In a nutshell since Saturday when i found out that she was going out i had left the house to calm down, this was Halloween for our town and she said i was punishing the kids for her actions, i told her this is how holidays will be when were divorced and she said we can be mature about the holidays and both be there even if we are divorced. I did come home and we did argue and it did happen in front of the kids, i even told my kids we are going to be a different family and aksed my daughter if she knew what her mom had been doing the past three months (Very wrong of Me). I did tell my wife that night i would file on Monday. Sunday morning she tells me she is sorry, starts crying is all huggy with me that day.
Monday i ask her if she is willing to work on the marriage, she says i have been for a year and i hurt her deeply how i spoke in front of the kids. I told her her behavior was not acceptable and i would no longer accept it, she told me she is not going out to the bar anymore, but not sure if that will fix anything between us, she said it caused to many problems by her going to the bar and she was better than that.
I also asked her if she is willing to talk to someone again and she does not want to, asked her if she is going to be transparent with her phone and FB and she said she does not want me looking at her stuff all the time and making comments about it, cannot remember exactly what was said. I really believe she is not willing to do this because she thinks i will have gained control of her and got what i want.
I did tell her i had contacted a lawyer and she seemed suprised and wanted to know why.
I do not think there was any PA between her and this other guy, just someone for her to talk to and swap how bad their partners had been to them.
Since I posted this and my wife said she was not going out to the bar she went to a birthday party that she said she was going to stop by, i did all the wrong things like ask her about her wedding ring, ask her if there was someone else etc. So she comes home at 2:00am smashed throwing up, of course i texted her and she would not respond, so i have to leave work and take the kids to the school.
Saturday i confront her about having an affair and told her i was seeing a lawyer on Tuesday, of course we did the blame game back and forth.
She left with the kids Saturday to go to her Dads house, tells me an hour before she leaves her plans and that i could come Monday for her Grandmothers funeral, when she was leaving i kicked the car but not hard enough to put a dent in it.
I show up at a community center Monday and i went to my kids and my wife was with her family on the other side of the building, she came to where i was and did not say anything, when we were at home she said i was not there for her and it hurt her i would not even come up to her by her family, i told her i was ashamed and did not think she wanted me there, she said after today were done.
So Tuesday i told asked if she had been texting the guy, etc. Asked her if she was going to commit to the marriage and she said i am not giving you my passwords, that she does not want the life she had before, she is doing things for herself and not worrying about everyone else. I told her she was destroying two little kids
She wanted me to go to the lawyer and see what he had to say, i told her i said i was going to file. When i got done i texted her asking her ( no time to think about it ) she responds back saying i guess i can. I did not tell her if i had or had not filed.
That night she said she had a work dinner, i text her about something and she said it was cancelled and she was eating with some of the people that were suppose to go, i ask her when she would be home and she said 8:30pm, pursued her to come home, please. I stopped texting her at 9:00pm, then around 11:15pm i text her again and she shows up around 11:30pm. I ask her why she would not respond, where she was, who was there.
What is her thinking, does she really want the divorce? I cannot confirm an EA or PA
The more you keep texting her and badgering her and please please pleasing her, the more irritated and withdrawn she will be from you. You need to look at this from her persepective. She KNOWS she is doing the wrong things, but she 1) doesn't care, and 2) knows she's in huge trouble with you. Think of it this way, during the course of your life, have you ever avoided someone who you knew you were going to get a scolding from, or was going to make you feel guilty about something? i.e., could've been your parents when you were a kid, could've been a friend who you didn't treat well, could've been another dude who wanted to be your friend but you just didn't want to be his...yet he wouldn't go away, could've even been a member of the opposite sex who liked you a little too much and you might not have liked, but she kept pursuing you to the point where it made you uncomfortable? We've all had at least a situation or two like this, where we as human beings know we're in for a lecture or a guilt trip and just don't want to deal with it.
She's avoiding you. For right now, just focus on a smaller picture, which is this. Would you want to face your wrath right now? Would you want to come home to your pleading right now if you were her? Would you want to have to explain yourself to you right now if you were her? I doubt you would.
That's not to say in an ideal world she doesn't owe you a lot more than this as your wife. But it's like trying to collect a debt from a person who has no money, you are simply NOT going to get what you want and need from her. She doesn't feel she owes you anything right now and just wants to be left alone to do her own thing. She is an adult, and you cannot stop her. Guilting her by saying she's ruining the kids lives will not stop her, it will only make her feel like everything is a lost cause already. She may be feeling like what's the use, I've already screwed up my marriage, why not keep going out and getting drunk and seeing these people, very possibly OM, etc.
You have to back off. You're expecting her to somehow radically chnage her mind and turn around from the path she's headed down. She's not going to if you don't. She may very well not if you DO, either, but this is a surefire way to repel her even more.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
So Tuesday i told asked if she had been texting the guy, etc. Asked her if she was going to commit to the marriage and she said i am not giving you my passwords, that she does not want the life she had before, she is doing things for herself and not worrying about everyone else. I told her she was destroying two little kids
She wanted me to go to the lawyer and see what he had to say, i told her i said i was going to file. What is her thinking, does she really want the divorce? I cannot confirm an EA or PA
Double, she is having an affair. I am 99% sure of it.
What is the back story on "the guy" she is texting?
Friends in College, lives thirteen hours away but has family here. Never herd of him before. He was going through a divorce Sent him an email so stop talking to my wife and he was ruining a family. He was here for a holiday. Saw him at a resturant and confronted him, said he was not a home wrecker and they were just friends
