I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[desert_rat]

I went and watched the latest Harry Potter movie at the cheap theater. I think I was in a different place than you are!

[awest1217]

CTH-The only thing I think you should really do is see a C (a good C) to work on the bitterness. It is completely ok to be mad at STBXW and to not want to be friends, but you bitterness to her is completely apparent and if you are as transparent as you say you are, then your girls know it too.

Here is a story from my experience that maybe will help you. My step-sister and I were talking this past weekend. Her mom cheated multiple times on my step-dad/her dad. Finally he had enough and filed for D. After a custody battle, he got custody of my step-sister and step-brother. My step-dad always said bad things about their mom, and if he wasn't he was always mean to her and non-communicative. He just wanted nothing to do with his XW including coparenting. It ended up that XW didn't have a lot of money, after getting remarried and having another child, so my step-dad and XW made a agreement, no more child support if the kids didn't have to visit. They went years without seeing their mom. Funny thing is that years later once my step-sister grew up. She realized that my step-dad was not a peach. He is abusive physically and emotionally (although doing somewhat better lately). She realized that although what her mom did was wrong, she actually resented her father more. Not for the abuse, but for bad mouthing her mom. XW never said one mean word to her kids about their dad, and in the end, my step-sister is closer to her mom.

I say this to warn you. You don't bad mouth STBXW. You don't ever say mean things to the girls, but they will pick-up on the resentment, and it could cause them to resent you. Really think about what you want to teach your girls. Be a good example of truly forgiving. Am I saying talk every week, or do things together? No. Some can. I do and I know others do, but if you aren't able to do that it is ok, but you need to get to a point where you can communicate (even by e-mail) without getting so worked up and upset because the girls know. They know more than you think. Find a way to communicate and work with STBXW and most importantly find a way to stop the bitterness. Anger is an emotion and should be acknowledged. Anger when dealt with is an important emotion, but bitterness, bitterness destroys. Find someone you can work with to root out the bitterness and save yourself.

[whatisis]

What she said!
CTH, this is not just about YOU! It's about building the best life possible for your kids. So you've got to put aside this anger and bitterness and do right by your kids. The only reason your wife has this power over you is because you give it to her. Take it back! You don't have to be her buddy but at least recognize that she has given you the greatest gifts ever, your kids. Respect her for that and work with her in bringing them up together. They are what really matters here. They are the real victims! CTH, my wife screwed me around good for years and a friend once said "I don't know how you're still walking around" but my wife loves her kids as do I and we do everything we can to give them the best life possible. Sometimes I still feel discomfort around her and I sure don't call just to chat but we have a common bond that cannot be broken, a love for our kids. You do too!
So once again, speak to your Pastor, read "Healing Is A Choice"...please do something to deal with your feelings here! And if you, do you will get through this.

[ImprovedRomeo]

CTH, thanks for clarifying- I know we've discussed this in the past because I remember writing to you about it. However, I can't even come close to saying it as well as awest already has. I think she really hit it on the head. There's wisdom in her example for all of us with kids.

I too can pick up on the bitterness when you post something about STBXW. And it is understandable but when it comes to the kids you just have to do whatever it takes to put your personal bitterness aside and do the right thing for them. If you feel strongly that these issues can be addressed via email so be it but there will be times when you will need to pick up the phone and call her in the future. It won't diminish you in anyway, in fact, if you can establish a basic cordial communication relationship with her on the topic of the kids within some established boundaries it will only make you look better in her and most importantly your kids eyes. And even more importantly it'll benefit your kids who are the innocent by standers in all of this.

I never ever bad mouth STBXW in fact I say quite the opposite because I never want DD to think I dislike her mother. I know she doesn't bad mouth me either but she will say stuff to DD that I wouldn't. In fact, it happened recently and I can cover that in my thread. But the bottomline is it's a process and whatever else is going on in our lives affects all this- happens to me too but you just have to make sure whatever you do doesn't affect the kids now or long term. If you can't see a counselor get a book from the library e.g. Sand Castles or The single dad's handbook etc.

Sorry, I can't write more or better. I have to run to play with DD and make dinner.

[ClingingToHope]

Everything yesterday was kind of conceptual stuff. Today, I have a couple of emails to respond to. They came late last night. How/or do I respond to these:

First on insurance/daycare:

STBXW dropped me from her insurance effective 12-31-10. I thought the divorce had to be final. Apparently not. I'm in my enrollment period so it's not that big of a deal, except it'll cut my paycheck $60 per check.

We'd negotiated a lower child support payment, dropping it $22 per pay period. Should I tell her that, if the divorce isn't done by 12-31-10, once I have to pay my own insurance I'm going to start paying the lower mediated rate -- or just let it go and see what happens with the D and if it isn't done just pay less?

Second, she's going to approach our after school sitter about claiming the $75 she pays a week for daycare on her taxes. She hasn't been. STBXW says she cannot afford to pay the money and not be able to claim it on taxes.

I think this is kind of a ruse. I just think she's struggling paying the $75.

This after school sitter has been by far the best. We went through three before her. She comes early and stays late according to our needs. My initial thought is to respond that if she does that and we lose her, what does she think the options are? Go through the process to try to hire another? Just put them in YMCA after school care? If YMCA care is the option, then the savings is about $22 a week because it's not free and they HAVE to be picked up by 5:30 p.m. and there's an extra cost if you miss the time.

Second, if we go the YMCA route then I DON'T see them every day like I do now and in mediation she agreed that if that happened I'd get them an extra night.

Last point on that is that I'd agreed in mediation to split daycare costs once the D is done. Should I remind her of that -- perhaps a subtle reminder to get this over with?

So do I lay all of that out in a response?

Second email was just one forwarded from D8's Daisy troupe.

D8 should be in an older troupe, but she gravitates towards younger kids. She has a friend in this troupe and has had a good time, I thought. But she came home two weeks ago saying she quit because they were being mean to her.

The email was from the troupe leader who laid out what was going on that night. When she found D8 crying in the bathroom she asked her what was wrong and D8 said she was crying over the divorce. That was No. 1. Then she said she was being picked on.

Why would STBXW send me that? She is divorcing me. There's really no response I can send that wouldn't take the bait. Is there?

Final notes from last night. D11 asked me if I can help her raise funds for her Washington trip. I thought she meant D.C. No. She means a trip to Seattle to visit STBXW's older sister.

D11's aunt has told her on the phone she wants her to visit her out there. So D11 is all excited. But STBXW this week admitted to her she can't buy the ticket and STBXW's mom can't help because she's still supporting STBXW's younger sister -- the 36-year-old who hasn't had a job in six years and now is back in college.

I told D11 I can't pay for the ticket because I'm saving up for a trip for all three of us to go to California. I told her that if her aunt wants her to visit then she'll probably have to help.

She can. The aunt is the only one with money. She married a great guy who retired from the air force and is a mechanic at Boeing. He makes six figures. They could buy the ticket with tip money.

I told D11 really the only way she can raise money for the trip is to earn it. She wants to start babysitting. I paid for a babysitting training class next week. I can send out emails to coworkers next week to drum up business for her.

D11 said she really wants to go on the trip because there's so many places she wants to explore.

It's tough. Two years ago, after getting back from Disney World, D11 and I laid out plans on all of the great places we wanted to go on family vacations -- New Orleans, California, New York.

It was a fun list and she left it on her bedroom desk to look at -- and now I had to tell her it's likely I'll just be able to take her to California and New York before she graduates high school.

[ClingingToHope]

With all of the back and forth and the girls -- I forgot another new development. The U.S. Small Business Administration called. They have our second mortgage. We got a disaster loan in 2008 after the 2007 flood to help repair the basement.

That second loan is now why STBXW can't sell the house. We're underwater.

Anyway, it was a message saying I needed to call. Is it ever a good thing when your mortgage company is calling you?

I'm guessing the economic house of cards is starting to fall.

[awest1217]

I understand you want to give your daughters the world, but she should be very appreciative that she even gets to go to New York and California. Many children never get to go past the states connected to where they live. Instead of always thinking about what you can't give the girls, they and you need to focus on what you are able to do. There is so much you do with the girls that many parents would die to be able to do, but they can't (even some two parent households) because they are struggling to just put food on the table. Maybe start a thankful list because you have so much to be thankful for.

The daisy troup e-mail: You just said yesterday that you wanted to be informed about STBXW talking to the principal so now she informed you about the Daisy troup and you are upset. Choose! To that e-mail, I would just say, "thank you for the information. Is there anything you would like me to do to help with this situation?" D8 is really having a hard time with the D even though she doesn't show it, probably because of all of her energy, so you need to help her when possible. Work with STBXW on behalf of D8 and D11 to help them adjust. A C may need to be called in for the girls so they have someone safe to confide in. D8 may be thinking this is her fault even if you tell her it is not so she needs help to realize it.

With the babysitter, I am sorry but it is illegal for her to not claim that money. I believe anything over $1000 is supposed to be claimed. She is making almost $4000 a year so it should be claimed on a moral route. Depending on how old this girl is, she probably still won't pay much for that, but she does need to learn to pay her taxes. My accountant always says to hold back about 30% so for the girl it would be $400.

As for the other things, I will go with what others have said. Choose your battles wisely. Do you want to fight with STBXW over some $ or save that battle in case the babysitter quits and you have to fight for the extra day? Since STBXW is still paying the full daycare bill so if you fight her about the lower child support she could say then you have to start paying half the child care. Which is better?

You D is going to happen and be finalized. When, who knows, but it will happen so why not start getting things ready. Why make a big deal about the insurance when you would have to be take off soon anyway? This is just one less thing to worry about when the D is final.

Choose wisely...

[Drew]

I would also recommend retaking the state required online Parenting class. I believe you told another poster that it was painful, and if that was the case, I feel you didn't take it in the right frame of mind. It's intended to help you and your children get through a very difficult time, not hurt.

[ClingingToHope]

I chose to lay out the options as I see them on the after school sitter.

None of it should be a "battle" since it was stuff previously agreed to.

If the after school schedule changes and I don't get to see them every day she agreed to giving me an additional night on the weeks I don't have them on the weekend. I reminded her of that.

I reminded her also that they proposed a lower CS payment and insurance than I'm paying now and we agreed so once the insurance costs kick in for me I'll start paying the lower payment.

[whatisis]

CTH, I've followed your sitch for a while (ever since you drunkenly ran over the for sale sign of wife's lawn...ooops!)and since then I have yet to see you act on any suggestion anyone has given you in regards to dealing with your wife. You stick to lowering your head and bulling your way forward doing more of the same. Your recent posts are just more of the same again. When are you gonna listen to someome, even just a bit? You have to co-parent and doing that in the most constructive way is what has to happen. So if you're heart skips a little beat when you talk to her...tough! Do it. All this texting crap leaves incredible holes which can be misinterpreted etc. You spend so much time trying to figure out what she's thinking or what her financial status is or how she's screwing you. Start doing what's best for the kids, man up and talk to the woman. How are you going to raise healthy children if you can't communicate about things! Get counselling or whatever and get down to business. This is not healthy for you or your kids.
Btw, Healing Is A Choice (also recommended by BBJ) costs 3.75 on www.bookcloseouts.com, I'm sure you can spring for that much! Do something different, more of the same ain't working!
Sorry, if I sound harsh but it irks me when you skip over well thought out responses that people have posted to you just to post more of the same. It isn't easy to do something different but it can make a big difference, isn't that what DBing is all about?