Me: 39 H: 35 M: 17 T: 20 Sep: 8/30/10 over the phone!
Where to begin? I am active duty military currently deployed but am returning home in 30 days. WAW said she wanted to separate and eventually D, coincidentally this happened right after her 35 b-day. We have been T since she was still in high school and have 5 kids. Due to my job we have only seen each other about 40 days out of the last 18 months. I love my W dearly although I guess I haven’t shown it in recent years. She feels we just have a functional, un-passionate relationship and she wants more. Throughout our marriage I have often been gone and she has had the burden of everything. When we were apart after work was done I would go to the bars with the boys and she would be home with the kids. She has resented me for years over it. She asked me to stop but I didn’t because I didn’t see the harm in it. I have only recently been back to sea duty. For the past 4 years I was at a shore assignment and should have been able to be with her every night. I took a second job because financially things were tight and I have always prided myself on being a good provider…what I didn’t realize was that I was losing her the whole time. I would often complain about the house being a mess, or get into arguments with our oldest Son. I just wasn’t a pleasant person to be around. We hardly ever cuddled or talked, I guess the passion in our marriage had gone away. She also caught me looking at porn on the internet so that was another issue.
During our recent time apart she thinks I have cheated on her, which I haven’t. While we were apart, I did have an inappropriate phone call with a girl I knew from high school, but I also told her about it. Since she lives in Florida and I am now stationed in California she said she just wanted an open marriage…so she could do her thing and I could do mine. That she didn’t want to divorce right away due to the kids and financial reasons. When she told me she wanted to separate she signed up for an online dating service and also bought a new cell so she could have internet and text. She has been texting and sending pictures back and forth to several different guys…I know this because it shows up on the phone bill. Since I got the news I have been on an emotional roller coaster, and have probably done everything wrong. I am still in love with my W and I don’t want to lose my family, but I have gone pretty much crazy since she told me. I have pleaded with her in emails and on the phone. I have also been nasty to her in emails and threatened to cut her off financially…mainly because I am paying for the dating site and the cell phone. She has been leaving the kids with MIL so she can go out. Everything she complained about me doing she is now doing. I would love to be able to take her out and do those things together, she never wanted to go to clubs or anything like that in the past. But now that she has decided to leave me, she is doing those very things. I am completely lost and desperate to fix my marriage, but I know I can’t be in a marriage by myself and I don’t know how to convince her that things could be different for us if she would give it another chance. Is it too late?
First of all, thanks for serving your country! Second, have you read Divorce Rememdy and/or DB? That is critical...there is a wealth of good information in there. Next fix you. A M doesn't fall apart because of one person, it takes both. It seems you have idnetified some of your faults, so how are you going to change yourself? Why would your W want to come back to the same man? Or why would she want to come back to someone who is nasty to her? Or why would she want to come back to someone who does unattractive things like begging/pleading?
It is impossible to say if it is too late. What it is not too late for is to learn from life experience and grow from it. It is certainly not too late to try to save your M...but realize this will take a long time. Your W will not initially trust any of your changes are permanent or real.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
From Sandi - here is a great place to start on "what do I do"
Here's a few hints that might help you along the way:
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence. 8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf. 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise. 37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Welcome to divorcebusting.com--officially! Gutwrenching has given you some great advice. You are very articulate in identifying your issues.
I'm very sorry you are in this situation. It's tough, it's painful....but the good news is....it isn't over and it isn't too late.
I'll bet you already know what to do:
1. Stop begging and pleading, come here to vent your pain if you need to. 2. Be kind, be nice.... 3. You are going to need a LOT of patience with her. 4. Fill her cup. Start doing the right things. You are away, but 'date' her.
The downside of this that you will need to be patient for...at FIRST while you are doing this, she will feel she made the 'right' move pulling away. And in a sense, she did, because it woke you up. But you don't want to be reactive to her with this. When you have made a lot of progress, you might need to pull back but this isn't the time.
So...while you don't want to OVER pursue.... you will need to do some. It's a dance, and you can enjoy it.
Some of your clues are in how things went when you first fell in love, when things were good:
Thank you for all of the advice...I have been doing the wrong things since she told me she wanted to separate. I have serious doubts that our marriage can ever be reconciled. I will only have 30 days at home with her and the kids and then I will be going back to California where my ship is based. I guess by being geographically separated as well it will be easier for both of us just to get on with our lives. I will still maintain contact and try to see my children as much as I can, but as for her I believe I will just be out of sight and out of mind.
I am so sorry to hear this. I am new to this forum and to divorce busting advice, but I am old hat at being the wife of an active duty military man who is away from home all the time.
It seems that it would be so hard to stay close when you are gone so much. The first thing I believe you should do is to apologize sincerely for leaving her with the kids not only because of your job, but because you went out with the guys. I now how that feels and it feels like you are unimportant, unloved, not respected, and taken for granted. Multiply that by 100 and you might understand. For me, you couldn't apologize enough.
Here's what I told my husband I needed while he was gone. 1. phone calls just to say hello and that he was thinking of me 2. an email now and then, even though we spoke, it was nice to see something in writing. 3. a thank you now and then for holding up the home while he was serving his country. We don't wear the uniform or go to the ceremonies or get thanked for serving, but we work very hard a keeping a marriage and family together while our husbands do.
Please look to this board for DB advice. This is only my thoughts on the military side of the situation.
I wish you luck and I do hope it is not too late for you. After years of being disregarded, a woman's soul just starts to hurt. Maybe you should let her have some fun and feel pretty and desired and important. I don't know. Sorry anyone if this is bad advice.
