I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

And I think if you were completely honest with yourself, even after all that's happened, if she showed up at your doorway begging for a second chance, you'd give it to her. And I'm not trying to blow smoke up your you-know-what or give you false hope, but what if one of you opened up a crack. What's the worst that can happen?

I asked her to marriage counseling. She said no.

I asked her to go to the marriage rebuilders class. She said she'd think about it and then never responded.

In September, 2009, we had our one good talk since we separated -- it was in response to the first of the letters I wrote to her -- and she agreed to talk on the phone once a week to see where that went. Then she never called. When I asked her, she said she only agreed to it to get me off the phone.

In December, she invited me to Christmas with her family. We spent six hours together and everyone had a great time. When leaving, she asked me to drive the dog home. Turns out she only asked because she had a party to go to and didn't want to have to drive the girls back down to my place and turn around and go back to the party. That was a major turning point for me.

Then she filed in February and went on that trip to Sturgis in August with a bunch of single motor cycle dudes.

If she somehow showed up and wanted to work on things, I hope I'd have the strength to put down conditions I think I've written about before. I hope I wouldn't just cave and be grateful she's willing to throw me a few crumbs like before. But I don't know for sure.

It's like cheating. I never cheated on STBXW. I also never was presented with the opportunity. I'd like to think that's something I wouldn't do, but until temptation stares you in the face, you don't know for sure.

Drew, every time I put myself out there, she swatted me away and each time it hurt. It took a long time, but I'm to the point where I don't want to be hurt -- by her -- anymore. She would have to come to me.