MLC or just an EA?

[Starsky309]

I can handle the craziness of all this and keep my wits about me, knowing in my heart of hearts this W is not the person I married. I will give the DB techniques the time they need to bring that person back . . .

Pickle,

"Little Bo-Peep" doesn't work.

There's a difference between an "ultimatum" and a "boundary." Your children are watching how you handle this.

Starsky

[Starsky309]

Pinhead,
That's what I am thinking too, how do I start setting boundaries? I agreed on freedom because of the DB techniques saying don't ask about R, don't ask about OW, don't talk about the M . . .

Angel,

"Don't talk about OW" isn't the same as "be willing to have OW present in your marriage." Clearly communicating to your husband "I will not live in an open marriage" is NOT the same as constantly badgering him with questions about where he's been, who he's been with, what is it that OW's got that I haven't got, etc.

You are mistaking "let them go/give them space" with "give him freedom to conduct his affair."

Starsky

[Steve McQueen]

Last week though, there was some change. he talked to me, said that OW is starting to feel guilty, and that she did not want to break apart our family.

she found herself a new younger boyfriend.

[angel61]

Pickle, thank you. I feel good having someone think the way I do.
Because of the moral and religous dilemma I am in, plus the different kinds of advice I have been getting, I went to see a therapist just now that I got from a Christian site. I told her that I can't help but think that allowing my H some space is almost like condoning what he is doing, which we know is not "right". Many friends, and this forum, have seemed to be more on giving ultimatums.
What she said was this: "Giving him an ultimatum if he is not ready, if he is confused, can just push him into doing the "bad deed", and would not be helping him. Waiting, being patient, giving him time - may lead to him finding the right path, and ultimately, seeking forgiveness. "
Like you, I believe in the goodness of my spouse. I am willing to give him a chance, but exactly how to do that, how to hold back, how to detach, the level of detachment - all these are confusing to me. I think I have chosen my option, and now just need to find the exact path to do it.
Hope we can communicate more, Pickle. Share what works and what doesn't. I see your bomb is even more recent than mine.

Re: Yellow light - means hold off, I am feeling guilty, lets just be friends. For a while, OW seemed to start responding to my H, and started sending SMS and emails signifying that she was reciprocating (like saying I miss you, wish you were here, etc). Then on a business meeting (we all work in the same line), for some reason , maybe to prove that they are just friends, H invited me to meet up with OW. I agreed, and she and I actually had a good talk - she asked me about our life, D11, and I described them to her, with H actually contributing to the conversation.
H then told me 2 weeks later that the OW was telling him that she felt guilty about breaking up our family. I actually had that feeling already, from noticing a subtle change in the way her texts to my H were (I can't help it, I snoop!).
The thing I noticed about my H though was that instead of acting depressed because his "love interest" changed, he seemed actually more lighthearted, and less restless at home. Of course, my read into that is he is relieved from the burden of making a decision - the OW made it and pushed it into a safer realm. But I still see him trying to pursue her, still replying to her "friendly" emails in a loving way.

[angel61]

Steve,

Thats what I am really hoping for! Know anyone who is looking for a 31 year old, blond, rich, educated girlfriend? She is all that, I can't imagine what she sees in my H! Granted, He is pretty good looking and smart, still being married is a big put-off, in my opinion.

Angel

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Angel,

I think you need to be very cautious about your H behavior.

Since it was the OW decision to break things off, what's to say your H won't seek out OW2?

In the beginning WE ALL have the mind set of ~ "WHo is this person I married?".
They wouldn't/couldn't possibly be doing what their doing.

Keep reading here and learn the patterns of the cheating spouse.

[angel61]

Thanks Gr8, I will keep that in mind.

[angel61]

Haven't posted for a while but I do have some new developments. Just to let everyone know, I have been DB'ing my ass off but of course would backslide evry now and then, my most major fault not being able to keep from saying or writing ILY and also texting and calling. But I have been doing GAL a lot and have not been crying or being sad arund him, and also have refrained from attacking or defending or too much relationship talks.

So we had a convo a few days back. This is in regard to me havng problems with my work - my boss told me to get my act togteher, as I am slacking, and though I am not really depressed about it, I have been thinking on what to do for damage control. I told my H and thankfully, he is very concerned.

My H thinks though that I am on the path to self destruction, and told me he could not take it if I do fall apart. He finally admitted to me how guilty he is of everything and feels he will go into depression if I do fall apart, and what will happen to our family and to D11? I pointed out to him that I am NOT falling apart, but I am doing my best to do recover, and that I will harness all my resources to do so, even if it meant asking help from him. He agreed to help me, as we work in the same line, by reviewing my work, etc. At the same time, I said look, I did not create this problem, but see how much I have progressed? He agreed at that point.

He then started analyzing the situation, saying that if we both could pull ourselves up, become better persons, the probability of healing our relationship would be higher. He also assured me that me not needing him did not mean to say he would leave.

So I went on a 2 day business trip. Whe I got back, I was happy, bubbly with the good reslts of my trip. He then suddenly asks me how I have been coping, and said he himself was not coping well. I was surprised, but not wanting to share DB, just simply said prayer, aouls searching and sometimes just plain escaping everything.....

I view this as improvements.....anyone out there validate me? tell me if what I am thinking is OK? What should I do next?

Angel

[InAPickle]

It looks like you've found some things that work.
Make note in your solution journal be it on paper or mental.
Just remember, if you are progressing toward a particular goal, do what works and gets results, discard what doesn't. It's that simple. Nice work Angel!

[dbmod]

I agree, you're doing a good job, AND you're making progress.

Keep it up.