind, which was quite strong, seems to have calmed down.

It seems that I may have to cross across the abyss by myself after all... but there is peace in resolution and certainty.






"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little" Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"