I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

DR, I didn't say I was angry about her talking to the principal, I was saying I'd like to be notified -- by email. If you go through my thread, I've backed way off when it comes to what the girls do on STBXW's time -- in fact I've gotten hammered for not being more involved when it comes to her time.

CG, you are right. I should be grateful that she didn't put up a fight about the rings -- but then when you trace it back it gets back to the fact she's divorcing me and I don't feel like being grateful for anything to do with the D. To me, it's all the same fruit from the poisonous tree (I learned that one on those legal TV shows).

I was talking to a friend last week and realized I continue to want it both ways -- I want the divorce to be over so I can have financial certainty and freedom -- but deep down I still don't want to be divorced and every step closer sends me in a spiral.

I also try not to make it about winning and losing and I'm getting better with just focusing on myself and what I need to get done.

But no matter what, deep down all of us want to be the one that truly thrives. I can't remember a single thread I've read where someone wrote about how great their X is doing, how happy the X is without them, how the X has just taken off and in the end, boy was the X right.

That's an aside. I deserve the 2x4s, for the most part I agree, but I'm not there yet and I'd rather work on these issues here than on the phone or face to face with STBXW.

You know, last year I tried all of the DB things. I listened, I validated. When she wanted to vent about work or family issues I let her do the talking. When I went to some marriage rebuilder classes and learned my role in how things crumbled, I wrote her five letters and specifically stated ways in how I failed (A DB counselor tip) and apologized.

We worked together on the house. We worked together on the schedules. We did Christmas together. I used each meeting as a chance to build a better relationship -- another DB counselor tip.

She filed for divorce in February. Last year meant nothing.

So right now, while I battle the things above, she gets as little of me as possible. Everything that's happening in the girls' lives and the divorce and the house can be handled by email.