It's NOT so much what you have 'not done'...it is what HE has NOT DONE.
It's easy for me to stand here looking over the fence at your relationship, seeing ONLY what's been made public and not what's gone on/or goes on in the privacy of your relationship, for me to say that YOU have come much further in the reconciliation process than your H has.
Because you have grown so much, and because you have learned so much YOU have the benefit of seeing the road ahead of you and where you need to go and what you need to do to ultimately get your M back to a safe and loving place. YOUR H on the other hand is still blinded by the bright lights of having been "found out." He's like that deer in the headlights stuck in the middle of the road as the 18 wheeler comes bearing down on him at 60 MPH. He knows he needs to run to one side of the road or the other but his FEAR of not making it safely across keeps him frozen in place.
YOUR H is afraid of what's on the other side of YOUR road. HE knows the jig is up, so to speak. HE knows that YOU will NEVER be able to look at him the same way you once did. HE knows that he's failed as a H and father to his daughter (with respect to his personal code of ethics and character) YOU are the mirror of his failures and his reflection in that mirror IS NOT a pretty sight...especially to HIM.
Like him, the OW wears the same despicalble branding as a less than moral person. SHE doesn't have ANY RIGHT to judge him, she can't because she is just as tainted as he is....so HER side of the road feels safer to him right now. There's no one on HER side to tell him he's failed as a man, because she helped HIM to fail. She's NOT a mirror he has to look into, she's a reflection of who he's become.
YOU only need to stand back and let life happen. GOD knows that saying something that simplistic is almost obsurd, but it's the painful truth. WE CAN'T make them love us, WE CAN'T make them wake up...WE CAN'T do anything to alter the course of THIER lives....ONLY our own.
When you see your H, kiss him long and hard (if only on the cheek) hug him with all your heart and wish him well, then let him go. Let him go with love, let him go in peace and GOD willing, he'll be back...on his OWN, when he DOES realize that what he has with YOU and his DD is what life DOES really intend for him. T2
Quote: When you see your H, kiss him long and hard (if only on the cheek) hug him with all your heart and wish him well, then let him go. Let him go with love, let him go in peace and GOD willing, he'll be back...on his OWN, when he DOES realize that what he has with YOU and his DD is what life DOES really intend for him.
Thanks Jan, that is what I've intended to do... let him go and work on my own healing.
And I do think you hit the nail on the head as to his frame of mind. I am so sorry for him... I know I will thrive in the end. Him, I doubt whether he'll ever let himself be happy...
In any case, as you put in your post to Pam...
Quote: HE knows what I need from him information wise, HE knows what I want in order to feel 'safe' with him to begin trusting him again. HE will either choose to hand me those things on his own, in the not so distant future, or he will find that I have healed well enough on my OWN to no longer need his input or reassurances...or HIM.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
PEACE FOR AND WITHIN OURSELVES...is the ultimate place we need to find ourselves in....that allows us to let the world spin around us without it affecting us personally.
