So..........my H is buying a house.

[handlingplanb]

I changed the name of my post today. I do hope my H finds peace and happiness. I do still love him with all my heart, and I want this for him.

With this, I also want peace for myself. I need to find peace for ME. This has been a VERY long journey for me with many false starts and stops, but I am sensing a shift within myself and think I can now move forward with ME.

I am not ready to get his divorce for him. I know it is what he wants - and he wants me to D him, but it's still not something I can do.

I have a lot of work to do. Time to get to it.

[ericmsant2]

Handling,

I may be a bit bias here……

I am currently struggling with his continued
efforts to make plans with the kids after school

without telling me. I find out from D17 when
plans have been made. We shared some texts yesterday that were pretty charged. I tried only
to stress that he needs to contact me. Even
though I work until 4:30, the kids's after school
schedules are my responsibility.

Okay you are struggling because YOU are making the kids after school schedule YOUR responsibility – right?

1) Why can’t the responsibility be shared?
2) Why not set a schedule with him and stick to it? For example “dear batchit crazy H, I have been thinking and I agree that the children NEED their father in their life, so let’s agree on a schedule that works for both of us. I propose, you have responsibility for the kids on X, Y and Z days. Does that work for you?”


The way I see it, the kids are his responsibility too. What I also see (and maybe I am wrong) is that part of your issues is the result of some of that pent up anger.

Is this controlling? IMO, if the kids are not in danger then yes it is. Separate the M relationship from the R your H will have with the kids.

Need some more motivation? Look at the time that you will not have the kids as time for YOU handling. Some time for you to go out and enjoy your life. You may find that the lawn, the dogs and everything else you try to balance become a lot less important to you. Why? Cause you’ll be out living your life.

I think as a parent I need to know the plans

As a ”co” parent you will dictate the kids schedule when they are with you. Yes, you should be informed of their schedule for school, etc but really you do not need to know everything they are doing with their dad.

Eric, that's first on my list for Tuesday

It’s Thursday – did you open the book yet?

I have a lot of work to do before I even know what to put on my list of what I want.

Sorry I’m calling bullchit on this ^^^^

You will have work to do until you drop dead! The work does not change that right now, you should have dreams for your life – can the dreams change? Yes. However, you have some right now – deep inside you are those dreams. Stop looking at your H and start looking inside and focusing ONLY on YOU.

I have a lot of work to do. Time to get to it.

ACTIONS speak louder than words for both the MLCer AND the LBSer – stop saying you have a lot of work to do and just do it!

That work should be….

Living – day by day, second by second.

Living for YOU!

God Bless,
Eric

[handlingplanb]

Eric - I have separated the death of my marriage from the R my H has with our kids. I had to do that a long time ago. He gets the kids every Monday and Tuesday night and every other Friday and Saturday. When this schedule was set up, it was agreed that the kids were my responsibility until they go to him at 6. For a lot of reasons I want/need to keep it that way. This also insures that I get to see them daily (even if just for an hour). That is not something I'm prepared to give up, and don't plan to - no matter what I find that I do for me.

What I have issue with is that H will text D17 and arrange plans with D13 - rather than contacting me. D17 doesn't and shouldn't be put in the middle. I've asked repeatedly that he just text me and ask about D13's plans - D17 doesn't know what D13's schedule is anyway. I have never said no if he asks me - doesn't matter if it's my night or his night - if he asks, I've always said it's ok if D13 didn't already have plans. I try not to get in to too much detail. Yes, I still have anger over the fact that we have to schedule time with our kids - I have anger over the fact that they have been forced in to this situation. Is it controlling to expect him to contact me to schedule extra time with the kids, rather than D17? It does make me angry that he continues to put D17 in the middle. Despite the anger over the situation I have not EVER tried to limit my H's time with the kids and have agreed to THIS schedule that he proposed.

Despite this schedule that has been in effect for over 2 years, my H still schedules depositions and out of town trips that involve his nights from time to time, and I get them on those nights (next Monday for example). I always offer to switch a night - so he doesn't feel like he is missing out. He has never taken me up on it.

I've read several chapters in the book. A lot of it is spot on, and I will put a bigger dent in it this weekend.

May be bullchit - but I guess that's who I am - a 45 year old that doesn't know where to start - but I am working on it.

I did have drinks with my friends last Thursday, and am going to do my best to schedule another outing on Tuesday. Unfortunately, as busy as my life is, I do ENJOY doing nothing (something my H found boring - but I don't care), and am finding doing nothing by myself is not as horrible as it was in the beginning.

I do live day by day, minute by minute. I DO live without thinking of my H most of the time - some days he gets only a fleeting moment in my head - and that is a HUGE improvement from the beginning of this.

I am working on it......had to type it.......can't show it here. I am slowly working on myself......I am losing weight I need to lose. I'm going to have some cosmetic dentistry over TG break - got that all scheduled last week. I've started thinking of my financial future and am working on getting my own credit card - got my first denial (which is like a slap in the face given what I helped build - and the credit that WE have and that I have ALWAYS paid the bills), but I will forge ahead and have a sister that can help.

I do still have a lot of work to do....and I am doing it, on my own slow schedule, but I'll get there. This is something I know now.