My heart aches for you this morning, I know the confusion, and pain that you are feeling today far to well.
You said:
Quote: I do not want to dread going to pick up the mail, wondering what I will find. I do not want to be my H's jailer for the rest of my life. I am not a detective and I do not want to be one.
YOU are absolutely right to NOT want to face those heart wrenching incidents. BUT....the truth IS, you don't have to.
Your H appears (from your posts) to still be very confused as to what he wants. His vacilating continues to cause you a great deal of stress and heartache to be sure.
YOU have done a tremendous and courageous job of making a valiant effort to recapture your relationship with him, BUT, you're NOT done yet.
I would gladly hand you the towel that you're so ready to throw in, IF I believed that everything that could be done, had been done.
I certainly make NO excuse for your H...he's being a typical narcissistic ass....but, I would offer MHO that he is still 'in the fog' and that mindset causes him to continue to be thoughtless, deceptive and hurtful.
I support your stepping back...for YOUR sake and your DDs sake, but I encourage you to float above the current trauma of his continued failure to 'reconnect' and see it for what it is....HIS continued confusion.
Remove YOURSELF from his inability to make a real commitment just yet....let him complete HIS journey through this hellish ordeal....while YOU go about making life better for yourself despite/or inspite of what HE does or fails to do.
Ultimately OF COURSE the decision is YOURS to make. Make it wisely, make it of absolute benefit to YOU...make it when you're calm and capable of unemotional attachment. Make it based on SOUND judgement, not emotion.
