I've been with my husband 10 yrs, married 4. He cheated on me in the early stage of our relationship but generally everything has been great since then. The last year has been heartbreaking for me, watching my dad slowly and cruely dying of dementia and then being made redundant from my dream job of 8 years. I new I was depressed but thought I wad handling it ok. I spent a lot of time helping my mum with my dad, on reflection perhaps too much time. One evening I left my mum early to go back home to my husband, I had forgot my keys so went searching for him as he was out walking the dog. I saw him with another lady, doing nothing but talking. But when I approached him to ask him who she was his reaction told me everything. Since then he initally said he loved me and was sorry, but then made a complete u-turn and said he wanted divorce to try and make things work with this woman (also married). He says he has been unhappy for years and was lonely all those times I was at my mums. I feel like such an idiot, I know it was all my fault, the feeling is killing me. I have tried to get him to stay, initally I spent a few days with him trying to rekindle what we had, I thought it was working but then one conversation with her and he was back to asking for a divorce. Initally I moved out, but I have moved back home as I am desperate to fight for this. I am sleeping in the back bedroom, it's My first night back, and he has been out all evening, presumably with her. I know if I want this to work I need to act lke I'm fine with everything.....I guess???? What do I do??? I want to save my marriage so much, but I feel so weak and heart broken. I just want to know the right thing to do. Please can someone help me? Am I fighting a loosing battle?
I want to officially welcome you to divorcebusting.com...where we support you in not giving up! It is not a losing battle, and you also don't need to act like you are fine with everything.
What are the good things....lets take inventory of that and assess and build that.....and what are his 'complaints'.
Hang in there! You can do this....and we will help you.
There are a couple of other threads on this board with a lot of postings that you should probably read, so posters don't have to keep repeating things. A lot of us are going through the same thing you are. You are not alone.
WAS seems almost epidemic !!
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Pickle and Mrs. B, I agree, it is almost like an epidemic. Even here in my workplace, I have heard of this happening. We are all in the same boat. Must be the economy, or the age group we are in, or the number of years we have been married. Mrs. B, this is so new to you, so please don't do anything drastic yet. The first month or so will be spent crying your heart out, feeling so weak, feeling so hopeless, not eating - this is normal. But you came to the right place. When this happened to me, I begged, pleaded, tried to make him see the light, pulled out old pictures, all to no avail. But here you will see that those behaviours are all a big NO if you want to save your marriage, so start with that now. Read Michele's books, I have the one that is "Divorce Remedy" she has examples there and you can sort of identify with what others has gone through. Its a big comfort to know that it has happened before, and that many people have successfully restored their marriage. Mine is still troubled, but at least I have found some equilibrium. It took me almost four months to get to this point.My husband has an EA, and feels he does not love me anymore, we have an 11 yr old daughter. As of now, I feel like my life is on hold, but I am slowly taking this as an opportunity to use DB techniques and hopefully save my marriage.
Hang on, we will all help each other here.
Angel
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
the feeling is killing me. I have tried to get him to stay
Ok first thing. Stop pursuing him. Begging and pleading.
It does not work.
You need to DETACH from the emotion this is all causing you. This is the hardest thing to do.
Because of course it feels horrible. Maybe someone can post the detachment link for you.
Right now he is blaming you for what is wrong in his life.
You cannot control that and you shouldn't believe it either.
At least not all of it.
What are his compaints? The ones that hit home. The ones you feel sting?
THOSE are the things YOU need to start working on changing about yourself. (180's)
No relationship talk with him for now. Just VALIDATE his feelings if he expresses them to you. Doesn't mean you agree with them but you acknowledge them.
Start focusing on YOU not HIM. What things can you do that you have always wanted to do? What interests can you put your time into? This is getting a life (GAL) and it will help you get your confidence back and take your mind off obsessing about what is happening in your marriage.
You can do this. One step at a time.
DETACH 180's GAL VALIDATE
Read the resource threads at the beginning of this forum.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I'm sorry I have not been on here for a while and did not realise I had responses.
His complaints were that I put everything else above him in my priorities. I agree with him in relation to the time I spent with my poorly dad, and to some extent work, which is probably enough. He also said I would always nit pick with things he did, again I can see I would do this. Some things he has said I did simply aren't true. It's luke he is trying to re-write history to fit in with his decision to leave.
He was fine with me moving back in, he slept in the same bed and would cuddle me nearly every night. He would bring me coffee every morning in bed, but he still continued to see her and eventually left. I tried to do the 180 thing and never tried contacting him. I would try to act indifferent when he was at the house with me, but he still left. He said living with me was heart breaking.
I continued to do the no - contact since he left, he has been in touch many times and has even said he misses me and admits he still lives me. But it's just words, he is still seeing his mistress and I suspect he is in no rush to leave her.
