I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

Wii, I read all the responses and I consider them all. When I don't respond to them it isn't because I've disregarded them it's because I'm thinking.

I feel I am getting down to business -- but my brain definitely is wandering. Instead of pouring the stuff out to a counselor or -- worse to STBXW who just viewed me as a doormat -- I do it on here. I treat this as my journal. Perhaps I post too much.

I definitely know I have a ways to go. I go back and read the situation and I realize I'm all over the board on stuff.

Funny, you mention the sign. I haven't backslid on that since. I no longer snoop. Her life is her life and, for the most part, I've accepted that. I've stopped spending myself into oblivion. The interactions I do have with STBXW are to the point.

Counseling? Well, I paid for sessions with Dottie on DB last year and she's great, but every time I opened myself up STBXW just swatted me away. At some point, I decided I need to build some self-esteem and stop allowing her to hurt me.

I had six counseling sessions with someone through the Employee Assistance Program. I thought I'd make some great breakthroughs, but really I just got things off my chest -- which is what I do here anyway. I may go back and do a few more once the D is final.

I think there are a few things hitting me. Now that the move is over -- I am settled. This is my life for a few years. I was so busy the weeks leading up to it that there wasn't much time to think.

The D is looming ever larger. For a long stretch there in September and October it wasn't really on my mind.

And when you really, really, really get down to it. I don't want the D. I wanted to work at making it better and until it's over and I'm actually divorced it's going to be difficult.

Change takes time. I definitely am not "The Me I Want To Be" yet.