The difference 3 months has made in my life

[TAMF]

Having a very peaceful day today. smile on my face for no reason what so ever. Love that feeling.

H came over to the house this morning to see the girls before they went to school. This is after he withdrew into his black hole for the last 2 days. He seemed very gloomy and sad. After I left for work, I called him to ask if he was okay. He said, not really - but I will be fine. He said that he just keeps thinking about how much he is hurting me by spending so much time with me and yet still doesn't know what to do. He is hating himself for inflicting so much pain on everyone.

Later I sent him a text (this isn't detaching I KNOW):

Hey remember how strong u said I was? i don't want u to worry about me - ok? the most important thingright now is that u work on YOU. if that means being around me helps - ok. if that means today you need space - ok. none of this is easy and sometimes it sucks, but we just work through it as best as we can.

He sent a text right back thanking me. All day he has been texting me about the girls and finances and he seems to be feeling much better. Which is good. I am not used to dealing with him and depression - being depressed for him is not natural.

[pie]

TAMF, thank you for posting on my thread...Just read your sitch and wish I had as much hope in mine as yours seems to! Your H is processing more than mine is I think...and made good positive moves towards you. It melts my heart a bit actually, cause i feel like I've been without love for so long, my heart is a little shrivelled up piece of leather

I'll keep reading your sitch TAMF, keen to see what happens!

[irishblessings]

TAMF -

You sound good and I LOVED your initial post in this thread (as well as the title of the thread).

You are a MUCH faster learner than me:)

Have a great day!

IB

[TAMF]

Isn't it amazing how one day you are fine and feel good and the next you can't sleep, you cry, you daydream about driving to the OW house in the middle of the night to see if his truck is in the driveway? But instead you log on to this site at 4:48am to write down your fears and anxiety?

the changes in my mood scare me. up and down. high and low. I think I am as crazy as he is.

This is one of those times I just want to be done. really done. divorced and done.

Detachment hasn't been easy for me, and right now impossible. I am right back to thinking about him all of the time. where is he, what is he doing? Will he text me a little or a lot today? when will I see him?

WHY SHOULD I CARE!!!!why, why, why? I don't want to love him anymore. we say love is a choice...why isn't it a choice for me? why can't I just say f@*k it - f@*k him.

Do I secretly love pain? So many others are able to move on - why not me?

eric asked me today what I want to do with my life. I have thought about this a lot tonight (this morning) and damn it, I loved my life! I thanked God everyday for my life! I was totally happy and satisfied with my life! I don't need to GAL - I HAVE A LIFE. a great life! I have 2 beautiful healthy kids, I have a crazy ass family that loves me to death, friends who love me so much they would help me cover a murder! JK :-) I have accomplished more with my career than I ever dreamed. I have a beautiful home. nice things. I love people and life completely.

I have a husband that loves me but doesn't...

so looking at the long list of everything that is wonderful in my life to the one and only thing that is bad in my life - it seems small, pale, weak.

So why do I let this one element in my otherwise great life cause me such pain?

Because I allow it.

[warriorshadow]

TAMF,

I think many of us here go through the same thing you are about

going right back to thinking about them all of the time.

You were married for years and care about the people you love.

I don't think you can just shut that down cold turkey.

I also hear ya on the I was happy and satisfied before all of

this. This stuff takes time. Your bomb drop was in July. Mine

was in February. If this takes 3 to 5 years or whatever, we are

just beginning this journey and I feel bad having to tell you

that. It has taken me 8 months to realize how long this takes

and I still stumble on some days.

But here is the thing,

It would be horrible to live with them day to day in a marriage

right now agreed?

If they don't come out of this, we are hurting ourselves because

we allow it as you have stated.

That is why detachment is important. It is something that you

have to face everyday until it becomes part of you.

Is it easy? F@*k no!!

It does become part of you though. The up down high and low

starts to become less after a while.

The sooner you do things to GAL and actually do some new things

that you may not have had the chance to do before, you can

accelerate the detachment and get out of the high low stuff.

It is great to come and vent here though and there are awesome

people here to hear it. I think you should vent here because If

you don't, you may end up venting on someone near you that you

will regret.

This is a life transition for the MLC'r. We now have got

drafted for a transition of our own. We can either dig in and

learn and grow or we can fall into an abyss that none of us would

ever want. From what I have read through your posts, YOU

certainly have it in YOU to be the strong woman I can already

see is in YOU.

That is where your choice is NOW!! YOU will get this!! I know YOU

will!!

WS

[Albuquerque]

Detachment hasn't been easy for me, and right now impossible.

OK TAMF. You know I love ya. And you know you're flat out wrong. It is NOT impossible. Detachment is CRUCIAL. Yeah, it's damn tough when your husband comes around a lot. But be honest with yourself. You crave (yes even initiate) those great R talks because it makes you feel as if your getting forward progress. You have GOT to get a handle on that. The more you do that, the harder it is to detach. So stop for your own mental health's sake. Let him live his life as he wants. If he wants to talk about HIS feelings, let him talk. Let HIM talk. If he isn't asking YOU questions about YOUR feelings, then don't go there. Don't offer up your feelings because you have to open yourself up to do that. And then out comes all the hard emotions that we have to deal with. Allow yourself to be the great listener that he wants, BUT DO NOTHING MORE!!! You CAN detach. Since our situations are similar, you know *I* know how hard it can be when our H don't ever REALLY leave us alone. But you have to do it for yourself and for your Ds.

I know you have a great life and are happy. But you CAN still work on yourself. Just observing, but it seems you have some insecurities with the thought of being alone. In fact, as you yourself stated, the Milwaukee guy made you feel better because "you knew no matter what happened you wouldn't end up alone". Why do you have a fear of being alone? Why do you have a "need" to have someone there for you? Work on those questions. We can have a "desire" to have a special someone to share our life with. But when it becomes a "need" then we are relying on someone else for our happiness and THAT is a big problem.

You are a strong gal TAMF. I know this was just one of your down times and you'll be fine. But keep the focus on yourself and continue your work on yourself. Since you can't join me for my pole dancing classes, you'll have to find your own "thing"!

((TAMF))

[TAMF]

WS and Al - thank you so much for the morning boost! I needed it! so here is what took place this morning...

I never went back to sleep. knew that H was coming over this morning to see the girls off to school. I decided it wasn't a good idea to see him this morning in the crappy mood I was in. So I woke D12 up for school at 6am and told her that I was going to run the bluff (where I hike everyday). I NEVER go in the morning always in the afternoon, but I told D that I wouldn't get a chance to go unless I went at 6am. My H sent me a text while I was hiking - telling me he was on his way to the house and asked if I wanted coffee. I didn't text back. He must have gotten to the house and dicovered that I went hiking - which startled him. He called 2 times while I was hiking, but I didn't answer. I got home around 7am - right when H was about to take D12 to school. He asked me if I was alright, and I said - sure. Just needed to think. He took D to school and came back to the house to then take D10 to school.

He asked me what was wrong and I told him that I was upset because my brother's girlfriend's brother-in-law had a massive stroke and he is on life support (he is only mid 40s!) and that I had bad dreams and anxiety as a result. He gave me a big hug. We ended up going to breakfast together to talk.

He told me at breakfast that these mood swings that I am having...one minute I am strong and telling him to work on him and then 24 hours later I am having anxiety attacks and telling him that I can't handle our situation. He never knows what is the real me and how I really feel.

He is absolutely right. As I posted early this morning - I think I am going crazy. up and down with my emotions. I told him that I was sorry and that he needs to bare with me and my mood swings because I try to be strong and then I have moments of insecurity that is crippling. I can usually get myself out of it quickly, but it is there regardless.

He told me at breakfast that he wasn't going to tell me, because he didn't want to get my hopes up, but he had a talk with the OW and they talked about ending it. He doesn't want to hurt anyone anymore. He is hurting me, the girls and he can't give the OW what she wants which is a family of her own. He wants to do the right thing.

He asked if he came back to work on our relationship, would I constantly be wondering if he was still cheating on me. He also wanted to know if I would tolerate some contact with her - just to call and see if she was okay. I said no. If he wants to work on our relationship, he needed to be in it 100%. He can't be friends with the OW - we would be doing exactly what we are doing now only he would be back in the house. It wouldn't work. He had to totally let her go. He said he understood.

He looked me dead in the eye and asked if we could really try to make this work. I looked him dead in the eye and said I would do everything I could to try, but HE had to do everything to try too.

We went back to the house and he just held me for a long time and said, "I love you - I hope you know that" then he said, "just be strong for a little bit longer, please."

I went to work and he sent me a text that said: Hope you have a good day. stay strong T!

He just called me and asked if I was feeling better, I said yes. He said that I did sound better and that was good. He just wanted to check on me. Then he said he would like to watch the Bear / Viking game with me on Sunday if he is home. I said that would be nice. Then he says,"you are good? strong? with or without me, right?" I said yes.

Crazy up and down day...

[ericmsant2]

TAMF,

the changes in my mood scare me. up and down. high and low.

It should cause CHANGE is SCARY!

Deep inside you’re changing….

Your thought process is changing

The way you feel is changing

The way YOUR friends and family view you is changing (this by your own admission)

AND here is the really f*cked up part….you are starting to face some of your own demons and insecurities and it scares the chit out of YOU! Psst…that would be some of those things that you do not post about, that dark place in your mind that you do not like to go visit.

Change is SCARY yes it is BUT believe it or not it is also NESSASARY!

Change is a part of life. Yet we tend to fight change and when we realize that we are losing the fight to STOP change, guess what….we get scared!

Everything that you are going through TAMF is pretty damn normal. So please be gentle on yourself.

This is one of those times I just want to be done. really done. divorced and done.

Yep – I have felt that feeling many, many times…. Guess what – IMO, YOUR NOT DONE! Tired, yes DONE – no. FTR, I think I’ve been done oh…say….maybe 20 – 30 times. Hell, I was just about done most recently when I fell in love with someone else. Guess what, I was not done and now someone else is hurt.

Your hurt, you thought YOUR actions could snap his as* out of it, you thought you could make him a little jealous, you thought this couldn’t happen to you, you thought most of this was YOUR fault (at least for a while) and YOU still think that YOU can change it.

You can’t.

Sorry – only your H can change himself.

I think I am as crazy as he is.

IF CHOOSING to STAND for WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN and really want is crazy…well then quite a few of us are bat chit f*cking MAD!

Detachment hasn't been easy for me, and right now impossible.

HARD does not = impossible!

Let me tell you about detachment….

You know that I have been living with my wife for almost 15 months. Have I detached completely? No. Have I detached to the point that I try and protect myself – YES. Do I fail some days? Yes.

Detachment is not about physically not seeing someone (yes I agree that sometime that is needed). No true detachment is not allowing someone else actions to dictate how YOU feel and how YOU live your life.

Alb said…..But be honest with yourself. You crave (yes even initiate) those great R talks because it makes you feel as if your getting forward progress.

SPOT Fu*king ON! Deep down TAMF..you think you can fix it. You think if you give him a little more love, a little more….ummmm affection….that he will change. Maybe he will, maybe he will not. What does the DB books tell you..if something doesn’t work try something different!

WHY SHOULD I CARE!!!!why, why, why? I don't want to love him anymore. we say love is a choice...why isn't it a choice for me? why can't I just say f@*k it - f@*k him.

Why should any of us? I mean really. Why not just go with the grain and say “F it”? Why not run like everyone else? Why not just take a little time to heal, get over it and go meet someone that will love us the way we want and need to be loved? Why…oh yes TAMF, why?

IMO, the why is because WE ARE SPECIAL! The why is because WE have taken a stand and in some cases for the first time in our lives…to stand for something that means so much to us. Some will call it stuck – I disagree. I call it LOVE! I call it commitment.

I call it a CHOICE to love when really I do not deserve to be loved!

Come to grips with the fact that YOU will love your H forever. Accept it.

So many others are able to move on

Define what Move on is.

Is moving on letting go and letting God?

Is moving on meeting someone else?

Define why you feel you are stuck and something tells me that you will see that YOU are really not stuck and if you are stuck you will understand why.

I have a husband that loves me but doesn't..

Many of us often struggle with what the DB books tell us, which is to change how you look at things… Maybe if you changed how you look at the above quote..say….”I have a husband that loves me but that right now is totally f*cked up in the head, bat chit crazy and cannot see what is right in front of his face” (the F bomb is the Eric version).

Change how you look at things TAMF.

Being DONE means what to you? Really? What does it mean?

Because I allow it

The best quote of your post!

Now, pick your as* up and get back to working on you.

Stop f*cking around and WRITE DOWN HOW you want to live YOUR life!

Not how you want to live it to get YOUR H back – no – HOW YOU WANT TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.

We all have dreams and yet our own fears hold us back (Maybe I am projecting a bit here).

Don’t let them girl!

I know that you want to travel – well then pick a place, somewhere inexpensive and go. Plan your next few trips and start saving.

What else do YOU want to do that you have never done. Fu*k what is holding you back?

God Bless,
Eric

[TAMF]

IF CHOOSING to STAND for WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN and really want is crazy;well then quite a few of us are bat chit f*cking MAD!

This is true! LOL!

You had asked me to detail what the old me thought was important and what I looked for in a partner and then do the same for the new me - ok, here goes:

Old me thought was important in a partner
1. must be really tall! JK, had to start off with a laugh!
2. sense of humor
3. loving
4. loyal
5. things in common
6. treats me good
7. responsible
8. good kisser

the new me
1. must be really tall! not kidding
2. great dad to his kids
3. understands who I am what I am made of and loves me anyway
4. sense of humor
5. talks to me honestly - communicates!!!
6. realizes that love and marriage are hard work, but worth it
7. things in common - must love football
8. realizes that my career is an important part of who I am
9. doesn't care that I talk too much - but is able to tell me to shut up and listen when I get carried away
10.and I hate to say it, but needs to be good in bed

I know I could come up with more - but I think the important thing discovered here is that my list now is more detailed, and it is not a list JUST for what I am looking for in a partner but more like what I am looking for in a relationship. I know that a good relationship is about communication, consideration, sacrafice, understanding, humor, tenderness and forgiveness.

[Albuquerque]

10.and I hate to say it, but needs to be good in bed

LOL!! And you have the nerve to call ME a dirty little girl on my thread!! Haha!

I'm glad to see that your H is starting to rethink some things. But make sure to keep in mind that the actions have to match the words. The MLC mantra is still in place. Believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do. Don't get your hopes too high. Even if he's being genuine, it's still a long road because you know he's still very very broken. I KNOW you know this. Isn't it strange how our situations still seem to be very similar?