Sol--We did MC after the first one night stand in Idaho. But all he wanted to talk about at counseling was whether he should quit his job and we should move back to St. Louis with his old company, which we did.

Then after affair #1, we did about 4 sessions of MC. He basically said, "It's over lets move on" and in fact was lying to me and to the MC because he was still cheating then. And a few weeks later when I gave the ultimatum that Nathan and I were moving home to Iowa and leaving him in Wichita, he did a 180, cut off contact, full transparency, everything you could want on that end. Except he refused to go to MC saying he 'didn't know why he did it' so there was nothing to talk about. I was so glad he ended the A that I let it go....shame on me.

Finally after affair #2 we were doing MC in Kansas City but again he was still in contact w/ow the whole time and lying about it, so it was ineffective. When he finally got serious and stopped the A he was jaded that counseling "didn't work, it never helped us before". Um, nope, not if you lie to me, yourself, and the counselor!!! crazy He did agree to Retro, so we went and that should have told me everything. There is a pivotal exercise at the end where you write your spouse a letter tellng them how you see the 'real them' and if you can accept them and love them as they are.

Dan cried bc mine was so spot-on of him, his demons, resentments, etc. And I said I could accept him. Then he read his letter to me. He had me pretty close to right, but then said he 'didn't know' if he could accept me, didn't know 'how' to accept me... frown We did all the follow ups until the final one which was supposed to be recommitting to the marriage. He said he could not do it. frown

Me-35

Together: 18 yrs
M-12.5 yrs
S-8
D-4
D'd: Feb. 2010

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save. --Zeph. 3:17