Here we go again!

[bethann]

Ok, so I'm back. My H walked out on me and our five children back in December of 2003. He told me it was over and that he was never coming back. He said some pretty horrible things and I was completely devastated! I didn't know what to do, but I bought Michelle's book and saw this online community. The long and short of it is that after using the 7 steps, my H and I got back together. It was hard -- I learned that he had actually left me for someone else and had had ongoing affairs for the entire 10 years of our marriage. We went to counselling and tried to turn things around. It appeared to work for awhile, but slowly and surely, things began going downhill again. If I'm really honest with myself I know that part of the problem was that I never really forgave him for the affairs. In April, my mother walked in on him in my house with another woman. He moved out in August and currently has a new girlfriend. Not even the original woman from April - she had a husband and children herself. I'm not really sure why, because my head says that this is for the best, but the truth is I love him. I need him to be a better man and I need him in my life. It's taken me this long to actually admit it. From April to now, I was simply angry and bitter. Alot of really hurtful things have been said by both of us. I really believed that I just wanted to hurt him like he hurt me, and we are not even speaking to each other any man. My children are older now and the oldest two, 16 and 15 can't stand him. They want nothing to do with him. He has made it abundantly clear that he is NOT coming back this time. "This is over!!" I feel like a complete doormat, but I love this man and want to grow old with him -- but not the way he is -- and I'm not really sure that he can change, I mean I tried again already and all he really proved is that cheaters never change. I'm just looking for someonw to tell me they've been in the same situation and their S changed and things got better. I'm almost ready to try the divorce remedy again, but I need some hope that 1) he will change and 2) he will actually come back again. I need some help.