Monday was a down day, saw the NP who increased my meds again, now I'm at a level where it increases the risk of seizures so if I find myself losing blocks of time to call her right away. Not sure I'm going to go ahead with that increase because the thought of losing blocks of time was not comforting. Especially since it's not like I have anyone who can drive for me so if it happens while driving I'm in trouble.
Tuesday was a bad day, just could not cope with DS at all, really anything at all, and ended up giving in to his tantrums and letting him stay home from school, which forced me to stay home from work. So I spent the day trying to sleep and just in a deep funk, DS stuck to me like a barnacle on a whale. My sister came over after she got done with work and took DS and told me to take a shower and get something healthy to eat. While she was there I asked her about the in-patient counseling and she agreed it would be a good idea, and to talk to my therapist when I saw her the next day. After sobbing through my shower and pleading with God for help because I'm not strong enough to do this on my own I felt better, not sure if it's because I could finally relax, someone was there to tell me what to do, or because I shut down emotionally.
Wednesday I still felt better, like I was going to be ok and could handle things. Thinking now that it's because I just shut down my emotions. Felt quite unemotional all day, then my friend from high school texted me to say she was pregnant. That got me upset because I want it to be me. Saw my therapist after work, my sister came too. Therapist agrees that more agressive counseling would be beneficial and advised me on how to go about getting it. Talked about H and Whore and his car accident and of course I started crying again. It seems I am emotionally shut down but can still experience pain. Weird. Hung out with my sister last night, she made sure I completed the court petitions to file for amended visitation and the money H owes me. She's going to call me tomorrow to make sure that I go to the courthouse and file them.
Called the in-treatment hospital this morning, they offer options for intensive outpatient therapy which is where you go for either all day or part of the day sessions then go home at night and then return the next morning to resume your sessions. Left a message there that I wanted to interview because I was interested in their program, hoping they call me back soon.
As I wrote before, right now I feel ok, like I'm going to be fine. But how long with this feeling last? A day, a week? Until I have to see H with his whore when I pick up DS in a few hours? I can't keep living on this cycle where I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm not so good, I'm completely broken and then back to I'm ok repeated constantly.
New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112303
