Hi Hon - don't really know what to tell you - you are there, not me, but I have suspected all along that things were continuing with the OW - what man in his right mind would keep ex-OW around as an employee? Think - what worked for you before to draw H away from the OW? Whatever it was, I think you need to repeat it. I hope it was withdrawing, because I do think a LRT is in order - but you have to be ready to take that risk. Also, you may want to hold off on forcing ANY step until you have an opportunity to go snooping through the financials- I suspect you may find money hidden who knows where - maybe an attorney can help you with this. I think you need to protect yourself financially.
Now, maybe he's just a conflict-avoiding wormboy and nothing's going on. What would your approach be if you KNEW he and OW were completely through? What would your appraoch be if they were still carrying on an affair? If the approaches would be completely different - then you may need more information. I know DB says not to snoop - mostly because it gets you so worked up you can't DB properly - but this may be an occasion where hiring a P.I. could settle things once and for all as far as your doubts go.
So maybe you should stall for time until you figure out what's really going on? If it's innocent, you don't want to push him out of the house - might be pushing him right into OW's arms. If the affair is ongoing - a dose of reality therapy may be what's called for, especially since he still seems ambivalent.
Like others here, I have stared down that dark, dank pit and felt that I simply could not go on. It is undoubtedly a wretched place to be.
T2's quote:
Quote: He's like that deer in the headlights stuck in the middle of the road as the 18 wheeler comes bearing down on him at 60 MPH. He knows he needs to run to one side of the road or the other but his FEAR of not making it safely across keeps him frozen in place. > YOUR H is afraid of what's on the other side of YOUR road.
I think there is validity in those statements My own experience seems to bear that out.
You are a stellar DBer and have extended your self with much grace. Perhaps it is time to do nothing until the fog lifts enough so that you can see with some measure of clarity - your own pathway?
You are getting such good thinking points, I don't know where to chime in. As you told me a few months ago, separation isn't all that bad, a good time-out to think and get yourself back in order. Though, doing nothing can also give you time to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Whatever you decide, I'm thinking about you and wishing you the best.
Good morning everybody, here is another long post...
Well, we had our talk, in two parts. It felt kind of weird, maybe because we were sitting inside my car, side by side and not facing each other... I do not know.
He still wants the separation. He says that he does not know what he wants, that he feels 'boxed in', that he needs time and space to think. He asked me not to go to the lawyer or ask for a court date until then. He wanted 2-3 weeks to go away somewhere and think, decide what he really wants... He admitted he did not know if he wanted to stay married for me or for our D (and has the same doubts about me).
I asked him point blank if he had restarted his A with OW and he said no. He says that if he wanted to be with her, he'd had left and let me go on with the D.
He said he was scared of coming back and finding me again in the same mental mess I was in when I first discovered the A in May (duh). And that he feared returning and finding an attorney's letter with TRO.
He cried, I cried, the usual thing... I tried to be supportive and validating, but at several points I had to firmly and politely ask him to listen to me and let me finish what I was saying. He kept getting ahead of me, interrupting me and saying that he knew what I wanted to say... Not very like him.
He asked me to go to my folks for Xmas, for 2-3 weeks so that he could stay and think, but if I did not want to go, then he wanted to spend Xmas with us. He will find someone to cover for him and close his office for 2 weeks then take off... he did not say where and I did not ask...
He says he wants this fixed before the end of January. He has put up his office for sale and intends to close it and take up a job somewhere else.
I told him that I'd prefer to have his intentions settled before Jan 15. He kept asking very forcefully why and I told him because that way I will know whether to ask the attorney to set a court date or whether to ask for the rest of my retainer back. That left him a bit stiff, and he answered roughly 'do whatever you want'.
He offered to leave immediately if I felt uncomfortable having him around until Xmas, but I said he could stay. Then he went to get chickenwings for our dinner...
After dinner, I asked him if what he feared is to come back and find himself divorced, and he said yes. So I told him that my fear was that he'd take OW in a 2 week trip and I'd find that they had cleaned the bank... So I firmly but lovingly asked him to change the accounts back and put them in my name and go to the CPA with me before he left. He agreed immediately, but then added 'see, for you it is always about the money.' Quite an unfair assessment that I did not question. I just said 'no. It is not a question of money. I want to send a message to OW, just in case...'
So we went to sleep and he hugged me all night. He woke up late and fixed breakfast in a really good mood. He brought up the change of address himself and said he'd send a letter. I told him he could call and he said tonight. I did not say anything and a bit later he did call, was still calling when I left...
I gave him a framed picture of the 3 of us to take to his office, but he said he is bringing things home, not taking them there. I did not point out the contradiction in his statement...
And he proposed we go to the movies tonight...
Does anyone understand this man?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Your H is obviously confused and uncertain. No degree required to see that - right?
Confusion and uncertainty within our spouses can be a yolk around our necks. But in situations such as ours, (more specifically yours right now) confusion and uncertainty is a good sign.
It sounds as though your H is deeply bonded to you and D and all that irreplaceable history that you share.
There are pollutants of some sort in his psyche and it is causing him a load of distress. Causing you a load of distress as well.
My thoughts about your situation right now point to "loving detachment" as the most logical direction to take.
He woke up late and fixed breakfast in a really good mood. He brought up the change of address himself and said he'd send a letter. I told him he could call and he said tonight. I did not say anything and a bit later he did call, was still calling when I left... 
