H and I got married right out of college. We had some problems 5 years ago. After 9 months of counseling we seemed to be in a good place. About 6 months ago H started telling me he was unhappy. I thought it was job-related - he's been actively looking for a new one. He became less interested in doing things with me or the kids, pleading tiredness from work. Our interactions were getting less pleasant - both of us were frustrated and were overly critical of the other.
Oct 9 he announced he wanted a divorce and was moving out. Although he still loves me, he doesn't see any hope that our M would get better. He refused to go to counseling again or entertain the idea of a trial separation. He wants to come to a mutal agreement on our assets and see a lawyer together to file for divorce. I've seen a lawyer to find out my rights; he hasn't. I've seen no signs at all that he's having an affair, and this is a really small town - it would be almost impossible to hide.
After 10 days of alternately pursuing and packing up his stuff, I decided to work on me. I'm keeping busy and attempting to enjoy myself. I've mostly stopped pursuing, and I've made efforts to keep the kitchen clutter-free (a giant pet peeve of his that I finally understand). I made a list for myself of mistakes I made in our relationship and mailed him a copy two weeks ago, asking if we could take a few weeks to refocus and then start dating.
He didn't mention the letter for a week. Then, on Halloween we spent 4 hours at a family event and chatted like the best friends I thought we were. On the way home, he said he appreciated that I wasn't blaming everything on him, but he wanted to move forward with the divorce (although we could meet for lunch every week or so to discuss the kids). That night he came over 45 minutes early?!? to get kids ready for trick-or-treating and stayed until kids went to bed. Then in the space of 30 minutes he went from "Let's not file yet and wait and see what happens" to "I don't think we can break our negative patterns" to "Let's move forward with divorce; I only said we wouldn't so I wouldn't hurt you more."
Saw each other 4 days in a row after that, including a 5-hour stretch on Tue when we took S1 to doctor, and again chatted like best friends. Thur he came over to get some of his stuff and mentioned that I'd taken down the wedding pictures. He asked me not to throw them away as "no matter what happens, that was a really special time."
I've asked a few times for him to give me the passwords to the online household bill accounts so that I can change them to my new bank account. He keeps telling me that he'll take care of the bills out of the joint account and I shouldn't worry. His love language is acts of service, so I wasn't sure if he was trying to take care of me because he cared, or because he felt guilty, or.... He's also tried to do other things for me (offered to put together a toolbox for me when I said I'd go buy tools, then investigated receivers for the tv after I told him the one we had was too complicated for me).
I've noticed that he mirrors my moods. When I'm cheerful and actively engage him, he stays longer and chats more freely. If I'm more subdued (but still nice and polite) and don't make follow-up comments to what he says, then he leaves in a hurry. One the few occasions when we talk on the phone, there's often a long pause and then I'm always the one who says goodbye.
This week I've only seen him twice; both times I was subdued (once, really tired after an early-morning flight, and once upset because dog was going to visit him for first time) and he left quickly. Yesterday he emailed me a list of the bills he had paid this month and an initial attempt at dividing the assets. (This is one week after the "no matter what happens", which I thought meant he was unsure about what was going to happen; no "engaged" interactions since then.) I emailed back that I preferred to discuss the assets in person. He'll be working the night shift for the first time next week, so that will be hard to do.
I had been beginning to think that he was having second thoughts; with the email on the assets that's been blown away. Does he think we'll continue to be best friends after divorce? Is he just falling into the "good" pattern of interaction?
Do I keep engaging him in conversation to let him see that we do have good interactions, or do I back off and let him see what life will be like if we divorce?
I really don't think our problems will be that hard to overcome, especially now that we both understand what they are. It kills me that he's willing to walk away from all the good we have had without making that last effort - he told me I had my chance and didn't recognize it.
_________________________ Me 32, H 32 T - 13 M - 10 H moved out 10/9/2010 D4, S1
