Wow, you type fast! Lots of new questions for me to answer, and I’m still going over questions you raised in your last post…
All right, so here are the 180’s I have done and stuck with. Most have been in place for about 2-3 months, and I don’t want to give them up. Not now or ever.
I lost 42+ pounds. Not such a big deal on this board, but after the initial stress weight loss, I kept it going by addressing my emotional eating issues and starting to work out regularly.
I got a job outside the home. I was running a home daycare, but there was no insurance and it didn’t bring in enough money. I went back to work in an office, even though it meant I had to put D3 in daycare.
I started dressing better and wearing makeup regularly. It started because I was so happy to fit back into my old “skinny” clothes again. This helped my self esteem so much I do it all the time, and I don’t worry if H will see how I look anymore or not.
I quit asking questions. No more where are you.., what are you doing,.. when are you going to get your own place,.. do you think there is hope for us… All stopped. Cold turkey. Yes, I still ask those questions, but only here and to myself. Stopping myself from asking them at all may help me to really begin to detach.
I quit snooping. Only about a month ago, but I stopped in order to detach from my H. I think at this point I have nothing else I need to learn and it just makes me crazy.
I adopted a relaxed, happy attitude whenever I spoke with or saw H. I have pulled this off well for about 1 ½ months, but I need to make it sink in deeper for myself. It does help my PMA, even when I am just bluffing. More and more often though, I am “making it” instead of “faking it.”
I started going out more with friends. Not enough, but I let H’s unstable schedule get in my way. I plan to ask him to stick to a more predictable schedule in the future so I can make plans better.
I quit avoiding the in-laws. Easier with some than others, but that is kind of how it goes for now…
Not sure if this qualifies, but I stepped back and let my H parent more. You could even say I forced him to stop using me as a crutch. This was my first 180, and was immediately after H made the ILYBNILWY speech. One of his complaints was that I didn’t “let” him parent. My first thought was WTF?! I have been begging you to help me for years! When I thought about it though I realized we had a pattern. I would ask for help, and H would pitch in the bare minimum, complain about something, and I would “rescue” him and a crying D3. My 180 was to step back and tell him I was confident he could handle it. I would also redirect D3 back to him as much as I could without rejecting her myself. This was an easy 180 because I had wanted this to happen for a long time. The only thing stopping it was H’s near-panic any time he was left in charge of the baby. Once I knew he wanted to do the work, I was happy to let him. If nothing else good comes of this mess, D3’s relationship with her daddy is MUCH stronger now. I am glad for that. It is something I would not trade for anything, even to get my H to come home.
I know that I need to do more 180s, but I also have to get back to work for a bit…
I spoke too soon. My stomach feels very queezy. H just called and said he wants to meet at his parent's house then walk D3 to the park and talk. So far, talks at parks have been bad, but H has never had D3 arround when we have had a bomb drop.
I think our talk is going to be a TALK.
He sounds nervous, but not cold.
Trying to let go of my expectations, both good and bad.
I have to listen carefully and not panic, no matter what.
Could be good, could be bad. I'll know in an hour or two.
decide NOTHING. Gather data. Listen to him and listen well. Tell him you need time to process this "news" whatever it is. And decide nothing tonight.
So all you are getting tonight is information from him. Remember that. Nothing will be written (at all) let alone in stone. Just listen to him and at some point, you can ask what he wants or expects FROM YOU, just to be clear. Good luck! STAY CALM NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS..."losing it" is not attractive. Besides, you will never regret facing this with dignity.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wish I had read your post before I left, but was already gone. Still, I think I did what you said to do.
I will give myself a 6 out of 10. I did better than I feared, but started to come apart at the end. H said he "is going to go ahead and file" for divorce. Would have done better if I had left earlier, but I didn't.
Could have done better, but no horrible mistakes. No begging, cried a bit, but saved almost all till I was headed home. Resisted very strong urge to text H that I was home safe.
Feel drained and empty. Looking at tonight there were lots of positives and only a few negatives. Unfortunately, the main negaitve hit me hard. I will log in my journal so I don't forget. I am going to go to sleep soon. I have a C apt tomorrow. That is good. Also a few good oportunities to DB the next few days. I'm not done. Just need to let myself rest before I think. Feel like I have been hit by a truck, even though this is not really unexpected.
Tonight has me thinking of a song I would sing with my daughter when she was about a year and a half...
Here we go up, up, up, here we go down, down, down, here we go back and forth, here we go round and round.
Bolted the door tonight. Not out of fear, just kind of like setting a boundry for me. Never could do it before, just in case H came home. Didn't want him to feel locked out.
