You make your own path as you step...

[optimist]

Hi Mr. Cool. I appreciate your coming out of your cave to give me some great advice... sorely needed as you see...

It sounds like he's really confused about things, and needs to sort them out. I think if he'd already decided he wanted out, he wouldn't be asking you to wait on seeing the attorney. Curious choice of words on the 'boxed in' comment. Any idea what he was referencing?

He used the words 'boxed in' and 'in a box' in at least two separate occassions... I am not sure but I suspect that he feels confined by his choices, not free to do what he wants to... He is very much into what is 'logical' and 'right' to do... He does not usually follow impulses.

It may also refer to feeling pressured and controlled by both sides...

I did not want to press him into elaborating... though perhaps I should have

Understandable. (Well, at least to me.) He's telling you that he's not involved with OW at this point. He's also saying that he can't/won't return to a life like he was living before. He's trying at this point to decide what his best course of action is. It's very important at this point for you to continue showing him that the changes are real. Don't be surprised if he "tests" you at this point.

I am glad you think he is not involved with OW. I have to much baggage and have heard the 'there is no one else, it is me, I am in crisis' thing so often when there was OW all along that I cannot separate truth from fear any more. And I have failed the test big time so far...

Part of the problem of course is that I do not see what right he has to 'test me.' I did not live a lie for 5 years, I did not sleep with OM... I was hurt in the deepest way, and he comes now and tests me to see if I am not going to go back? Where did he get the right?

He wants to be sure he is not going to go back to how things were but refuses to give me some kind of assurance that he is not going back to this W? He has humiliated me in front of his whole home town, but cannot give me some kind of status in front of OW... Welcome to the real world, H, there are no certainties!

The other part is that I am angry, very, very angry... Angry to the point in which I am thinking in earnest to throw in the towel... He wants time? Fine, he can have all the time in the world... He can have the rest of his life if he wants... Just do not waste my time, as he has been doing this 7 months...

It's easy to forget that the WAS is hurting also. He wants to make sure he's not returning to a situation that's going to cause him more pain. It's kind of a self-defense mechanism. When he's debating what he wants to do, it's very important that you keep DB'ing. It's important at this point for him to see that the changes are real.

Oh David, trust me, the changes are real. The question is that maybe the changes will have to be applied to a future R, not this one... Maybe the wound is too deep and too infected and amputation is the only viable alternative...

I know he is hurting, I am very sorry for him. I am keenly aware that he is going to lose much more than I will in this sitch. He has lost me, he has lost our family, he has lost his self-respect, he has lost the office that took him 5 years to build up, the house we had dreamed of for 10 years, he has lost his father and his mother and his grandmother... He is alone alone, by his own choice...

Sometimes, David, we are so afraid of being hurt that we cut ourselves from real human contact... With the certainty of not being hurt again we close ourselves to the possibility of love... and the vulnerability that love can bring...

It may well be too late for him...

Don't read too much into this part. He's identified a problem: he needs space and time to think and sort. He's doing the male thing, and looking for a solution.

Actually I thought it was a very good idea... I had proposed it to him in August because it helped me a lot in the beginnig of this but he chose to go with our D and asked me too...

Did you take his comment to mean that he's selling office to get away from OW? Does "somewhere else" mean another city?

Yes, he is selling the office to get away from OW and he may accept a salaried position in town... he said reagardless of what happens with us...

Sounds to me like he's wondering what's up. He probably doesn't understand why you're putting a time limit on it. He could be thinking you're giving him an ultimatum, a deadline, or that you have other plans that don't include him. Remember that he doesn't know everything that's been going through your mind. He may not understand, and may feel like you're pressuring him. I'd suggest a short note or conversation just letting him know you wanted to explain what you're really trying to say if you don't think it's already clear.

If things cool down I will try to talk to him about it...

Maybe it's a guy thing... a lot of times "home" means "away from work". If he's selling the office, he's probably thinking about getting his personal belongings out of there.

But he is also shifting his IRAs mailing address to the office instead of home... a contradiction of terms, don't you think?

Another good sign. It's showing that he's reaching out to reconnect. He's trying to see if he can be comfortable in the relationship again.

Yes, he had been more relaxed and 'tactile' since that convo... of course now things may change...