Not sure where to start or end? WAW? #4

[soleil]

[CityGirl]

If you were really "moving on" then mediation would be done, you and your W would have a set and concrete plan in place for all aspects of the divorce and nothing would be in limbo. If you were really "moving on" you would not be on a quest to be a "better man" for your W. If you were really "moving on" you would not be wondering why your W does or says anything.

Is your W testing the waters or seeing how short a leash she still has you on? I guess only you can decide that.

When some work is required your W bails... she acted in a deplorable fashion both before, during and after Retro. She bailed on you when you were sick. She was not too pleased about the settlement the mediator told her about. But now that she needs a few things done she is "testing the waters?". I don't think so.

Either way you need to really forget about your W and the OW for a while. If anybody questions if they are in fact having an affair then chances are they ARE having an affair. If the conversations and time you spend with OW would not be things you would do in front of your W then yes, you are having an affair.

Do what you want but don't mask an affair under the guise of "moving on".

In a way I think you thrive on the drama your W creates because drama in a sick way translates to need. And you like to be needed. So you get to be needed, your W gets to act like a nutcase and everybody is "happy".

Im just saying that such highs and lows are not attributes that help a R get repaired or evolve at all. Its more of the same.

You said there was a brief time in your life where you didn't have such a deep level of self need. What was different in your life then? What was present that is missing now?

Look - we ALL have to find a balance between the "bad and good" before we can really conquer the bad. For me it's my anxiety. For you it's your neediness. It's NOT easy but really picking apart the particulars (at least for me) is the first step.

As long as anxiety is part of my life other parts of my life will suffer. As long as deep need is part of your life other aspects of your life will suffer. So we both have some work to do and some balance to attain... right?

[john28]

I ended things with Professor Cat Lady just now. It was the right thing to do.

I didn't feel right seeing her when she could be so emotionally invested in me, and the same goes for me. I don't know what came over me tonight to end things with her, but it felt like the right thing to do.

So, that's that.

[Piano]

How did she take it? What did you say?

[john28]

She took it very well. Understood very well too. I told her that I needed time to figure out who I was, and that I wasn't happy with the person I was right now... and any relationship that I entered wouldn't be a good idea right now because it would be inevitably doomed.

She actually said she felt the same way, and that she herself needed to take some time to herself. She's been swamped with work, been sick lately, and felt like she needed time to herself too.

All in all, it went very well. It was a nice conversation. I felt like I was DB myself during the whole thing. But, alas, it's over.

[john28]

I miss the vets. This board is dying.

[CityGirl]

If you feel the board is dying what are YOU doing to make it better besides complaining about how it is dying?

[konfuseeed]

What do you expect the "vets" to say at this point, really?

[Lotus]

I've been around about as long as anybody, but at this point, I'm just reading along waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've actually never seen anyone have a near death experience just from dating someone new! John and the wife are always full of surprises, so I can't figure out any way to give advice.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

ow that we have the update about cat lady, what's the current state with your W?