Today I had a session with my IC. I think it came at just the right time. I explained how I was struggling with forgiving myself and kept coming back to it. She was most helpful in pointing out why I keep doing that... I want to avoid this ever happening to me in the future. I want to avoid another relationship like this. I don't want to live status quo or be someone's roommate. I want more from my relationship. I am so terrified that I don't have the power to change myself and this will happen again.
Her reassurance that I have and will continue to change myself was there just when I needed it. She is right, I have come a long way from the person who first entered her office saying 'it was all my fault'. I know now how very untrue that was and how I was selling myself short. My self-esteem had taken a real hit in the last 3 years.
She taught me to be kinder to myself. It is ok to circle back and have these feelings but she gently reminded me that the reason I do that is to protect myself from never letting this happen again... And I do this because of the big 'C' of course: control. I think after not hearing from him or his L after our response of putting this off until Jan, I felt another loss of control and a relapse.
I can control me. I can not control him.
I journal this now so that I can come back and read it again and again. I also document it because perhaps others are struggling with this and her words will ring true for them too.
I suspect there are many on this board like me that need to be kinder to themselves.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
