Thank you all for being there... Just thinking that you are there and read my thread... and care about me and my family... sure helps me get through each day.
We've had another 'encounter'. We went for a massage and then were on our way to a Xmas party for my employees when a friend called to see what we were doing for Xmas Eve. She wanted us to go to their place... I told H and he quickly said, very harshly 'How can I go if I won't be there, you go if you want' Turns out I misspoke or he misheard and thought it was New Year's Eve... but it gave me a jolt...
I asked him if he had found coverage... has not... I asked if he knew where he was going to go and when... he did not know... and did not like the question, by his tone of voice... My questions were just friendly and interested not in any bad tone (not reproachful or weepy... or something like that...)
A bit later, still on our way, I asked him when we had the appointment with the CPA and he became upset... Very harsh... I let it be again...
We got home after the party and he went to our D's room. She was just getting to bed and he brought her down to our bedroom... We played in bed the three of us and he told her he would take her to her own bed once she fell asleep...
About 11:30 they called me and I saw they were both asleep in our bed. I got mad, because I thought H had brought D to our bedroom just on purpose so that he would not have to sleep with me... nearly went to the guest bedroom in a huff... came to the BB instead
Anyway, I have been thinking about this a lot. My H asked me for time and space to think things over... I agreed, although I fail to see what is he going to decide in 2 weeks when he has not done it in 6 months... but I asked in turn for some mental security and peace on the financial side... He does not seem to want to give me that. I think that in the morning, when we are both awake and calm, I am going to talk to him about that.
I do not want to continue hurting and I do not want to lash out at him. I do not want us to hate each other. We will some day have grandchildren together. But neither do I want to go back to waking up in a sweat in the middle of the night wondering where he is and with whom... or having nightmares about him and OW...
I think we need to address this issue without any more postponements. I will try to make him understand why it is so important for me, and that it has nothing to do with actual money, but trust. Once he understands, maybe he will stop seeing it as an attempt at control... If he understands but is not willing to give me the kind of security I need, I want to know why... Depending on his reasons for that I will decide whether I can live with that or not...
I am trying to learn from my mistakes and hang to my strengths but man this bussiness of carving your own path sure is tough!
I think my H may well be right: deep down I think his leaving is the end... so I'd better leave him before he leaves me... talk about self-sabotage!
At least I have recognized the pattern...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
