Haven't Yet Found My Way

[Mystik]

The clinic called me back this afternoon. She took down basic information (name, age, address, etc) and a brief summary of what I was looking for. She said she would pass the information on to the nurse who would call me to set up an appointment to go in and talk to them to see what program would best fit my needs. Didn't hear back from the nurse today so I am expecting her to call me tomorrow.

The woman did ask about insurance, I told her I was on H's policy and would they let him know I was getting treatment there. She said once I am a patient there he would get an Explanation of Benefits form that would tell him where I was getting treatment, but nothing else. She suggested I call the insurance company and tell them for privacy reasons to not mail H anything regarding my medical care. Going to have to do that tomorrow.

[CityGirl]

Very good update.

Yes, I did the same thing - even though H will have to cover my insurance for the next several years he does not get ANY of my medical info.

You should set up a health care proxy. If you become legally separated or divorced you will need one anyway.

You may consider making arrangements for somebody to care for your son if you do the all day treatment. It will be exhausting and you will need full focus on you. Perhaps your sister can help. I would not tell your son anything and let him think you are just going to work each day. Your son seems to report an awful lot to your H (and to you) so the less he knows, the better.

Stop talking to your H about anything other than your son and his needs NOW (not what he was like when he was a newborn). Your H is just using passive aggressive tactics to flaunt his and OW's newborn in your face.

Mystik - you will look back on this day and soon see you did an AMAZING thing for yourself. For real, this is just the best news I have heard from you since you started posting. From my own experience when I started getting the proper treatment I was scared to death but the sense of relief was nothing short of one of the best feelings I ever had in my life.

[Mystik]

The nurse called me back tonight. I talked to her a bit about my issues and what I'm dealing with, and what sorts of things I'm looking for. So I have an intake appointment next Wednesday at 1. She said they usually have patients start treatment the day after the intake appointment. At the intake they'll determine if I need full day or half day treatment, and what groups I'll participate in. It's mainly group therapy although you do have an individual counselor. She also said they'll go over my meds with me and they can monitor me for side effects if they make any changes to the medications.

RIght now I'm feeling ok, like I don't need extra help. I feel like just talking isn't going to make things better so why waste my time with going. But logically I know I've been in this place before, I know this false sense of security could leave at any time and I'll be back at square one so yes, it is worth the time. And yes, I am scared. Scared that I'll be told I'm as broken as I believe I am. Scared that I'll invest all this time and nothing will change anyway. Scared to death to let go of H.

[Mystik]

I'm feeling incompetent and inept as a parent and as an adult. I know DS deserves better than a mom who cries all the time and a messy home because Mom can't cope with life. I would love to be one of those adults who have it all together. Get up early, make lunches, have smooth mornings, get to work on time, work all day then come home and make a great dinner and spend lots of time with their kid before putting him to bed and having a relaxing evening alone in their neat and cozy living room. That is so not me. I can barely get up in the morning, they are a hectic rushed mess, and when I get home I have no energy or desire to do anything but park myself on the computer after helping DS with his homework. And even that is too much some days. As for bedtime, I go to bed with DS. Haven't done any of DS's homework this week. Was in a bad place Monday and Tuesday, he was with his father last night and now it's tonight and he hasn't had dinner or his bath yet. I don't even know where in this mess that is my living room his homework is.

I can see this image in my head of what I would like to be, but don't believe I could ever achieve it. I'm too disorganized, too out of whack to ever get there. I just don't have the ability to be all pulled together.

[courageous wife]

(((Mystik)))

I am glad that you decided to take this step! It is a step FOR YOU!!! Good for you! I am thankful that City Girl and bluestar are here sharing their like experiences to help you through this!

I think that since taking this step you already sound a little more in control!

You can do this Mystik!!!

[kara]

(((Mystik))))

I am very proud of you! You have taken that little but monumental first step. Don't worry about feeling that you "don't have the ability to be all pulled together". Take it one step at a time. We all have to keep striving upwards. We are all works in progress and therefore may never be exactly "where" we think want to be. Don't be too hard on yourself. Do your best each day and know that you will improve. A lot of us are rooting for you.

[CityGirl]

Please try not to lull yourself into a sense of false security. Each time you get close to taking a new step you decide you feel okay and strong and you don't end up doing it. You are going to do this because you know you need help. It is going to be one of the BEST things you have ever done for yourself.

And you want to know something else? The vision you have for your home and schedule is the first vision I have heard you post that is all about you and your son. I like it! It sounds lovely. So what if you can't achieve all of that right now - the important thing is you have a vision and goal that is all for you. Heck, I will hop on the train to where you live and we'll get your home whipped in to shape in no time!

You will be able to achieve all of that - one step at a time. And your son is certainly old enough to be pitching in with chores. You and your son both deserve a clean, organized and well run home to live in and sooner than later you will have that!

Now look - you are NOT out of whack so lets quit saying that right now. What you are is somebody who has been deeply traumatized and you need some extra help restructuring your life. Um, hello!!!!!!!!!!!! I get it! I lived it!

You are NOT incompetent as a parent or adult. And slowly but surely you will start getting it all together. You should print out the post you made about what you want your home and life to be like and take it with you to treatment. Let it be your own personal road map of goals and aspirations.

I think I told you this before but I will tell it again. One of the most profound moments (days actually) of my life was the day my family showed up to take me (if I did not comply) to the dr. And when my dr. called the psych I overheard her say to him "this is a broken woman who needs immediate treatment". And you know what? She was right. I had an actual nervous breakdown and I assure you I don't say that in jest. Let me tell you... when I get broken I do it right

Never mind your H in all of this. You can deal with him some other time. It doesn't matter if you let go or not because he is going to do what he pleases 'cause he is a special kind of ass in that sense. Right now this is going to be ALL about you.

I am really proud of you. And you are going to be proud of yourself. The best thing about feeling broken is realizing when you are all busted up there is nothing more to do than rebuild. It's going to take time and work but it *will* happen. Please believe me.

[newmama]

Mystik, AWESOME JOB!!!!!! You are getting help, which means you are a competent adult and parent!!!

For what it's worth, I visited my best friend from childhood last night to today and she is one of those supermom/overachievers.

She is Holly Homemaker and also helps with their business, too, among other volunteer commitments. Her house is clean when her kids are not there!

while her children are up and around, their play area and the kitchen are messy! She stays up until 9 or 10 to clean the whole house for the next day. She calls herself "OCD" because she visits other SAHM's houses and their houses are not as tidy as hers. So she realizes it is NOT the norm but so what; she does it anyway. Again, while the kids are up, the house is not clean. She does it after they go to bed and she stays up late and wakes up early.

I tell you this because even in a happily married situation with an overachiever supermom, the house is not all in order. Because she is so busy, she has time with her kids but also plenty of time taking care of other stuff while the kids play, and she is a great mom!

She still has had problems in her marriage but luckily, her H has been willing to work on things...so it is not all "peachy keen" even though it may look like it on the outside.

A good mom takes care of herself, gives her kids attention. If we are giving our kids attention the WHOLE time, we can't be taking care of ourselves. If we can't take care of ourselves, what kind of mood are we in when we interact with kids? It might sound selfish but it is ESSENTIAL. "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

You are being a terrific mom for getting help and your son cares about YOU, not the messy house! (disclaimer: rotting food, wading through garbage, clothes and toys on the floor is not ok.)

[Abbey]

Good Job Mystik!

Just so you know, during the most stressful era of my sitch, I was on double the recommended dose of ADs. As someone else mentioned, don't get caught in that false sense of feeling OK, ... then thinking that you don't need extra help. The idea of feeling ok is so to continue feeling ok. Think of your brain like a gas tank in the car. ... you don't just put in one pint of gas at a time... you fill the tank. You don't get far if you only put in a pint at a time, running out of gas, then have to keep filling it up again.

And even HUGER bravo for reaching to get that next step of help. This is about you now... deal with you... I'm sooooooo proud of you.

*Hugs*
Abs

[Mystik]

Still rather scared and unsure of things. My home is a mess, wading through toys and clean clothes kind of a mess. I do try to keep on top of the dirty dishes and garbage stuff. Hoping to get all that cleaned up tonight or tomorrow, though.

It's stressful, this feeling ok and not knowing how I'll be tomorrow or the day after that.