Here we go down, down, down...

[25yearsmlc]

I'm kind of just journaling today. Here are a few non-negotiables I talked to my MC about yesterday.

I won't give up my daughter's connection to her father just to get my marriage back

I won't give up having my own life outside of my family.

If H comes home he has to stop running and hiding from me. He has been running one way or annother for almost his entire life. Computer games, long work hours, affairs, friends, activities I can't or am not invited to participate in. All of it is running away.

You sure you want what he has to "offer"?

I cannot accept a "you can't hold this over my head" as an excuse for H to never talk about what happened.

Too bad. You will probably have to "accept" it. He doesn't want to talk about it & you have no control over that. Plus, he probably lacks the insight to offer an explantion that would appease or satisfy you anyhow. Seriously, is there a reason out there that would somehow make it alright? His "reasons" do not and cannot matter. You have to move on. Your h was a flawed man with a life long pattern of breaking vows and fleeing, from the get go. IF he remains that way, so be it. You'll be free of that chronic negative feedback, eating away at your security and self esteem for the rest of your life.

There is no grand explanation that will solve the mystery of how you can love someone who betrays you over and over. But why does that matter now? Isn't the important thing that you won't do that again?

I mean, either your h will somehow turn his life and personality around and become the man you deserve, or you'll find and love another man who doesn't run away or break vows, repeatedly. Either way, your life is about to go UP UP UP and I hope you'll change your subject title to reflect that.

Lastly, of course you should use a L. Anytime there is a child AND OR money involved, a L is mandatory. I'm a L and I say that b/c I have NEVER seen a DIY divorce work when there were children, real estate or sizable assets. It's not done right, in each case I saw. The ONLY time I saw a DIY divorce work, was without kids and when the m was short enough that neither party was overly invested in the m. More or less a "whoops, we made a mistake" type of sitch.

Sure, maybe there are some successful DIY divorces out there. I've seen 2 work. Why would you trust your most precious "asset" (the D3) to an internet form? Oh, to save money....enough said.

You can and will get through this b/c you are already gaining insights and learning from the advice here. You are stronger than you know. Shut the door on your h, (you don't have to lock it, but you do have to stop looking back to see if he's trying to come back in) and move on. Just as you cannot reach the other side of the lack if you keep looking back at the shore you departed, you cannot make it through this if you keep looking back.

When you turn your pain and anger over to God, try not to take it back the next day. I did that for months, until i realized that I was not operating in faith, I was operating in fear.

Trust that HE Does have a plan for you. Right around the corner are good things for you. Get excited about what all the possibilities are. Stop expecting or waiting for an explanation for your h's inexcusable behavior. It's inexcusable and there's a reason it's called that. NO excuse. Why bother spending an ounce of your life energy on that, when you can spend it on creating your new wonderful life?

I will never be financially dependednt on H again.

Amen.