I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

The .00000001% I talk about is the same chance someone has of winning the lottery -- and the vast majority of people who do win the lottery file for bankruptcy in five years.

I don't argue with her. We haven't argued since February when she filed. Part of the part of keeping things to email is to keep from taking the bait.

[desert_rat]

I have to say... you are giving her way to much power.

If you are worries about not taking the bait, then don't take the bait! And if you choose to take the bait, what's she going to do? Divorce you?

From what I have read over the past few months, not talking to her about kid related stuff isn't really helping. It seems to me that it just builds the tension, increases the mindreading, and lets things get blown out of proportion.

[desert_rat]

And if it's important, argue with her! (Make sure it's important, not just that you want to be right, we all fall into that trap.) Rolling over isn't going to help either.

[ClingingToHope]

OK. Been thinking of how to respond to Drew.

STBXW can't win with me right now and may not ever be able to. Two years ago, if she'd talked to the principal and didn't tell me, I wouldn't have cared. We were a team.

Now. There's no trust. I see hidden motives in whatever little interaction we have.

Another example on how she can't win. Three weeks ago when I picked up the wedding rings, she didn't object at all. She had them sitting out for me. She could have fought me over them, but she didn't. Several told me how great that was, but what I thought about was how little she cared that the wedding rings weren't worth fighting over. And the bitterness came back.

So agreeing with her ... feels like I'm condoning what she's done. I can't do it ... not right now and maybe never. I may just figure out coping mechanisms to get through issues.

I'm great at giving advice and not so great in taking it. Aren't we all, though. What's the old saying "do as I say, not as I do."

Truthfully, right now, I don't want to co-parent. I want to single parent. I want to have autonomy on my time and she can have autonomy on hers. I'll get hammered for saying that, but it's how I feel.

Truthfully, I wish I could just wish her away -- never have to talk to her. I'll go four or five days without hearing from her and then I'll have to take her call and the old feelings resurface. I hate having to talk to her at all. I'll get hammered for saying that, but it's how I feel.

Have to get back to work. This post was all over the place. As you can see, I'm conflicted. I know I have to get better, but I'm not sure how better looks and feels.

[desert_rat]

Darn it, CTH, I am going to have to break out a 2x4 here.

You don't want to co-parent. Well, guess what, you don't get to choose that. Is it fair, no, but there's lots of stuff that's not fair every day. I know that you know the kids are the important ones here. So, in my opinion, you have to swallow your pride, bitterness, and anger, and get on with it. And who knows, if you do it for a while, you might even find that it gets easier.

Better will happen when you stop letting the fact that she is breathing control your emotions. Until then, you are not going to be the best you that you can be, and you are not going to be the best parent that you can be. And who loses then?

[desert_rat]

Oh, I just noticed this... you said you wanted her to have autonomy on her time, but when she exercises that, you get angry. That's one reason that won't work. And it sure isn't going to be good for the kids to have that kind of inconsistency. And don't think that they can't sense your resentment and bitterness. You are not helping yourself there, either.

I know you are a guy, and you don't need help. And I rarely suggest this, being a guy myself. But you need a C.

[CityGirl]

IMO this all really comes down to a power struggle. This is not news though as you have been in a power struggle with your W for some time now.

Ever hear the phrase "pick your battles"? I am sure you have.

Often times you post that you just want the divorce to be done and over with. You post you are financially struggling and each time you have something come up that is legal in nature it costs you 250.00. Yet on the other hand you are upset your W did not put up more of a fight over the wedding rings. Well, had she put up a fight over the rings you would have had lots of legal fees to get them back. So which is it? You want things done rapidly in a low cost fashion or do you want your W to fight you on things to show she "cares" and have this thing drag out and be more costly?

One of the hardest things I have had to learn to do during this process was see things from the other side when it comes to my husband. Did you ever stop to think your W didn't fight you on the rings out of respect for you and the heirloom they are for YOUR family? Since she has opted not to be part of your family anymore she decided to return them without fanfare or argument as she knows they no longer belong to her. Instead you are mad she did not fight you more. Well, you were worried about a fight before all of this went down. Why aren't your RELEIVED there as no fight? Now you are mad she didn't fight more.

Your W can't win with you but this isn't about winning. It just seems to me that you always make it about winning or competing. And as long as you keep making it about winning or competing those old feelings will continue to fester and spill over in all areas of your life.

Don't be stupid like me and wait around for your W to say she did wrong or show any remorse or put up a fight about anything you deem important. As I have learned you will be waiting for an awfully long time (as in forever).

[Drew]

CTH,

I've said before here, my advice is usually somewhat vague and question based. I don't feel it's my place to tell people what they should do (for the most part). I try to get them to think and solve their own problems, hopefully with a little help from my experiences. And that is why I don't post a lot, I usually just try to help the people that I see a bit of myself in.

That being said, I've got you thinking and that's good. But hard. No one said mirror work is easy.

You've described your STBXW along the lines of a brick wall, ice princess, something like that. But someone in your small group said you don't know what's going on inside her head. I think you also now realize that you portray yourself to her in a very similar way.

And I think if you were completely honest with yourself, even after all that's happened, if she showed up at your doorway begging for a second chance, you'd give it to her. And I'm not trying to blow smoke up your you-know-what or give you false hope, but what if one of you opened up a crack. What's the worst that can happen? She can continue to be the ice princess so what have you lost? She could be friendlier to you and that's only good for the girls. Or she could start to see you different.

What have you got to lose?

Look, boundaries are good. But if she doesn't cross one or you can be a bit flexible ...

Listen to her.
Don't argue with her.
Agree with her.
Just once.

See what happens.

I mean this IS a Divorce Busting site, right?

[ClingingToHope]

DR, I didn't say I was angry about her talking to the principal, I was saying I'd like to be notified -- by email. If you go through my thread, I've backed way off when it comes to what the girls do on STBXW's time -- in fact I've gotten hammered for not being more involved when it comes to her time.

CG, you are right. I should be grateful that she didn't put up a fight about the rings -- but then when you trace it back it gets back to the fact she's divorcing me and I don't feel like being grateful for anything to do with the D. To me, it's all the same fruit from the poisonous tree (I learned that one on those legal TV shows).

I was talking to a friend last week and realized I continue to want it both ways -- I want the divorce to be over so I can have financial certainty and freedom -- but deep down I still don't want to be divorced and every step closer sends me in a spiral.

I also try not to make it about winning and losing and I'm getting better with just focusing on myself and what I need to get done.

But no matter what, deep down all of us want to be the one that truly thrives. I can't remember a single thread I've read where someone wrote about how great their X is doing, how happy the X is without them, how the X has just taken off and in the end, boy was the X right.

That's an aside. I deserve the 2x4s, for the most part I agree, but I'm not there yet and I'd rather work on these issues here than on the phone or face to face with STBXW.

You know, last year I tried all of the DB things. I listened, I validated. When she wanted to vent about work or family issues I let her do the talking. When I went to some marriage rebuilder classes and learned my role in how things crumbled, I wrote her five letters and specifically stated ways in how I failed (A DB counselor tip) and apologized.

We worked together on the house. We worked together on the schedules. We did Christmas together. I used each meeting as a chance to build a better relationship -- another DB counselor tip.

She filed for divorce in February. Last year meant nothing.

So right now, while I battle the things above, she gets as little of me as possible. Everything that's happening in the girls' lives and the divorce and the house can be handled by email.

[desert_rat]

I know that you wanted to be notified. But then you said you want autonomy. Which is it? Autonomy with notification doesn't sound really likely.

Well, I think we all want to thrive. But, it we have kids, and both parents are part of their lives, it isn't a bad thing if our X thrives, as well. It doesn't need to be an either or thing. Actually, it makes things easier, because if they are doing well, they quit blaming you for everything!

I don't agree with the way my xw treated our marriage. And I like to not have too much to do with her. But, when there's a birthday dinner with the kids, and they invite me, I will be there. I can talk to her on the phone, though I am not interested in dallying. She seems to be doing ok, and as far as I'm concerned, that's fine. It doesn't mean she was right.

If last year meant nothing, you were not DBing right. You forgot to save yourself first, and maybe you'll save the marriage, too.