Pat yourself on the back for deleting all those emails. I know it's hard but how wonderful you'll no longer see or have to look for them. When I was going through stuff, I came across a small notebook we'd taken on our honeymoon. He'd written me a little note saying how much he loved me.. etc. I think I held onto it.. for the kids, of course (more like me).. as a way of desperately validating that it had been real.
Of course it was real. But my reality is much different now. Not something I would have willingly chosen even though life is calmer, more serene without the stress of a marriage on boulders falling down the cliff which I rationalized was a rough patch but normal. Yes.. I wanted it to work. But now I know what 'work' is.
It's like I'm looking forward now. When I was in the play this fall, one guy, about 5 or 10 years older than me liked me. He's married so I was quite direct in what I felt was appropriate and more or less had a guillotine attitude toward anything untoward.
I met his wife.. and when we were talking she told how she'd blown him off in college until he'd done this incredibly sweet sensitive thing. She said somewhat dismissively.. "He's weird." My first thought was oh my goodness. Never feel you're better than your spouse and/or put them down in front of others. I think that's how things start to turn.
It was a sudden flash.. and I'm not looking nor do I want anything from or with him. But a light went off.
Keep doing what's getting you in a better place. Self care is your best friend. Feeling all those emotions is tough, working through them is great. Keeping seeing folks who are supportive, who can listen. I found seeing an excellent counselor helped immensely in processing all this fun stuff.
And I still going through it.. just not as much. And I backslide when I have to deal with him.. but each time less so. And I'm the one who makes my own misery, not him. He's just trying to check off something from a past life he wants nothing to do with.
