Pie's Story - he's comfortable again

[pie]

Thank you Albuquerque...I know. I just feel like the only way to truly move on and forward and concentrate on me is to not see him anymore

The thing is I worry that I'm throwing away all progress if I do that now.

Theres one thing I hate JUST as much as being made a fool, and thats regretting an action that results in such a huge loss that i could have prevented.

Am I crazy?

[pie]

Anyone got a straight jacket?

[Albuquerque]

The thing is I worry that I'm throwing away all progress if I do that now.

I totally get what you're saying here. But don't forget that YOU cannot change or fix HIM. You can only improve you. I'm far from reconciled in my R, but I've found some of the things my H has told me to be very enlightening. He didn't start peeking out of his fog because of anything I DID regarding the R. He was steadily becoming more and more distant and I allowed it. I worked on myself. And he NOTICED. He couldn't help but notice the changes in ME. He said I glowed when he'd see me and that was what really got him to rethink all his previous decisions. I didn't make those changes for him. I made them for me. I wasn't aware I was "glowing". I wasn't even aware he noticed anything. They do. Work on you. What were his complaints about you that you know have some validity. What about yourself do you feel needs work? Tackle those issues head on. Not for him or to save the M. But to make you a better you. That way no matter what happens down the line, you'll STILL be a better you. There's no way to gauge the health of your current R right now since your H himself probably has no idea. By working on yourself, you can never lose. I'm not saying ignore him or go NC if you don't want to. For some, it's needed. For me, my H never LET me go NC since he always seemed to want to be around slightly. Makes detaching harder but it is possible. I know you can do this Pie. No straight jackets needed!

Am I crazy?

As LBS aren't we all

[TAMF]

There are still lots of red flags with the sexy young blonde blue eyed tattooed secretary.

Just last weekend they spent two nights together camping. He said he invited the whole office, but no one else turned up. Do i look like an idiot here?

He swears there is nothing between them, and I have never caught this man in a lie in 12 years...

((Pie))

Pie - my H was the last person in the world who would cheat (almost everyone on this site would say the same I think). He was the one who always told his friends they were crazy and go back to thier wife and kids!

Alb is correct - this is NOT the man you knew and loved. This man is crazy right now, really truly. I hate to say this to you, but 2 nights camping with just the 2 of them. please. It sucks, it is horrible,but it is what it is and only you know how much you can stand.

My boundry was him moving in with the OW. It still is my boundry, I will not be married to a man that is living with someone else. Having sex and emotions with another woman is one thing - having a LIFE with her is totally different. But everyone's boundry is different. you have to decide what yours is.

[angel61]

Pie, you have been at it longer than me, and me myself at times feels like I can't stand it anymore, I want things to happen faster, I want changes I could see. But as the book says, patience in these times is a necessity, not a virtue.

The things our spouses say about the past, I could almost swear it was a script! My husband said once he is an jerk. I almost agreed but of course said "no, you are not!" and also said the same thing about my past faults "had i known, I would have changed, blahblahblah." so don't feel bad about it. I laughed out loud when somebody posted that our spouses act almost like they read from a script "how to do an MLC...WAS or whatever" but I will add, we also seem to be reading (and following) the script " how do rejected spouses, LBs or what not respond....."

If it were not so painful, I would find this whole thing ridiculous. So illogical. How could intelligent, rational human beings be so reactgive? We are no better than the dogs in Pavlov's experiment.

[angel61]

Albuquerque,
Your post inspires me. I always think that he is not noticing. Its hard to tell on a day by day basis. However, loking back at the big picture, I do realize that since I have started DB techniques our situation has somewhat improved.And I have only changed a little, the 180 is easy to say but hard to do! Old habits die hard.
One thing thugh that I have done which seems counter to the DB techniques is that I have become more loving and affectionate. I did it before I read DB, but it was like a 180. In the past, because my main complaint about my H was his lack of affection, I responded by cutting off my affection to him too. Like if you can't give it to me I won't give it to you. But I suddenly realized that he felt unloved by what I did, and so I started being loving and affectionate. At first he was shocked and felt overwhelmed, but when started DB'ing and took it away, it seemed to take away our connection. So ow I have gradually put it back, but to a much lesser degree, and in a way that doesn't demand something back. he seems to be responding positively to it. The good thing is it alsomakes me feel better and more functional at work.
Some people think it is cake eating, but hey, if it seems to work I will give it a try!

[ericmsant2]

PIE,

I know what I'd want in my next relationship, whether its with H or someone new. But I really still love H, and want to try with him. But I'm getting impatient

Knowing and ACTING are two different things.

Impatient – IMO, the inability to accept a loss of control = impatient. If you agree, then accept that you really only control YOU. That means….

YOUR ACTIONS
YOUR WORDS
YOUR CHOICES
YOUR LIFE
YOUR HEART
YOUR MIND
YOUR SOUL

Notice that H is not listed up there ^^^

But I still felt a connection to him, and wanted to know if he felt the same

What does LOVE mean to YOU?

Can you love HIM even when right now he cannot show you he loves you?

Is love one sided?

Can you love someone yet not be M to them?

Answer these questions for YOURSELF.

But, I have this horrible gut feeling he's still 'testing out' other relationships.

“feelings”…..they are funny. One day you “feel” this way, then one day you “feel” that way.

PIE – feelings change.

And that makes me feel like a fool.

Hmmm…..interesting, this comes across as PRIDE. Which in and of itself is not a bad thing; however, it can come back and bite us in the as* if not “checked”.

Let me ask you a question – My W, the women who I love dearly, who may be f*cking her supervisor right now….does my CHOICE to give her the space she needs to figure her chit out make me a fool? My macho male ego would say YES. My heart and my soul say NO.

Your only a fool if IMO, YOU Live your LIFE worried about what everyone else says and thinks.

And thats one thing I will not tolerate. I have made that very clear

I agree that boundaries are very good. And FTR, I’m not one to suggest intimate relations while OP is involved. I’m not judging just my opinion so I would say stick to your boundaries.

means to me he maybe thinks it ok to do that even while starting a new with me.

And your position on this is…..

There are still lots of red flags with the sexy young blonde blue eyed tattooed secretary

Hey I have a tattoe <insert smile>
Seriously, stop worrying about what he is doing and keep the focus on what you are doing.

Alb said….I wouldn't recommend snooping or anything like that, but you might want to mentally prepare yourself for that possibility because it is very real. Most MLCers get an OP at some point. What you do at that point is your choice, but I would be very on guard if I were you. Hate to sound so negative, but when it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck.....

Ayep –

Question will be PIE, what will you do if you confirm your suspicions? Act out in anger OR keep the focus on you, heal and THEN decide what you want to do.

I just feel like the only way to truly move on and forward and concentrate on me is to not see him anymore

Depends what move on and forward mean to YOU.

PIE, you should ALWAYS concentrate on YOU. Married or NOT. That my friend should be the lesson you take from this. That YOU should always strive to be the best YOU can be. NOT for YOUR H – FOR YOU.

Theres one thing I hate JUST as much as being made a fool, and thats regretting an action that results in such a huge loss that i could have prevented.

Know what I USED to HATE……

NOT HAVING CONTROL OF EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE

Know what I hate now?

ALLOWING OTHER THINGS, PEOPLE, ACTIONS that I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER ME, make me FEEL a certain way that I do not want to feel.

You control YOU PIE

Regret?

Interesting word.

Do you regret what you are doing? If so, then maybe you need to consider why you are doing what you are doing.

DO FOR YOU PIE –

Make this about YOU and trust me….you’ll have no regrets!

God Bless,
Eric

[pie]

Hi Eric. Wow. You have given me lots to think about...lots of homework to do

I admit that I'm probably not in the perfect place mentally strength-wise.

I am still letting his actions effect me, and I know thats wrong

I wish I had read this an hour ago

I reached my limit. And needed to 'find my slot'

I was not as strong as you in letting him test out other people, while I sit and wait and see and work on me.

I have worked on me, but the part of me that is now bursting to love and be loved is rearing its head...its probably not healthy.

I should probably be ok to not be in a relationship and be by myself, but I feel like I've been like that for 2 years already.

I'm just ready to DO something.

And I did

I sent him an email in response to his email in which he said : "if I want to try again we should talk about it even though I don't know if it will help" and "even though the thought of the future terrifies me, I am open to talk about what starting again means to you"....

So I said :

I'd like to talk about trying/again starting over...slowly...

I have always thought we've had something special, buried underneath all our mistakes. You are still special to me. And I don't want to throw away something that doesnt come by often in a lifetime.

We would both be taking a risk here, but I'd rather risk than regret forever.

Would you like to?

He responded straight away..

Can I think about it, its not a simple yes.


--------

Ok everyone, you can all shout and scream at me now, but I'm just tired of Dbing, and decided to do what my heart told me to...

Its been a long time since I let me heart take control, so I feel better for it.

Even though i know it could mean the end

I need to let go, and thats what i need for me to let go. Is for him to tell me to. Is that pathetic?

I have learned that i am stronger than i thought. I've learned about burying resentment, I've learned to be understanding. I've come a long way.

But now I'm just rearing to go....whats wrong with me?

[pie]

I just can't be friends AND detach at the same time. And the more friendly we be together, the more hard for me it was to not be effected by the thought of OW.

So in order for me to truly detach, I need to be not friends..thats me. I dont know how you all do it....

[pie]

I don't even know HOW you start again....how do you do that?

I feel like I'm a child amongst adults here