Quote: I am still trying to think of a Xmas present for H, but I had to admit I could not care less about Xmas and about presents.
Yes .... I feel the same way right now. It is sooo hard to get myself into the holiday cheer. If it wasn't for the kids, I doubt there would be a tree up this year.
I hate feeling depressed during a time of year when it is about family and togetherness.
Oh well .... This too shall pass. Take it day by day.
Lots of hugs .... VelvetPear
With time and patience, the mulberry leaf becomes a silk gown.
~Chinese Proverb~
Wow - what a week you have had. You amaze me with your strength and composure.
I am learning by your actions as are others. I will pray for you and think of you often. I will provide my opinion when I think it might help, but otherwise am just here to support you in any way that I can.
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Hi Opt..have been so busy with work...sorry to hear youa re down..I know the feelings..about gift, what does your heart tell you? Do you think he will get something for you? My h has started collecting Santas, so I got him a neat one that has Santa with a toy bag and list of names, had both of our kids names on it, so I just had to get it. I used to always buy h clothes, but did not want to give him clothes ..so think of something fun that he would like.
Quote: I am still trying to think of a Xmas present for H, but I had to admit I could not care less about Xmas and about presents.
Yes .... I feel the same way right now. It is sooo hard to get myself into the holiday cheer. If it wasn't for the kids, I doubt there would be a tree up this year.
I hate feeling depressed during a time of year when it is about family and togetherness.
Oh well .... This too shall pass. Take it day by day.
I had just read this thread today when I heard a Christmas song on the radio at work. I immediately thought of this thread because of all the uncertainty and dejection, yet also the hint of optimism and detachment....
Quote:
Hard Candy Christmas Dolly Parton
(Carol Hall)
Hey, maybe I'll dye my hair
Maybe I'll move somewhere
Maybe I'll get a car
Maybe I'll drive so far
They'll all lose track
Me, I'll bounce right back
Maybe I'll sleep real late
Maybe I'll lose some weight
Maybe I'll clear my junk
Maybe I'll just get drunk on apple wine
Me, I'll be just
Fine and Dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down
I'll be fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow get me way down
Hey, maybe I'll learn to sew
Maybe I'll just lie low
Maybe I'll hit the bars
Maybe I'll count the stars until dawn
Me, I will go on
Maybe I'll settle down
Maybe I'll just leave town
Maybe I'll have some fun
Maybe I'll meet someone
And make him mine
Me, I'll be just
Fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting throung tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down
I'll be fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down
I'll be fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down
'Cause I'll be fine
(I'll be fine)
Oh, I'll be fine
Thank you all for being there... Just thinking that you are there and read my thread... and care about me and my family... sure helps me get through each day.
We've had another 'encounter'. We went for a massage and then were on our way to a Xmas party for my employees when a friend called to see what we were doing for Xmas Eve. She wanted us to go to their place... I told H and he quickly said, very harshly 'How can I go if I won't be there, you go if you want' Turns out I misspoke or he misheard and thought it was New Year's Eve... but it gave me a jolt...
I asked him if he had found coverage... has not... I asked if he knew where he was going to go and when... he did not know... and did not like the question, by his tone of voice... My questions were just friendly and interested not in any bad tone (not reproachful or weepy... or something like that...)
A bit later, still on our way, I asked him when we had the appointment with the CPA and he became upset... Very harsh... I let it be again...
We got home after the party and he went to our D's room. She was just getting to bed and he brought her down to our bedroom... We played in bed the three of us and he told her he would take her to her own bed once she fell asleep...
About 11:30 they called me and I saw they were both asleep in our bed. I got mad, because I thought H had brought D to our bedroom just on purpose so that he would not have to sleep with me... nearly went to the guest bedroom in a huff... came to the BB instead
Anyway, I have been thinking about this a lot. My H asked me for time and space to think things over... I agreed, although I fail to see what is he going to decide in 2 weeks when he has not done it in 6 months... but I asked in turn for some mental security and peace on the financial side... He does not seem to want to give me that. I think that in the morning, when we are both awake and calm, I am going to talk to him about that.
I do not want to continue hurting and I do not want to lash out at him. I do not want us to hate each other. We will some day have grandchildren together. But neither do I want to go back to waking up in a sweat in the middle of the night wondering where he is and with whom... or having nightmares about him and OW...
I think we need to address this issue without any more postponements. I will try to make him understand why it is so important for me, and that it has nothing to do with actual money, but trust. Once he understands, maybe he will stop seeing it as an attempt at control... If he understands but is not willing to give me the kind of security I need, I want to know why... Depending on his reasons for that I will decide whether I can live with that or not...
I am trying to learn from my mistakes and hang to my strengths but man this bussiness of carving your own path sure is tough!
I think my H may well be right: deep down I think his leaving is the end... so I'd better leave him before he leaves me... talk about self-sabotage!
At least I have recognized the pattern...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Quote: I am trying to learn from my mistakes and hang to my strengths but man this bussiness of carving your own path sure is tough!
I think my H may well be right: deep down I think his leaving is the end... so I'd better leave him before he leaves me... talk about self-sabotage!
At least I have recognized the pattern...
My question this morning: How are you working to change the pattern?
Yes, I can see the need to talk, that is one thing CHL and I did do before he moved out. No, he didn't share all of his reasons but I truly belive what he did share he was honest about.
Don't give up Opt. The holidays are stressful at the best of times, at the worst of times they can be major overwhelming.
Do you keep a journal or just your thread? Look at the timeline. Look at how long each of you was sick adding extra stress. Then a visit that was stressful and didn't go great. Then a bomb anniversary and a rotten holiday, another holiday coming up. Family time, well what if the family is dealing with tons of emotional stress? I think all of this could very well lead to a swamped feeling.
Yes, detachment is needed, but detachment with love and understanding.
I suppose this is a controlling post. But I have nothing to gain, I just feel looking at the other side is in your best interest right now.
You talk about the two weeks and what is he going to figure out.
Well, maybe he is READY now to figure it out.
Something Calystra told me when CHL first moved out. She agreed he wasn't working on things but she said when he starts, when they are READY, it goes quickly. Well, maybe he is ready and just needs the time and space without distractions to really get his head together.
Yeah, he has lots of issues yet to work out in his life, conflict avoidance being a biggie. But, that doesn't mean he can't work on this stuff after he has made a firm decision that he wants to be in this marriage and have his family.
{{{{{{{{{Opt}}}}}}}}}}
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: I do not want to continue hurting and I do not want to lash out at him. I do not want us to hate each other. We will some day have grandchildren together. But neither do I want to go back to waking up in a sweat in the middle of the night wondering where he is and with whom... or having nightmares about him and OW...
Isn't that horrible!? I remember the sweating and the nightmares all too well.
Quote: My H asked me for time and space to think things over... I agreed, although I fail to see what is he going to decide in 2 weeks when he has not done it in 6 months...
I think Pam gave you some pretty good advice on that business.
Quote: I think we need to address this issue without any more postponements. I will try to MAKE him understand why it is so important for me, and that it has nothing to do with actual money, but trust. Once he understands, maybe he will stop seeing it as an ATTEMPT at CONTROL...
I'm lovingly pointing out something here.
Quote: If he understands but is not willing to give me the kind of security I need, I want to know why... Depending on his reasons for that I will decide whether I can live with that or not...
Are you SURE that you are willing to make a FINAL decision one way or another after you hear his reasons - reasons he may not fully understand yet himself?
Quote: I think my H may well be right: deep down I think his leaving is the end... so I'd better leave him before he leaves me... talk about self-sabotage!
Yes. I think most of us are guilty of self-sabotage.
WOW Pam, what a post. I need to do some major thinking here... Same apllies for Jeannine's. Girls you are my guardian angels.
Our D woke up with a fever... there we go again!
One nice thing, though. H woke up in the middle of the night (he could not sleep well either), and went around the bed to my side to snuggle with me. We had to push D to his end Thanks God for king beds
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Quote: One nice thing, though. H woke up in the middle of the night (he could not sleep well either), and went around the bed to my side to snuggle with me. We had to push D to his end Thanks God for king beds
What a HUGE POSITIVE!!!!!!!
This does not sound like a man that is ready for his family to be out of his life.
Hang on Opt, don't the thrill rides always try to throw a big one in when the ride is just about over? So your coaster ride may be about to wind down! If he figures out that this is what he wants and commits to working on things you could end up with Sage's H's twin, and how cool would that be???
Sorry about your D being sick again.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"