Ive been married to my W for 6 years. We met in college and were inseperable from the start. We have a 2 and 1/2 year old son who we both adore. 2 weeks ago, my wife went out with one of her girlfriends for a "girls nite" and came home at 430am. She even texted me while she was out saying that she loved me, etc. Everything was normal as it had been and I was glad she got a night out. Well, early the next week she just started acting cold all of a sudden. There was no fight, major disagreements, or anything like that. That went on for a few nights until I asked what was bothering her. She just said that she doesn't feel like she's in love with me anymore, doesn't know if she had any more emotion left to try, and holds major resentment toward me for things in our distant past. She said she didn't know what she wanted to do but said things would be so much easier if we didn't have our son, a house, etc. Needless to say, I was completely devastated and caught off guard.
We were both calm during that conversation and I just listened to everything she was saying. One of the major issues that came out was the resentment she held for the time I was on worker's compensation. I was injured on the job as a police officer and had back surgery and was off work for approx 4 years. I am fully recovered now but was unable to do much of the caregiving for our son during his first year. I told my W of my reservations about having a child during my injury but she assured me at the time that whatever I could contribute would be just fine. I did my best but there is only so much that I could do physically. She was not very supportive to me during my injury and I could often see the resentment in her face. I felt bad enough as it was and really felt like a burden to her during that time.
Like many couples, we've put the needs of our son before our marriage and didn't spend enough time working on our M during the last few years. We've had communication issues throughout and we have a cyclical argument about every year about the same things. When I ask her what is bothering her during those arguments, it usually comes down to her having to take care of our son all the time. Granted, I do the majority of the housework, bills, etc and always offer to change up resposibilities. Anyway, I am very involved with our son and still contribute more after those arguments but it never seems to be enough.
Fast forward to my current situation. After our talk a few weeks ago, she has continued to be indifferent toward me. My FIL came into town for a 5 hour dinner with her and I'm sure he got in her ear. He wants a divorce from my MIL and is very vocal about making himself happy, etc. Since then, she continued to act distant and cold during the week. I finally called her on my way into work a few days ago and asked her if something changed over the week. She said nothing has changed and she "needed her space." She wants to be separated and just doesn't see any chance of us working. She said she was going to get individual counseling to work on "not having anger and resentment toward me for the rest of her life." She asked me how I felt and I told her that I still love her and respect her and think we can work things out. Thats about all I said about my feelings on the situation.
She then started to talk about our son and how we were definitely going to have 50/50 custody. She started talking about our financial situation and I told her I needed time to process before having those talks.
We are about $120,000 under water on our mortgage and there is no way one of us can move out. On top of that, I am in the middle of a background investigation for a gov't security clearance (my dream job). She said she did not want to do anything to jeopardize my job stuff and was fine living in the house with me while we figured things out financially. I told her foreclosure and bankruptcy were not options for me and she agreed. We are currently living in the same house, sep rooms of course.
On saturday, she went out again with the same girl friends from work. She went to their house and stayed out all night drinking there. She came home at 630am, woke everyone up when she came in, and just went into the bedroom and passed out. I got up with our son and started the day early. When I woke her up so I could go to church on Sunday, she was complaining about "getting sick" the night before but got up to watch our boy. When I got home from church, she was putting our son to bed early. He was still crying and sitting up in his bed when she just went back to sleep for another 4 hours. She didn't say much to me at all when she came downstairs later that day.
In addition to what I was already doing with our son, I told her I wanted to do everything for him (all baths, diapers, etc). I told her I know I cant do anything about his first year but I wanted to make up for it over the next 15 years. During both of our serious conversations, she told me that she "noticed changes and appreciated them" but it was almost "too little, too late." I have remained upbeat, not bring up any relationship issues, and respond positively to any conversations she has with me. I seem to feel better about myself and my situation. Ive also done a few 180's with church, hobbies, and overall mood. I know she notices but hasnt said anything else to me about it.
We have pleasant conversations about our son mostly but nothing serious (which is fine with me right now). She spends most of her time working out and not eating much at all. This week, she started going into work an hour early and coming home a half hour late. She has not been interested at all in spending time with our son. She has been more interested in dressing up for work and looking good (just like her friends from work do). She missed our son's flu shot this week so she could go get a new cell phone instead. She is leaving for the entire upcoming weekend to visit a friend in West VA. I am actually looking forward to the calmness at home and some more quality time with our boy.
I am almost positive there isn't an OM involved although her recent behavior is odd. It just seems like she is really unhappy (duh) and wants to escape from me and motherhood. On a side note, and im not sure if related, but she did have issues with depression in college. She simply saw a counselor for awhile and that was that. We had a miscarriage at 12wks back in august of this year. She didnt seem to grieve much during that time. It just seems like a flag to me since it is so close in time and we didnt have any major disagreements during the last few months.
She has yet to start seeing a counselor but has gotten pre-authorization from my insurance. I did ask her if she thought all of her unhappiness was because of our relationship and she said, "no, that's why I am going to see someone for myself."
Im just really confused right now. I am obviously preparing for the worst and taking care of myself (as best I can). Im just not sure how to handle this in-house separation long term. I am just giving her space and spending time in my room our playing with our son. She still talks to me and sounds excited sometimes talking about her phone, our son, etc. Im just lost right now. I have plans to see an old friend for dinner on the 20th and will be going out of state for the Thanksgiving holiday by myself. We usuallly spend that time with her parents (just like every holiday) and there is no way I want to be there right now. She understands.
Any help or words of advice would be appreciated. I know many of you have been in my position before. Just reading through the forums has helped me over the last week or so. Im glad I stumbled in here during my endless google search for answers, haha. Thanks for letting me vent!
